Fearful at Church:
Mark,
I'm going to try to explain this situation in an e-mail. Our almost
8-year-old son has never gone to Sunday School without fighting and complaining. At two years old the workers would have to peal him off me when I went to drop him off. The workers always told me he would settle down as soon as I was out of sight and have a great time. We tried my husband dropping him off but had the same results. This went on for a couple of years thinking he would grow out of it but he never did so we began taking him to "big church" with us rather than put the workers through the trauma of the experience. He was much happier and paid attention better than a lot of adults. We continued doing this up until about 6 weeks ago. A couple of months ago he started balking at getting up and dressed on Sunday mornings. Every Sunday it gets worse. Every Sunday he "has a tummy ache". He isn't a morning person anyway, but especially on Sunday mornings.
He will work himself into such a frenzy of crying he is almost vomitting. He appears to be scared to death of something but we don't know what. We tried to talk to him and find out what is going on but he can't, or won't, tell us what is wrong or why he reacting this way. The family ends up going to different services so someone can stay home with him. It kind of ruins the worship experience for the entire family when we have to deal with this situation before we even get out the door for church. What should we do?
A very frustrated mom and dad
Dear C-
Fear is very powerful. Perfect love casts out fear. When a child knows that he is fully loved, fully known, without any fear of rejection, or any fear of hurt, he will follow. Just remember, following, implies that there is someone to follow; someone who has gone before; someone who has prepared the way, someone who has removed
the danger. This may mean for you or your husband to smooth out the path for him. Get to know the teacher--have the teacher over to your house. Allow your son to get to know his teacher outside of church. Arrange it so that son does something for the teacher. Possibly working for a few hours weeding or cleaning windows or something creative. Talk with the teacher so that they understand the purpose behind it all. Suggest that the teacher has him stay for lunch. You are trying to build bridges and relationships. The goal is ultimately to influence your son for Christ--hopefully the Sunday school teacher has the same goals. Make sure that your sons fears are not founded upon reasons of concern. You may also place your son in a different situation that requires him to wait for you to come back similarly to the SS experience. You are trying to make your son's fears be minimal. It's like training a horse- the most important thing in horse training is that the horse knows that you will not hurt him--that he is absolutely safe. The second most important thing in horse training is that you never approach a horse head on. Third, you always keep your head lower than the horses--this demonstrates humility and humility attracts others to follow. Parenting is a full time job isn't it? But the dividends are beyond description!
If all of this fails to relieve his fears (I would be hopeful that this will work), I would not force the issue.
Mark
