Influence or Control
The responsibilities of a father are at times so difficult to balance, especially when children start spreading their in- dependent wings. Even during childhood a father must balance his role of authority with love, gentleness, and mercy. Men who were raised in authoritative homes are more likely to carry over-balanced authority into their relationships with their children and their wives. Too often, men who are authoritative are blind to their faults, justifying their aggressive behavior in the name of protection and authority. Though there is a fine line between protection and control, there is a test that will help determine one’s motives. It is the test of love. Perfect love not only casts out all fear, but can eventually change one’s temperament. For one’s temperament to be changed, he must desire to be changed and be willing to accept constructive criticism from those he loves.
In the book Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, Stu Weber captures the essence of why men become so out of balance in regard to their authority. He sees man as a King, a Warrior, a Mentor, and a Friend. I would like to add one more to the list – a Priest. Weber goes on to describe that as a King, a man cares deeply, as a Warrior he contends courageously, as a Mentor, he communicates transparently, as a Friend, he connects deliberately, and as a Priest, he commits sacrificially. These core characteristics can have a positive dramatic impact upon a man’s family, but if they are out of balance, they can irreparably destroy relationships. Notice what happens when the pillars of manhood are out of balance:
| Pillar |
King |
Warrior |
Mentor |
Friend |
| Scriptural Function |
Provide
(Gen. 2:15) |
Protect
(Gen. 2:17) |
Teach
(Gen. 2:16-17) |
Connect
(Gen. 2:18) |
| Secular / Historical Perspective |
"The energy of just and creative ordering." |
"The energy of disciplined aggressive action." |
"The energy of transformation." |
"The energy that connects men to others and the world." |
| Core Characteristics |
Cares Deeply |
Contends Courageously |
Communicates Transparently |
Connects Diliberately |
| Common Results (When Pillar is leaning, absent or abused) |
1. Disorder
2. Chaos
3. Family dysfunction
4. Oppression |
1. Fear
2. Abuse
3. Cruelty
4. Hatred |
1. Lack of Discipline
2. Personal Immaturity
3. Disregard for Scripture
4. Spiritual Insensitivity |
1. Unavailability
2. Personal isolation
3. Emotional detachment
4. Illicit sensuality |
| Out of Balanced (Right or Left) |
Abdicator/Tyrant
Passive-Failure to lead |
Coward/Brute Passive- Failure to contend |
Dunce/
Know-it-all
Passive- Failure to pass Baton |
Loner/Smotherer Passive- Failure to connect |
|
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover Harper Collins, 1990 |
|
|
©Stu Weber, 1997 |
Most men who will read this article will be able to identify with the difficulty of maintaining balance in their responsibilities to protect, connect, communicate, and love. I find it interesting that there is more said in the Bible about a man loving than about protecting. Men who overreact in the area of protection may really be protecting themselves. Men who are jealous because of insecurity will become overprotective, overbearing, and display a distrusting attitude toward their wives. Men who are insecure will also try to dominate their children. Again, this tendency for control is the result of insecurity that is overcompensated by thoughtless authority.
Being a man, I know that there is an innate awareness and "calling" to protect my wife and children. No one had to teach me this. However, if I love myself more than I love my wife or children, my motives will lead to actions that are controlling, accusatory, and demanding. When a man’s control is greater than his influence, you can be sure that he loves himself more than others. We do not follow our Lord Jesus because of His control but because of His influence. That is why He washed the disciples’ feet just prior to His crucifixion. He was teaching about true leadership—servanthood and sacrifice, not authority and control.
The Cell Phone Episode! The saga continues...
Given a choice, I would much rather choose control over influence. Controlling my family is much easier. Influencing requires a constant battle with the flesh, a humbling of oneself, and a lot of feet washing! This reminds me of an experience that really helped me turn a corner in this area of servanthood. It was a couple of years ago and I was just getting ready to sit down at our table for dinner. The phone rang, and I reluctantly answered it. On the other end was an urgent request for me to bring a screwdriver to the end of the driveway. The conversation went something like this:
" Hello, who is this?"
" It’s Jonathan, and I need a screwdriver right away!"
__"Jonathan? Jonathan, where are you?"
" Dad, I’m under the car at the top of the driveway, and I need a screw driver."
" Jonathan! How in the world are you talking to me from under the car at the end of the driveway??!!!"
" Dad, I’m on my cell phone and I need that screwdriver right away! I don’t have time to carry on a conversation!"
" Jonathan, when did you get a cell phone?"
" Dad, come on, I’m under the car trying to hold this part together and I need a screwdriver! I bought a cell phone last week."
" Jonathan, listen very carefully. It is time for dinner and don’t you ever use your cell phone to call me to do something that you can do for yourself. That is so incredibly lazy!" CLICK!!!
Can you imagine? This certainly was the epitome of laziness. He was at the end of the driveway and expected me to bring him a screwdriver. And then, to top it off, my wife, the servant of all, asked me who was on the phone. With a grimace, I said, "Jonathan." I guess you would have had to have been there to hear my tone. Then my wife said, "What did he want?" My response: "Can you imagine? He wanted me to bring him a screwdriver – at the end of the driveway!" And then she said, "Oh, where’s the screwdriver? I’ll take it to him."
" No you won’t! You’re not going to feed his already lazy existence!" At that moment, Jonathan entered the house with a chip on his shoulder and a miserable attitude. Being the "influencing" type of father that I am, I set out to ensure that Jonathan learned that in no uncertain terms was he ever to use his cell phone to ask me for something that he could do for himself. He then made certain that I understood that he would never again call me on his cell phone to ask for anything. "Don’t worry, Dad. I have no plans of ever calling you on my phone. Have a nice life." We then proceeded to have our nice, enjoyable family meal with my wife not once looking up from her plate, my son swallowing his food (without chewing), and me eating in polite but silent rage. Several weeks later my wife and I had the opportunity to discuss the situation with a friend who happens to posses the kind of wisdom that is rare in these days. It was the perfect opportunity to receive confirmation that — #1, my son is extremely lazy, and #2, my wife should stop supporting my son’s sinful tendencies.
I explained the situation, and before I even finished, I could see that our friend was in complete support of my judgment. Without hesitation, he said, "Your son is extremely lazy, and it definitely would not have been right for your wife to take Jonathan the screwdriver, as that would have only supported his laziness." Sweet victory at last. Finally, the day of reckoning had come. My wife was guilty on all counts, my son judged a sluggard, and I was innocent of all charges. Finally after basking in the sweet silence of pure victory, our friend looked at me and said, "By the way, your son is just like you." At that moment, I felt like I was visiting with Columbo. Remember that private detective that always had something to say at the end? "Oh, by the way…"
" What do you mean, just like me? There’s not a lazy bone in my body."
" You may not be lazy, but neither are you a servant. Your son was acting out the only role that he has seen you model. All he has ever seen or heard was a father who needed a son to do this and to do that, and then when you’re done with this, help me with that, and so forth. He has only seen a father that has placed responsibility above relationship. He has followed the model of a taskmaster and not a servant. Asking you to get the screw driver came as natural as breathing because that is all he’s ever heard from you. Getting that screwdriver would have been the greatest opportunity to begin modeling servanthood. I am not saying that it was right for him to ask you to get the screwdriver, but until he begins to see you "washing feet," he’s not going to learn to serve.
There it was – truth – staring me right in the face. I used my son’s entire childhood to teach him about work ethic and responsibility but failed to teach him about servanthood. Here was a moment of decision. Was I going to hold onto the truth that could set me free, or bury myself deeper into the rut of self-deception, control, and unbridled authority? There was only one choice for me to make. It was obvious that my son had become just like me, and the only way to break this downhill cyclical pattern was to start serving whenever an opportunity presented itself. This idea of serving required me to be readily accessible to serve my son regardless of any inconvenience. It was amazing that within a few short weeks, I began to see that God had arranged an abundance of situations that flooded me with opportunities to serve."
The most memorable occurrence was when my son Jonathan asked me to co-sign a loan so he could purchase a Mitsubishi 3000 GT VR-4 Twin Turbo! The answer was quite obvious – not a chance! Underestimating his prowess to be "just like me," he negotiated a deal with my brother-in-law who was happy to sign the loan for this budding "irresponsible" teenager. My initial thought was, "What on earth is my brother-in-law thinking?" But then after some gentle prodding by the Holy Spirit, I realized that I missed another opportunity. If only God could have arranged something a little less expensive! But then when you think about it, it cost God everything to teach us about servanthood—even His own Son. Now some might think that to co-sign a loan for a car that I didn’t approve of, is going a bit too far, but then, so is dying on a cross. Thankfully, since then, God has given me two more occasions to prove myself worthy servant-leader—yes, you guessed it. Two more sports cars! I didn’t even blink an eye when Jonathan approached me. You should have seen his face. He didn’t quite know what to think, but it sure has left an impact. In fact, in both circumstances, the engines have had serious mechanical problems which required Jonathan to need some serious help—and thankfully, he came to me both times. Isn’t this what we are really trying to accomplish in our relationships with our children? Hopefully, we will be the first that they will come to when they need help the most. Isn’t this what God desires for us? This servanthood model really works and yes, it can be costly. But the dividends are worth the price!
Mark
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