16 Year Old, Sexual Sins
Dear Mr. Hamby:
I mentioned to you that our son ran away at the age of 13. He was gone for 2 nights. We did get counceling for about 1 yr.and it was helpful but the counselor did not express any kind of faith in Christ, and he did not tell my husband and I what we could be doing different to be more effective in our sons heart, so we stopped going. Our son, became more open with us with things he had done. He did lose his virginity while he was gone. It took him almost a year to tell us, but he finally did. We suspected he might had, so we had time to think about what our response would be, and we tried to express that God can forgive and forget what has taken place, and to start fresh. That was a good turning point for him, but right now we are still struggling with him in different ways. I believe he still needs counseling but I do not know where to take him for sound Christian counseling At this point he does not take on responsibility at home and at school. We have to help him remember to do his responsibilities. We constantly have to take away privileges so there is a consequence from wrong choices. He focuses on himself and what he wants, and talks non stop about himself. He does not talk back but always has a reason for everything he does. For most part he will do what we say, but we can tell we are not reaching his heart. He has a serious problem with lying. When I corner him he will admit the lie. We always told our children that if they lie, and come back to fix what they said they would not be in trouble, because sometimes we answer before we think because of fear of being in trouble. I thought that would take off the pressure to lie, but it hasn't.With our other children it seemed to work, but with him it hasn't.
There is one recent incident I also wanted to seek your advice on. My husband was looking for our son around the house a few weeks ago and found him in our 13 year old daughter's room without clothes. The door to her room was partially open and anyone could have walked in at anytime. My husband left quickly so not to embarrass him. Our son came to my husband a short while later and told him he was struggling with masturbation. They talked quite a while about it. My husband told him that to some extent that was a normal part of growing up, but that he should try to not let it control him. They prayed about it together. Then while I was at the convention our son did it again. Once more, the door to our daughter's room was partially open and she was home at the time. Fortunately, she did not walk into her room. My husband did.This time my husband reacted more firmly with him. He made it clear that, although he is struggling with this, he CANNOT do this in situations or places where his sister might walk in on him. This behavior scares me to death! I feel this is very serious but we do not know where to go to get help, or what changes we need to make.
He is number 5 of our six children. Our other children are very frustrated on the inside with him because of his behavior. We have 2 married children, 2 in college and one more besides at home. All except him have a heart for God. He occasionally has a heart for God. He, at times, will read his bible, pray, and even lead devotionals with the teen group at church, but he is not fully devoted to Him. He expresses love God, but he seems to love himself and what he wants far more.
We are not a blended family. My husband and I have been happily married for 28 years. Where can we get sound counseling? We feel the pressure of him graduating in a year and a half and not having his heart where it needs to be to be.
I really enjoyed your sessions at the seminar and have tried to take to heart the things you said. We would appreciate any advice or direction you might be able to give.
Thank you for your help.
Dear Concerned Mom:
It sounds like your husband is dealing with this issue well. I too would not make too big a deal about his private behavior, though the goal is to help him overcome obsessive behaviors. I would ask your husband to talk to him about the rewards that come from deferred gratification. I would make a big deal out of where he has been found. I would make his sister's room off limits. I would even be cautious with him and his sister alone. Please do not take offense to this, I speak from the experience of knowing similar situations in other families now shipwrecked. My suspicion is that he is looking at porn. Is this possible? Another thought is that he seems to have too much free time on his hands. Is he working? Boys who are working hard, at the end of the day are exhausted, have their minds more on food than lust. I would suggest giving him a goal that would excited him and then a job that can help him achieve this goal…like buying a car etc..
Try not to forget that you son is God's reminder in how much you need to prayerfully stay at the throne of grace. Otherwise you may not experience the blessings God has in store for you. A last resort if he starts to fall into deeper sins would be to send him to a program like New Horizons. You can read about them on the web. I know of two young people, very similar to your son, who were changed as a result of this program. If you would like for me to suggest a good counselor who you could talk to on the phone, let me know. He is not cheap but I believe he worth his weight in gold.
Don't forget, the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man, avails much.
Please read Lamentations chapter 3. Remember your son is the one who needs to come to God in order for his deepest needs to be met. It is only at this point in your sons life, will things get truly better. These are the issues of life, that keep us holding on to an all wise and loving Father.
Mark
