Laziness
Dear Mr. Hamby,
Thank you so much for your ministry. My husband had ordered some tapes by another speaker at the CHEC conference in Denver. When the tapes came there was a note attached that one of the tapes was unavailable and to choose another. I perused the list and saw your tape listed on laziness. Aha! Just what we needed for our lazy son! I ordered the tape. The day before the tape arrived we had a great and shocking disappointment in the life of our 14 year old son. The next day your tape arrived and I listened to it, heartbroken, as I drove running errands. The Holy Spirit smote my heart tremendously. When I got home I gave it to my husband and said, "You have got to listen to this tape. I realize that what he says pertains a lot to me, but I want you to listen to too." The Lord opened our eyes to what we had been doing.
We had truly wanted the best for our son, but we (especially perfectionistic me) had gotten pretty domineering and oppressive with our child training. Since I have homeschooled from day one, the poor boy had no escape from me.
It has been several months and we have seen a great change in our son's spirit. Hopefully, he has seen a great change in us also. We have listened to your tape on the angry parent and read your back newsletter articles.
We don't want to return to our old ways, yet we would like to help him develop some work ethic. I realize I may have driven away most of his desire to work by breathing down his neck for so long and demanding perfection. We have bought many of your character books and being an avid reader he has enjoyed them all. Can you suggest the next tape that will help us as parents help him?
Thank you again for sharing your personal testimony that others might have their eyes opened.
In Christ,
Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother,
God is so good. Thank you for your kind words. My sons are 18 and 22 and to this very day they still don’t really like working for me. They will if asked but rarely will they go out of their way. Just the other day I had to carry the back seat of our suburban from our porch back to the car. My arm was aching, I was in a hurry, and my son David was within sight! So I gently but firmly asked him if he could help me carry the seat to the car. He was bothered that I would inconvenience him and he began to excitedly tell me how much he had to do and was late himself for Basketball practice. Likely excuse I thought to myself, but then the gracious Holy Spirit convicted me right on the spot. Here is what I learned from that situation. First, I would have never dreamed of not helping my father when he needed help. This has added to my frustrations because I expect my sons to respond as I did. Then I began to rehearse in my mind how I had asked David to help me. I didn’t for one moment regard or respect what was going on in his life at that moment. All that I saw was what I needed done. His frustration level was apparent, and now I had an opportunity to be redemptive. Immediately I told him that I was sorry for not showing him respect in the way I approached him. I told him that I should have asked him if he had time to help me and if not maybe we could do it later when he returned home. He immediately responded, the frustration faded and a relationship was strengthened. My son desires for his dad to respect him. To give him the same respect that I desire. We have to be the one’s to model it first however.
I say all of that for this reason. You son may not ever help to the degree you desire, or be as responsible as you demand. What is more important is “how” you respond to him during the times when you would like him to be more responsible. Gentleness, mercy, and meekness, will motivate much more than dominating authority. Now there is a good side to my two sons. They are both the hardest workers I have ever known—just not for me! J A few weeks ago I visited my oldest son Jonathan in San Diego, where he now lives. When my wife and I arrived at his door, he opened it, greeted us with hugs and kisses, and then asked us both to take our shoes off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? He didn’t want his carpet soiled! And he was dead serious! My wife and I have had a few good laughs about this. I could never get him to take his shoes off. His apartment was spotless. He was taking great pride in his accomplishments. It is much more important for us to model than to make someone do something. Now please don’t misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that he gets a free ride. But I would suggest to be content with smaller tasks as you express affirmation. Start emptying the reservoir of the past and begin filling it with kindness and encouragement. Use others as much as possible to cultivate work ethic and responsibility. My son David works for a neighbor that he really respects and he works like a dog! I love it! Make sure that you find someone who he will respect and look up to. Otherwise he will not want to do more than is necessary.
There are 2 new tapes that might be of help. Character of the Kingdom and Uniquely Used of God and a video, If you are a Christian, Don’t Tell Anyone. (The books that your son should read are: Shipwrecked But Not Lost; The Captive; Boys of Grit who Never Gave Up; Buried in the Snow; and The Boy Who Never Lost a Chance) Three books that I would recommend for you and your husband are Tale of 3 Kings, Let Go by Fenelon; and Education of a Child by Fenelon or the audio tape.)
The first tape will explain why children enjoy working for someone who “values” them and then strives to work with a standard of excellence when they develop “worth.”
Well Concerned Mother, I hope this helps a little. I think that I will be in Denver again this year, Lord willing.
May this Christmas bring you many blessings,
Mark
