Damage of Betrayal
Dear Mark:
You are going to have to forgive my tendency to understand...(are there any good qualities of being a perfectionist..?!?)
some day..I will be as confident in understanding as I am today in allowing myself to doubt....
I will never, ever forget...the few days after I first shared my story with my counselor...my spirit was in such turmoil..I could hardly stand it...my reaction to him and to myself...I cannot even describe...I felt so betrayed...not by him...but by myself..I had always been told "not to tell" and "it is our little secret"...why that bond still grips my very soul today..even with some understanding...I dont know..but I remember making a phone call to my counselor a few days after that meeting...I asked him..literally..." Ok..so now what do you want..?...what do you want from me..?"..seriously..I felt like he has now stepped into this part of my world..this realm only few have been..he must want something from me...doesn't everyone want something from me..?....that is the only way I know how ...and this past Thursday, when I left his office that night..I was so upset..confused....I was glad it was over..I did not want to talk to him anymore.....I had no words that night..none...that at least I desired to come out of my mouth.. By the time I got home...and the following days...I was finding myself really upset...and starting to question this whole journey...by the time Monday rolled around...I was definitely finding that I was either going to give up...or take the next step in faith.....so completely against everything in my being...I called my counselor...and I only called him because I was intent on not talking to him....It was one of the most difficult phone calls I have made to him...but I knew it was the right thing.....
The Wounded Heart..pg 127 ..."Honor is the opposite of betrayal. Trust and respect are the foundation of all human endeavor, including politics, business, marriage and friendship. Can people count on your word? Is your heart directed toward honoring God in your relationships? Relationship cannot be endured, certainly not enjoyed, unless the parties involved are honorable in intent and word. Failure will inevitably occur in all relationships, but trust is not built on the absence of failure as much as on the willingness of each party to own and rectify each harmful break in the relationship. Honor assumes the need for honesty and restitution. In the context of honor, failure opens the door to deepening trust as wrongs are righted and wounds are healed...( This is very hard to do...you understand that what it requires goes completely against everything in me..?...it brings vulnerability to a different level..do you get that?)..don't get me wrong...my hearts desires are in constant battle with my soul..
" The damage of betrayal is the deepening conviction that relationship can neither be enjoyed, trusted,nor expected to last. The consequences are the loss of a hope for intimacy, strength and justice."
Even though I have learned alot and have understood quite a bit...I am challenged daily to battle the habits formed...it is like learning to walk all over again...the deepening of our love for others and allowing ourselves to be hurt and betrayed is an act of the will....at least for me...at this point..I want to be a person that is safe....and trusting....to be able to provide that for someone else.....
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Dear Sister:
Sounds like truth to me! Just because you are going to trust someone else, doesn't mean you are not going to get hurt. In fact, with the hurt, God will lead us into a deeper love. In turn, we will begin to love others so that others can trust us. Twisted? Yes…and very beautiful. Our betrayal makes us more trustworthy and loving, so that others can find a safe haven with us.
