Irresponsible, Forgetul...
Dear Mark,
I attended a convention this September and heard you speak. I learned so much. I have two boys that I'm
home schooling. I also have two older daughters . Anyway the problem is with my 19 year old daughter.
I don't know how much background you need but I will just ask my question and if you need anything else please let me know. She is in her second year of college. She is fiscally irresponsible. She flies by the seat of her pants when it comes to doing her school work. She doesn't want to spend anytime with her family. She sleeps with her cell phone and I'm not exaggerating. Everything is about her friends. She rarely spends time with her Christian friends. She has more friends that are boys than girls. She is still faithful to church and always goes to the altar call.
We ask that the only thing she do at home
is clean her room and the bathroom she uses once a week. She
won't even change her bed sheets unless I go take them off.
She has tried drinking but to my knowledge she is not drinking or
doing drugs. I also believe that she has remained pure.
I've asked her. She is more prone to lying by omission.
I'm trying not to be critical of her and apply the things I've learned from listening to your CDs. I know she doesn't do the things asked of her because they are not important to her. She forgets. Her Dad and I have been so forgiving (maybe too much) that now I feel like all I am is angry with her.
I get resentful of always giving to her without expectation of anything in return. I don't know how I should handle stuff and I just feel frustrated most of the time. I pray for her all the time.
I guess my question is what do I need to change, because I can't change her.
Thanks for your help.
Concerned Mom
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Dear Concerned Mom:
Your last sentence says it all. Indeed, you can't change her, BUT God can! Your second to the last sentence is the most important. Don't quit praying. Then you said, that maybe you have been too forgiving…I don't think it is possible to be too forgiving…When you have given up your rights, your way, even your life, then you have been forgiving, but not too forgiving. Always keep in mind what it cost God…He who knew no sin, became sin for us, that we might become…
If you didn't have your daughter, you probably wouldn't be praying all the time. Your daughter sounds like she is disconnected from her heavenly Father, and the Lord Jesus. Love her, forgive her, help her, but don't enable her. She may one day become a very needy person, and you will need to be there for her. These are lessons she may have to learn the hard way. I recommend reading Lamentations 3.
The main focus needs to be on your reactions and heart toward your daughter. She should not have a free ride at home, but when how you handle her in your tone, and in your spirit is of the utmost importance. You need God's grace, and it only comes to stay when we humble ourselves. See your daughter as poor and needy and please above all, don't let your pride get in the way when she makes decisions that you not only don't agree with, but may hurt you. Can you imagine how God feels when He sees us making decisions that He knows will hurt us? He doesn't feel angry, He feels compassion. In fact, according to Psalm 103, He doesn't even deal with us according to our sins, but as a father He has compassion upon us. The word compassion means a mother's womb in the Hebrew…safe, protected, and nourished.
Lastly, I would recommend praying for ways that you can serve your daughter and meet her needs. Trust me, God will answer this in ways you never thought possible…and ways that may at first seem inconvenient…again I'm not talking about enabling her bad habits, but trying to reach her heart…the same way God did for us. He didn't wait for us to get it together, he came and stretched out His arms on a cross. Your relationship and struggle with your daughter is really your journey and relationship with the Lord God. It is the process whereby we are changed into the likeness of His Son.
Grace to you and your daughter,
Mark
