A Humble Confession ...
Oh man..every time God brings me to my knees...it is an experience I must share..
After I wrote you this morning....I went on to read in The Wounded Heart.. the very next chapter is on Honesty.." Honesty is the commitment to see reality as it is, without conscious distortion, minimization, or spiritualization. Honesty begins by admitting we are deceived, and that we would rather construct a false world than face the bright, searing light of truth. An honest person acknowledges his fondness for vague, half-truths that neither require change nor rip away the presumption of self-sufficiency."
"Why must we admit what is true? Because dishonesty, or living in denial, is actually an attempt to dethrone God. It is an attempt to become God with the power to construct the world and reality according to our own desire..."....." God does not play by our rules nor resolve our wound and ache as we desire; therefore , we leave God's world and create one that is more palatable to our taste, even if it robs us of life and love ."..( how powerful is this ... I do all of these things, denial, minimize...but I dont want to dethrone God..)
I spoke to [my counselor] yesterday morning......I said to him that the last time we spoke...I did not talk about what I needed to say...( on the phone)...I realized this past week...... that I have a tendency to change the subject when things are getting too risky, painful or shameful etc....and I shared that with him.....but I do not realize I am doing it at the time....(I believe that God is allowing me to see..so now accountability!)..
You know what he said...I want to die.." Yea..I know.."..what!..I said." Oh..you noticed?".."Oh big time" he said..."especially last week...you avoided the issue all night"...the issue..???...that dumb memory.....
Yesterday when i mentioned something about being exhausted ...I keep thinking that if I am doing something within the will of God..should I be exhausted..?..probably not....even though all of the things I talk about and discuss are well within the boundaries and necessary for my journey..I think that there is a definite path God has for me...not the same for everyone....I think this might be a sign to me, being exhausted in doing, to re-evaluate my walk at the time..what do you think....I have learned to put the hurtful things aside and let myself not feel...
