Intimacy with Husband and Childood Abuse
Dear Mark:
You once said to me that “Those who have been hurt the most can receive the greatest and deepest filling of God s unfailing love. If they will let go of the reigns and by faith diligently pursue Him. ...”
Do you agree that I need to know the very things that I am holding onto in order to let go..??...some of these things that I am learning about myself are difficult to face ..it's been a long time...hard to just let go of habits that one never realized were sinful...for example....bear with me this is hard...One of the issues I deal with is the way in which my husband responds to me..because of my habit of ..let me share this from Secret Survivors..." Dissociation...Unable to remove herself physically from the abuse, the creative victim finds other ways to leave. Frequently this takes the form of "separation from self" or dissociation " ( during a part of my experience..I remember a time where I focused on a dresser...with wood grain...i remember counting the rings in the tree that made this dresser....the rest of what was going on I dont remember ..) "At a time of trauma, many survivors made a conscious effort to separate from what was happening to their bodies... The adult survivor may lose control of this technique, however and " split" when experiencing times of stress or in response to an experience that recalls the incest."... realizing that this is part of my contribution to our marriage....is frustrating and hard for me to face as a "technique"...faithfully I want to approach my husband the right way...I will confess that it frustrates me to own some of these things..very humbling..
Dear Sister in Christ:
This might be a right answer at the wrong time, but in ICor 7, God teaches that both men and women need to give to each other their due kindness. Strongs teaches this as a sexual expression, and I believe the King James does the same conjugal rights. It is in the context of the husband not having authority over his own body, but the wife, and the wife not having authority over her own body but the husband. I think that our marriages are designed to conform us into the image of Christ. That said, even Christ in the trinity learned obedience by the things which He suffered (Heb 5). Though he was a son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered, and he was heard when he had offered up strong crying and tears. I m not sure if I quoted this exactly correct, but it s close. All of life is about being conformed to His image and this occurs by faithfaithful obedience. There is just no way around this. If you aren t meeting the sexual needs of your husband then God calls this defrauding one another. Your past hurts now become your present excuses for your disobedience! Yes indeed, I know this is a slap in the face but no less true. Actions first and feelings will most likely follow. And even if the feelings don t follow, then God s reward will follow--His grace, mercy, and compassion. Please don’t misunderstand. I am not asking you to become a slave to your husband’s needs. It would be wonderful he began to fully understand the deep needs of your heart and sacrifice his own desires while his bride began to heal and become whole. That would be a perfect world wouldn’t it? Above all, we are set free because we are walking in truth. I m sure you are going to have some things to say after reading this one.
His strength is made perfect in our weakness,
Mark
Mark...I know my husband and I need a relationship of intimacy ...unfortunately..that will come....later...
I don't misunderstand you...you did not give me advice that I would not want you to give me....I can tell of your intentions...God has given me an awesome sense to know when and what is too much and not in line with what my counselor and I are working on...please don't stop giving me advice you intend from your heart.....I need it..
Yes..It would be a great gift if I could have my needs met by him...but like my counselor said.." apparently God doesn't think you need that.."..and he also feels as you do...that it will be me and my journey to bring about [my husband's] change...again..it sucks..!...but at the same time..He is the one to get the glory...I must feel privilege to be a person of such impact in another's life....
My thanks to you for listening to me.....and being patient with me...this is not easy stuff to share....even though parts of this I can barely accept myself right at this moment...and I hope that you can continue to sharpen me...I look forward to it....even though at times..it is not easy....but trust ...is a step in a direction for me...that is new...thanks for offering it...it means a great deal to me...and will to my family
Of course share what you think will help.....I have no objections...
what is that Proverb reference...?....
Dear Sister in Christ:
You need a relationship with your husband, not his sex partner. Please don t misunderstand me. I feel like I gave you some bad advice when talking about conjugal rights. You have been through a lot and would be wonderful if your husband was able to truly understand and meet your deepest needs. This can happen and God may use you to help him fulfill this roll. I can now talk about what you shared with me. Thank you for sharing. What a privilege to share my sister s most deepest hurts. As Iron sharpens iron. Did you know that you should never use a stone to sharpen a knife? If you do, too much of the iron rubs off the blade. When you use another knife to do the sharpening, both blades lose some iron but both become sharpened. Your story does bring hurt to my soul. In turn I hope to be able to sharpen you, thus your countenance becoming brighter. Read this Proverb and you will see the connection. Your insights can be life changing for others. Should we put it on the web, of course without names?
Grace to you,
Mark
