Out of the Depths
Mark,
This is going to be hard for me to write.
I've been very fortunate in this life. God has blessed me with a beautiful wife and soon to be six wonderful kids. We go to a church I love and have made friends with couples that I care deeply for. I've been allowed and privileged to meet some incredible men and women who deeply love God, you being one of them. And I have the honor of watching my wife's dream of helping other women become real.
I've made some serious mistakes in my life. Four and a half years ago, on Monday, October 16, 2000, I found myself at rock bottom. Sunday, the night before, my wife and I had a horrible fight. In a rage, I lashed out and shoved her back into a table and then left the house to spend the night at my mom's. I was arrested that next afternoon in our previous church's parking lot. (I was on the way into a counseling session for her and I.) Because there was physical evidence of abuse, the state took over and began prosecuting me for violence against a female. I spent that Monday night in jail (hell) completely separated from any sort of love. I had lost my wife, my children (she had me served with a restraining order that night), my church, and my friends. And unfortunately, that's just the beginning. Besides anger, I had been struggling with pornography all my life, had become addicted to the 'net, had been having an affair, and had severe financial difficulties. I spent that night in jail barely able to breathe, alone in the darkness of a loveless place, crying out to God to forgive me. I couldn't have put it into words at the time, but now I realize just how deeply angry at myself and ashamed of myself I had always been.
My father bailed me out the next day. The very second I pulled his car door shut, I began sobbing.
Things were very hard for me (thankfully) after that. I had to complete a year of anger management class for the state and also began seeing a Christian counselor. In January of 2001, I began meeting with a group of seven other guys at the counseling center. It lasted for over two years. God also brought other "messengers" to me who shared wonderful stories of God's love and grace. I slowly began to rebuild my life.
Things are much better now. I don't deserve any of what I have - I've learned a lot about brokenness, humbleness, forgiveness, and redemption. Our marriage has it's ups and downs, but my wife is my best friend. I'm a better father to my children. I don't have life "figured out." I still have to be careful. But most of the time, I feel hopeful.
At this point in my life, I'm doing all I know how to do to share with others what I've been through and all that I've learned over the past 4 ½ years. I've been able to help some couples at church with money issues and marital issues, and also become involved with our church's men's ministry. I'm going to keep pushing my life in the direction of helping people, hoping that one day I'll figure out a way to do it full time. It's my heart's desire to tell others about the amazing grace that saved a wretch like me.
And I think I know why I specifically wanted to send you this. Your message of God's love - the story of a father who's willing to do anything to restore the relationship with his son - touches something in my soul that leaves me breathless. Do you struggle with whether you're saying the right thing? I hope not. I'm here to tell you that as a prodigal son, I would want a father such as you (I have one by the way. My dad's love is very similar to yours.) After living a life eating the remains of the pigs' supper, I believe with all my heart that God's love is just as you describe it. Yes, God is a G od of judgment. But His grace is greater then I could ever imagine or deserve. I think what I'm trying to pass along is that your ministry continues to be a big part of my 'recovery.' You speak the truth. Thank you.
