Breaking the Bondage When They are Older
Mark:
Thank you for your recent catalog and the articles. I read with interest the article on the four parenting styles and am interested in learning more about this.
What does one do when the children are grown or nearly grown? For instance, the comments on older children fiercely defending their new independence and rejecting authority are soooooooo true. But now that mistakes have happened, how can parents help their grown children out of this attitude?
My oldest is 20, then one 17 and one 16.
Also, there are lots of helps for parents of younger children. Is there any help for those of us who have older children, who have already made these mistakes, and that biblically counsel us on how to help our children now that they are young adults?
Thank you very much.
Dear Parent:
There are three approaches that I would like to suggest to help your older children. First I would like you to know that my children are 18, 20, and 22. I made the same mistakes and I am now seeing
wonderful changes in their lives. This is what I am doing:
1. Pray for them without ceasing!
2. Ask God for opportunities to serve them. Be prepared, because God will usually give you opportunities that will be inconvenient and even frustrating! For example, my daughter has locked
her keys in her car three times in the last two months! Great opportunities! My triple A card is shot but if that is all it cost to redeem a relationship it is worth it. For those who would think that I am enabling her irresponsibility do not realize that in order to redeem a broken relationship, you need to set aside our perfect ordered world"temporarily" and place relationship above responsibility.
3. Model what you want to see in your children's lives. I have found that most of what we dislike in our children they got from us! For example, one day Jonathan, my oldest called my on his cell phone and asked me to bring him a screw driver at the end of the driveway! Can you imagine? It was supper time and I gave him a piece of my mind. Then my wife asked who was on the phone and I told her and what he asked for and then she told me that she would bring it to him! "No you won't!!" Well this was the start of world war three in our home. Everyone is now upset, over a ridiculous screw driver and it was all caused by my lazy son! Well that is what I thought was the problem. A
friend of ours is a counselor and when I saw him I asked him if Debbie (my wife) should have brought him the screw driver. "Absolutely not!" he said. I was overjoyed! It is not often that I am in the right when we talk to him. But then as I was walking away, he said, "but you should have gotten it!" WHAT! "That's right" he said." "You should have gotten the screw driver because that is the only way that you are going to break the cycle of selfishness. He learned it from you while growing up. All those years, he has heard his father say, 'get this and help me with that, and when you're done I need you to do etc. etc.' You're son needs to see you be a servant and only then will he learn to
serve as well." What great counsel I received that day, and I would like to tell you that it works! Let me know if I can be of further help,
Sincerely,
Mark
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