(Sensitive Topic)
Hi Mark,
I'm new to your ministry and just read your article "Freedom to Grow in An Environment of Grace." It broke my heart. The only thing is, I am so battle weary and numb I don't know what step to take. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We have had a very tumultuous existence. We did manage to produce a precious little girl who is now 7. Without a doubt we would be divorced now if it were not for her. We have attempted counseling many times through the years but it never resulted in any change. Now my husband refuses to consider it and I can't say I blame him. There is no conversation, no prayer, no friendship or fellowship with each other or others, no family ties and certainly no fun or memories! Our life and home is a living hell with constant strife and conflict. I would do anything for peace!!!
Ironically, there is the addition of frequent sex. But it is only physical and hard. No love or intimacy between us. And it's usually after nights he's been out with his friends and drinking. Please understand, I know I'm having great difficulty creating a home that is peaceful and welcoming. I live in a constant cycle of frustration and anger!! But I want peace and change and I am desperate to find it! I know it will only be through Gods wisdom and grace. Mark is there anything such as marriage coaches or mentoring?? I honestly agree, we don't need anymore counseling. We know what to do (or at
least I think I do.) We need help applying what we learn/living it. Neither of us come from homes that had healthy let alone Godly role models. I know for sure we would continue the legacy our parents gave us (which is strife and conflict) at best, or divorced. While my daughter is the motivation for my cry for help I'm not even getting along with her!! But I know that most of the conflict I have with her is because of the conflict I have with my husband. I can't bear to see her become insecure and detached like I was. It is a misery I want to spare her.
I know you must get tons of email but I would be so thankful for your thoughts. God bless you and your ministry. It's the first hope I've had in awhile...
Dear Sister:
Just returned from the West Coast. I am traveling about 40 weeks a year but usually have access to email. This week the email wasn't working. I would suggest counseling with someone in your area, but let's see how far we can get and how much this advise will help you. First there are two books you need to read. The one is called How to Act Right When My Spouse Acts Wrong. The other is the book, Boundaries by Cloud. These books will help you out of your particular rut. First, divorce is not an option...so let's look at the bigger picture. The Omnipotent God place you and your husband together for a reason. He NEEDS YOU! Without you, his life would crumble even more. Your calling by God is much like the Holy Spirit. In fact, when He created Eve, this is the exact Word that is used to describe Eve... the same word to describe the Holy Spirit's function in the NT. The question is, are you ready to do the work that God has called you to do? Step away from the trees so that you can see the forest. The Apostle Paul was called to endure great affliction. Joseph was called to be imprisoned for 20 years. Esther was called to be married to a polygamist but in the end she was able to deliver a nation! In fact, each of these people delivered many as a result of their willing to fight the great fight of faith in the midst of affliction and adversity. You need to start growing in Christ and take you eyes off of your needs and begin seeing the needs of your husband and daughter. I know that this doesn't seem like a lot of hope, but we serve a God who withhold no good thing from those who walk uprightly. Therefore, delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. By the way, the word, "delight" means to be stretched out! Are you willing to be stretched?
Mark Hamby
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Hi Mark,
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate your time. I will get the books you mentioned and prayerfully consider counseling. I honestly am losing all hope. I know God is much bigger and able to change my marriage. And while I am willing I can't help thinking God may need us BOTH to be willing. Otherwise, it seems we are just floundering. I don't know if you've ever experienced marital problems but it truly feels like you're drowning and you are desperate just to get a breath of air.Short of sounding dramatic, it feels like you're dying. I would like to ask you to share more about my role as a wife being like the function of the Holy Spirit. I've never heard that before and would like to understand more. Do you have a teaching available that discusses this?
Thank you Mark for you ministry and for caring...I know you are incredibly busy. Please know that a very tired wife and our 7 year old daughter are eternally grateful.
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Hi Mark,
I was delighted to hear from you. To tell you the truth I vacillate between overwhelming frustration and anger to really trying to seek God and understand what He is teaching me thru this. I'm just incredulous that after 14 years of marriage before having our 1st (and only) child who is now 7 and of course impressionable, my husband decides to live a compromising lifestyle. I must tell you that I was so blessed a few weeks ago as I was able to attend a homeschool conference in Arlington and got to visit your booth. I do not homeschool but went with a friend. I've been immensely blessed by your Life Transforming series, especially the Strong Willed Parent. I have laughed and wept with your testimony and honesty thru all of the CD's. I have listened and re-listened and continue to be tremendously blessed! Now I cant wait to order the 2nd series. I have also been reading the book you originally recommended, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong as well a book called Sacred Marriage. Excellent books! And, I picked up a book at your booth called, How to really love your child and How to really love your angry child. I've read them both. Interestingly, the anger my daughter is displaying as a result of not feeling loved and having enough focused attention is exactly how I feel too. We are both constantly vying for my husbands attention and I know I NEVER feel my love tank is full and can only assume by her behavior hers is not full as well. On top of that, I'm not keeping my anger and frustration in check therefore she is not even getting enough love and attention from me. It just feels there is hurt upon hurt and the resulting strife and conflict . I asked you previously about something you mentioned about the role of the wife being like the function of the Holy Spirit. Can you expound on that? I would love to know more.
Again Mark, thanks for caring and thank you for your ministry.
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Dear Sister:
The word for help meet in the OT is a similar word to the word Comforter in the NT, as referring to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit, comes along side of us (actually lives inside), and supports us, encourages us, strengthens, rebukes, chastises, protects etc...
When God created Adam, he created him incomplete. His wife Eve would be the completer to his life. In all men, there is something missing. We are handicapped, you might say...and our wives help us be complete. Not nagging, but supportive. Quietly working behind the scenes (not always behind the scenes) supporting and encouraging her husband. Unfortunately, many men do not realize their deficiency. A wise woman however, will attract her husband...draw her husband, through her skillful and wise behavior. Your godliness works as a sanctifying power for both your husband and daughter. I Corinthians 7 teaches this clearly.
You have some great books to start with. You must read the Little Lamb, Jessica's First Prayer, Winter's Folly, Fireside Reading vol 2, Probable Sons, and a Peep Behind the Scenes, to your daughter. These books will help her greatly; especially in light of her father's sinful choices and the void in her life. If you are hurting financially, just let the receptionist know when you call, and they will work with you. God is control; He knows exactly what you need. Don't let go. He gives just enough grace for each day. Don't think about tomorrow.
Mark
