Anger and Listening!
Mark,
I know how busy you must be this time of year, I don't expect a response quickly at all. But I need some help. We have been doing our best to exhibit grace in parenting for at least 2-3 months now. For the most part, it is working well, I seem to get better and relapse at times, but I know what it should look like and it is wonderful when I am consistently graceful!
One thing has begun cropping up, began 2 months ago, not too loud, but it is getting louder and I am at a total loss as to how to fix it. I am sure it is my fault, but I can't see what I did or how to undo it. My oldest, 11 year old boy, is very much like me, which is good and bad! This grace thing is very hard on him as he wants vengeance when one of the other one wrongs him or even does something else that they shouldn't. He is very angry when they don't get annihilated and he is holding onto the anger. If they don't get what he thinks they deserve, he gets very angry, what could have been a great day gets ruined by his horrible attitudes. He seems to have begun a "siege" that started Sunday. A "poor me", I get in all the trouble and Rachel doesn't. She is the easy going one who is all around much easier to get along with. She sins and we address it, but not enough, according to him. His anger lasts until he finally comes to a head, which could be hours later, and finally he breaks and stops. Just when I think it is over, something else happens and he is just as angry or angrier than before. I finally had to send him to bed tonight, 40 minutes early, because he has been angry and causing trouble all day, began on his sister and brother for what he felt was offensive (he doesn't tell them and get over it, he goes over it and over it and over it until I think he is a Nazi). I don't want to think I did this, but what else can it be? He just left his bed to tell me why he is REALLY angry, and none of it made any sense. "The kids in Sunday School think I'm a geek." Why? Because he is into something that was trendy a year ago (homeschoolers are almost always behind in the "cool"
department) and now feels bad. Plus his brother and sister............. It is the same thing over and over again. I talk to him, I pray with him, I reassure him, I get angry with him, and then we go over it and over it, because it is one angry thing after another. His father has talked and talked and nothing is penetrating. Ok, I'm a broken record, but I don't know what to do.
Got any advice? I need help. Thanks,
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Dear Mom:
When our children share the hurts of their heart, we need to take this very seriously and listen. Listening is one of the most important things you can be doing for your son--also praying. It sounds like he is going to get beat up enough in life, so he is going to need a mom whom he can turn to, to share the hurts of his heart. Stay consistently gentle but firm. Try not to react to his behavior, but at the same time stay consistent with loving discipline. Don't try to change his behavior--model what behavior you want him to possess--especially when you are in the midst of a conflict.
Does this make sense to you?
By the way, the book Ishmael will be a very powerful influence for him. You both will enjoy this incredible story (true story) about a young man who faces all kinds of adversity (even name calling) and how he makes right decisions even though there is a price to pay.
Blessings on your family,
Mark
