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The Goals of Misbehavior If the PARENT FEELS: And tends to REACT by: And if the CHILD"S RESPONSE is: The CHILD'S GOAL is: Which means the CHILD BELIEVES: A PARENT'S ALTERNATIVES include: Annoyed Irritated Reminding Coaxing Stops temporarily, but later resumes same or another disturbing behavior UNDUE ATTENTION (to keep others busy with him) I count (belong) only when I'm being noticed or served. I'm only important when I am keeping you busy with me. Ignore. Give positive attention at other times. Avoid undue service. Say it only once, then act. Make special time. Set up routines. Take time for training. Use natural and logical consequences. Encourage. Angry Provoked Challenged Threatened Fighting; Giving in: Thinking: "You can't get away with it." "I'll make you." Wanting to be right. Intensifies behavior; Defiant compliance; Feels he's won when parents are upset. POWER (to be boss) I belong only when I am boss or in control or proving no one can boss me. "You can't make me." Don't fight and give in. Withdraw from conflict. Ask for help. Do the unexpected. Be firm and kind. Act, don't talk. Develop mutual respect. Develop positive power. Give limited choices. Set reasonable and few limits. Encourage. Hurt Disappointment Retaliating: Getting even; Thinking: "How could you do this to me?" Feeling sorry for. Retaliates; Intensifies; Escalates the same behavior or chooses another weapon. REVENGE (to get even) I belong only by hurting others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved. Avoid feeling hurt. Avoid punishment and retaliation. Build trust. Deal with the hurt feelings. Use refelctive listening. Make amends. Show you care. Act, don't talk. Encourage. Despair Hoplessness Worry "I give up." Giving up; Doing for; Overhelping Retreats further; Passive; No improvemnt; No response ASSUMED DISABILITY Display of INADEQUACY (to be left alone) I belong only by convincing others not to expect anything of me. I am helpless and unable; so it's no use trying. Stop all critiscism. encourage and positive attempt, no matter how small. Focus on assets. Don't pity. Don't give up. Show faith. Offer chances for success. Teach skills / Show how. Take small steps. Step back. Encourage, encourage, encourage.