Transparency or Vulnerability
Victor Frankl, who spent agonizing and torturous years in a Nazi concentration camp, borrowed Nietzsche’s dictum to convey a remarkable, positive perspective of an extremely hurtful and grotesque situation: “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” Similarly, the Apostle Peter said, “The God of all grace who has called us to His eternal glory, after you have suffered awhile, will make you perfect, establish you, strengthen you, settle you.” In the same way, just as biological stressors such as viruses and bacteria attack the body, they also cause the immune system to grow stronger. The body cannot adapt to the stress without experiencing it.
In August, just moments before speaking at a conference, I was hit with a virus of some kind. I felt like I was about to pass out, but I held on. My ability to think clearly was impaired, and my head was throbbing. For the next eight weeks I felt like my life was on hold. I couldn’t write or communicate effectively. Though I feared what might happen when I began to conduct seminars again, I found something ironically comforting. My slowness of mind and speech required me to be quite vulnerable. Several times I had to pause and ask the audience to help me regain my place in my thoughts. This was not embarrassing because I trusted the audience, and their love and understanding was evident. If their support had not been apparent, then fear would have caused me to cover my weakness and make the best out of a bad situation. But my willingness to be vulnerable, coupled with their apparent love and support, allowed me to gain confidence, remove fear, and enjoy the work that only God could do.
In the past I have shared a great deal about my failures as a father and husband. Hurting brothers and sisters continually thank me for being so transparent and often with tears encourage me to continue to have the strength to be so transparent. Over the years I have found myself actually receiving recognition and praise for my transparency. Transparency in itself, however, is not necessarily a positive attribute. Transparency could merely be an attempt to selectively expose weaknesses that you are comfortable exposing because it actually brings you into a positive light—almost with a sense of false humility. Even if your motives for being transparent are noble, it is not a place in which to reside. Transparency must be transformed into vulnerability. Vulnerability is coming under another’s influence by submitting to the love they offer [1]. When we are willing to be vulnerable, we choose to trust God and others with our lives. We cannot grow fully in Christ apart from community. No man is an island. We are so blind to ourselves. I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself this year--so much that I was totally blind to.
The most recent episode was when my wife, with that gleam in her eyes, said, “I finally see what you do when something goes wrong and you’re not in control.” This wasn’t a good time for a counseling session. You see, the mechanic had forgotten to set the keys in the car after they changed the brakes. It was after work hours, and we were late for a dinner engagement. My daughter was with us, and she was being dropped off to pick up our second vehicle. So I looked at my wife and said, “Didn’t you call the garage and tell them to leave the keys in the car?” She retorted, “No, didn’t you call the garage?!” Ok, this approach was not going to get me very far and we still had a long night ahead of us, so I better choose my battles more carefully. Yes, I see the culprit! The mechanic is still in the garage. The lights are off in the sales room, but I see him back in the garage section working on a car. I see him, but I don’t recognize him. He must be a new employee. I knocked on the window, but he ignored me. I knocked more aggressively. He caught my eye and with conviction I said, “Hey, you forgot to place my keys in the car!” With black, grease-covered hands he motioned that he couldn’t help me, but I became more convincing that this was not my problem but his. “I need my car, and I can’t leave without the keys,” I said sounding irritated. He said that he would have to call the owner and get permission, so I waited. It was then that my wife looked at me and said, “I finally see what you do.” “What’s that?” I asked. She looked at me and said, “When you don’t get your way, you make others feel like they’ve done something wrong.” This was big! The truth struck me right between the eyes. A knock out punch and I was down for the count. I felt ashamed that I had treated this poor man so shamefully. I had used a weaker person for my advantage. This is exactly what I had been doing as a parent and husband. When my world wasn’t turning the way I wanted it to, I could easily dominate others in order to protect my own insecurities, my own fears, or just to selfishly get my way. In both parenting and marriage I dominated and controlled in order to protect myself; in order to control what was not mine to control.
The Indian poet Tagore wrote: “No, it is not yours to open the buds into blossom. Shake the bud, strike it, it is beyond your power to make it blossom…He who can open the bud does it so simply. He gives it a glance and the life sap stirs through its veins…” [2] Too often we try to control what is only God’s to control. Controlling individuals are rarely willing to be vulnerable because they have to give up the reins to their lives. Giving up the reins is very difficult for a controller. We like to be in the driver’s seat…literally! Giving up the reins means trusting others with me. This is the first step toward rebuilding relationships. It is not until trust and love begin working together that our fears can subside. Perfect love casts out fear as trust provides the safety for us to walk on uncharted waters. Are there risks to trusting others with me? Absolutely. But it is the sacred path that must be followed. It is God’s design. When we learn to trust, we teach by a living example; then others will be willing to trust us with them. Vulnerability, or coming under the influence of others by submitting to the love they offer, allows one to be fully loved and fully known, without any fear of rejection. This is the love that our children need. This is the love that we all long for.
Mark Hamby
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