Darkness Into Light
Most of my struggles are from within.....It helps to know that it does not come with out purpose....this is from Secret Survivors...
" Because the child victim of incest is trained to meet the needs of anyone who makes demands on her, stripped of power to affect her own life or her surroundings, and deprived of proper nurturing, her ability to establish relationships is corrupted. contact with other should help us clarify our feelings, which can make reality more manageable. But in families where alcoholism or incest ( both in my case)..we learn only confusion. If your childhood was spent being told your were not angry when you were told not to be angry, told that what made you angry hadn't really happened, or shown that , for survival sake, you'd better not show anger, then you would have buried the awareness that this tension, this distressed excitement, was anger. The child who expresses feelings that her family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family's view of what it needs to survive. They treat her as if it's "her or them", and she believes it. Such a child cannot know herself, can hardly love herself. Sadly, the adult that she becomes often treats the child within with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults who surrounded her did. If we do not wish to face the truth of our failures with children, we silence the child when she cries out in pain. In the child resides impulsiveness, play, imperfection, rebelliousness, honesty without a social mask, and feelings such as pain and fear. The adult has learned to deny that child and all she represents. But the denied child has a tendency to tug at her skirt, to demand to be heard; accustomed to surviving in a hostile environment, the child is incredibly resilient and persistent. She will not be annihilated."
Whenever the counselor refers to the Adult child or the Inner child..it makes me feel so incredibly dysfunctional...and I question my sanity...but I am assured by him that I shouldn't question it..I dont have any (sanity)...isnt he comforting in his words...he has such a gift..
Today in my devotional time...I am in Ezekiel/Mathew...but I have a piece of paper in other areas that has scripture on it...I went back to that page...it happens to be a copy of what you emailed me about Esther..I read that occasionally..it helps me get through sometimes, I have put some scripture on the back of it..one of the verses is Jer 33:3( H_'s favorite verse)...but for me different than for her.." Call unto me and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not"...last week I realized that I need to be calling to him so he can answer me....in my strength...I need to ask for what I know He wants and needs of me...that for me was huge...so hard to do...but nevertheless really important...
But the place where this paper was..it took me to Isaiah...and my attention to one of the verses I underlined...42:6-7 "I, the Lord have called you in righteousness, I will take hold of your hand, I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open the eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.."....why.....would this just completely touch my soul today.....what is in this for me...scares me...but yet gives me such comfort from above..
I am working on my honesty....to be what He desires of me....and it has not been easy so far....and probably not just for me...but for others in my life recently....I am sure I have exasperated just about everyone..including Him...so brace yourself as I commit this to him and you as a witness..help me to stay accountable...
Dear Sister:
If you read further in Isaiah, you will find:
“And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.” Verse 16
If I don’t pursue my relationship with my Lord and Savior each and everyday; if I don’t cry out to Him; if I don’t seek Him through His Word and prayer, then I will wilt. Whether you’ve been abused or not, we all have to pursue our Lord with the same fervent spirit, or we will experience leanness of soul. And leanness of soul is the deepest pit to be in; but those who desire to be lead out of their darkness will enjoy new paths, they have not known; new light;
