Choosing Your Battles Wisely
Dear Mark,
You were just at our church Wed - Friday and spoke to my heart.
See I have four children. Two boys two girls age 20 to 9. My 20 year old is a rising junior at Presbyterian College. He really has never given us any trouble, but I can see where my dictatorial parenting had probably hurt him in some ways. Do you believe the scriptures that talks about the eatin fields of locus being repaired? That is my prayer for C______. That any damage he may have suffered at our hands God will repair.
God's grace possesses miraculous powers of healing. But it only comes to us through humility.
The problem now is at home. I have a 15 year old that will be 16 very shortley. I have not been able to determine exactly which parenting style we have with him. My husband is definately the authoratative one with him and I was also until about 6 months ago. I actually went to a woman in my church and talk to her about my son and she gave me some wise councel. I read the book Wild at Heart also. She seemed to think that part of his rebellious attitude stemmed from me being too assertive with him. She talked about some boys fearing being controlled by women and really feeling threatened by a women.
See, of all four of my children he is my most gifted. He has been able to pick up any instrument and play it. He is also athletic. He excels in baseball and used to do well in basketball also but has chosen to put all his efforts in baseball now.
The problem with my 15 year old is his attitude. Sometimes I feel he is on a pattern of self destruction. See he is fine, great if everything is going okay. Or if we dont ask anything of him. Or if we allow him to do whatever he wants. But if his batting average goes down or if he begins to do poorly in class or just whatever he gives up on himself. I have even talked to him about God's plan for his life and he will say foolish things like God does not care about his life or "whatever". He and I have almost come to blows physically before and it has almost always been my fault because I would attack him during heated emotional times. Since I have stayed out of his disciplining and allowed his Dad to take care of it all it has been alot better. We do not have the big loud volital fights anymore. And I have confessed by fault in those times to G_______ as well.
He needs room to become independent. He needs his mom to be his advocate and not his adversary. He needs his mom to be there for him when he falls. He need room to make mistakes while at home, otherwise he will be making them in the real world without support. The most difficult thing for a mom is to allow their children to make mistakes that could hurt them.
But now I spend alot of time worrying about him.
I don't think I need to address this do I? Be anxious for nothing, but with thanksgiving, let your requests be known....and leave them there. God knows what is best!
I keep thinking two more years how will we ever survive. How will I ever survive.
You've made it this far! One day at a time.
I don't know how to show perfect love.
No one does! But it has something to do with dying to self. Something to do with taking up our cross. Something to do with humbling ourselves. I believe Proverbs 17:9 says that he that covers a transgression seeks love. Keep forgiving him, displaying mercy, and perfect love will just happen. Read the love chapter in Corinthians (13). You couldn't find a better definition! Love simply never fails!!!
I know that God has not given us a spirit of fear. Yet I am fearful for him. I do not want him to ruin his life.
You are not fearful for him, but for yourself. Your fear is an indication of your lack of trust and relationship with God. You need to develop a more intimate relationship with a God who loves you so much that He did the unthinkable for you and me. If He did that, then I think we can trust Him. Your fears are not about your son, but about your relationship with Jesus Christ. Seek Him with all your heart. Cry out to Him. Hold on to Him and don't let go. Psalm 34 say, that this poor man cried and the Lord heard him and delivered him out of all his troubles. All of them! Read this Psalm, it is quite therapeutic.
I don't want to have these battles all the time over curfews and phones and cars and games. I would like to see some spiritual growth in G_______.
The battles may be necessary. Let your husband lead the way. Remember, try to stay more as an advocate than adversary. Choose your battles wisely. Phones, cars, and games may or may not be wise battles to fight. Open his boundaries, don't tighten them. If you cage him in, then when he leaves your home, he is going to do all of the things that are in his heart anyways. If he is not breaking the law, committing immoral acts, then you need to lighten up and let him make independent decisions. It sounds like you are smothering him in your quest to protect him. Right heart, wrong methods! Read Lamentations chapters one through three. You will find that it is a necessary step in God's school of development for God's children to bear the yoke in their youth. Without the yoke of difficulty they cannot mature. Unfortunately, many adults have still not grown up yet, because their parents protected and sheltered them.
But if it is all about me and my relationship with the Lord then I want to do it. But I don't really know how. I pray and I read the Bible but I need help where the "rubber meets the road."
Roll up your sleeves and begin to wrestle with God as Jacob did at the Jabbok river. You will soon find where the rubber meets the road. You may look like a truck just drove over your face, but you will no longer be asking these questions! Jacob was never the same after this experience, and neither have I been the same. Once you wrestle with God, you will never be the same. I wrestled for twelve years!
You know none of this probably makes any sense to you but when you were here last week I really felt God speaking to me and I heard him say "Janet, I can make that differance in your life. Let me." Please help me. I don't want to continue on in a life filled with anxiety.
J______, you are asking for help from the wrong person. I believe that I've given you enough advice and direction. You now need to ask help from Him. Call upon Him and He will answer you, and show you great and mighty things that you did not know. He may have to do open heart surgery without anesthesia, but He will answer! If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me. Please let me know how you are doing.
Mark Hamby
