Betrayal
This is a story maybe unlike any you have ever heard before. It is truly one of a kind in detail, but actually not unlike the life changing stories in our lives where God takes our heart-aches and turns them into blessings. We all know that we face difficulties in our lives. For some it may be an illness or letting go of a loved one, for others, depression or financial strain, or even a wayward child. It is in those times that we come face to face with the truth of who we really are and who Christ really is in us. My journey began with a question of my own identity.
It all started right after my husband and I were led to start a music/drama evangelism ministry called “Simple Faith”. We were very excited about what this opportunity would bring, but we weren’t sure we were ready to answer the call. Not long after that, on Oct. 6, 1995 at 2:00 AM, we were awakened by the startling ring of the phone. My father had suffered a massive heart attack. He was on life support, and he died later that day after I reached his bedside. After the funeral, reality set in, and I began the most difficult journey of my life.
My father had died without a will, and my sister and I were left with sorting out a tangled web of bills, business transactions and personal property. Trying to untangle it all was difficult, but trying to stay united in this overwhelming responsibility was almost impossible. Things began to come unraveled just two years into the probate of his estate. I showed up for a court hearing, and I was told by my attorney that my sister was challenging my rights as an heir to the estate claiming that my dad was not my real father. In a short time I lost my father, the image of my family that I had known for 32 years, and my identity.
For the next four years I simply walked in broken submission to where ever my journey would take me. I walked through clinical depression, suicidal thoughts, a high-risk pregnancy, a dying marriage, and a life without smiles. Amazingly, even in the midst of the pain, God continued to do miraculous things to keep reminding me just how much He loved me. He continued to show me that He had not left my side.
From the beginning of the paternity issue, DNA testing had been a possible result if the courts did not rule in my favor. It was close to the end of four years of court proceedings when the Lord made it clear to me in prayer time that in order for this valley to come to an end I needed to offer to take a DNA test. I was obedient, and rather than waiting to be forced by the courts, I offered to make a legal settlement with my sister. I would take the test, on the conditions that the estate would finally be auctioned and divided, and that my sister could not know the lab that would do the testing or the results of the test until the auction was complete. I would also agree to take less than my share of the inheritance in order for the settlement to be agreeable. I felt that a lot of valuable things had been taken from me, letting go of my share of the inheritance seemed to be the easiest one.
Two days prior to the DNA test, I found myself struggling with being obedient to the agreement. I knew that once the results were in, there would be no question to my identity. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to die to who I wanted to be. As I opened up a book I had been reading, called “The Gift for all People”, I was amazed to see that the chapter was on Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene. This was a story that I had read a thousand times before, but tonight I was living it. I was only a stones throw away, as I watched Jesus in the garden, just as Peter, James and John had. For the first time in my life, I truly caught a glimpse of what it really must have been like for Jesus as he struggled with obedience even unto death. I realized in those moments in the garden that Jesus wasn’t cloaked in sainthood but in humanity. He pleaded for the Lord to let the cup pass from him, yet He knew that He must be obedient to the plan. In the end, He knew that His dying was required in order that others might be saved. Because of that struggle, we can trust that He truly understands our own human struggles with obedience. I think that Jesus wants to take us all to our own Garden of Gethsemane because when we go there with him our life is forever changed. That garden experience molded and shaped me for the task that lay ahead. I truly understood the heart-breaking struggle Jesus experienced, because the Lord was requiring great sacrifice from me.
On the day of the test, I carried that same book with me in hopes that the Lord would once again use it to show me some incredible message. I had no idea what the reading for the day would be on. As I sat waiting my turn, I literally felt as though I were being crucified. I had been drug from court to court, I had been beaten down over and over again, and my own family had ridiculed me. When I opened the book, at the top of the page it said, “Bounteous Grace”. I certainly needed God’s grace in this moment. Then I read the scripture for the day. It said, “For you no longer have to worry about who your father is, for you are an heir to my throne through my son, Jesus.” Gal. 4:7.
It was at that very moment that I knew where to find my identity. I recognized myself as the daughter of the most-high God, and an heir to the throne of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I knew who I really was for the first time in my life, and the results of a DNA test would never be able to change that I had been adopted by Him, through His death on the cross.
I share this story with you in hopes that it will some how change your life, as it has mine. I learned some incredible lessons about God the Father during my journey through a lonely, barren dessert, just as Israelites had as they wandered through the dessert. I learned that God is faithful, and He does have a plan for our lives. It’s a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, and it will give us a hope and a future in Him. When I was hungry He fed me His word. When I was thirsty, He gave me living water, and when I was alone He held my hand.
There are three main things that I learned that impacted me the most. I realized that as long as we live on this earth, we will walk through valleys, and some will be more difficult than others. The valleys we will face aren’t really about us, and the journey is not really about the valley itself. It is about how beautiful the Lord will be in the midst of the walk. Are you in a valley where you are focusing on the pain of the journey, instead of looking for the beautiful face of God? I also realized that there had always been a wall between my Heavenly Father and I. My relationship with Him was based on the example of fatherhood I learned from my earthly father, an abuser. Sometimes we put character traits on God that are not who He really is. Often they are based on an unhealthy relationship with a parent. I would challenge you to examine your relationship with the Lord to make sure that you haven’t placed any unholy attributes on Him that are contrary to who He really is. Ask yourself if you are experiencing the full measure of a Father’s love in your relationship with Him? I think the most important thing I learned was about sacrifice. When we come to a garden of surrender, and we’re struggling with obedience to the Father, if we crucify our will and die to our own selfish desires, then and only then will we be resurrected in Him. Jesus died in order that others might live, and we too must be willing to die if others are to see Christ in us. Personal death, burial and resurrection of our human will is what enables us to answer the call of Christ and give “the gift for all people”, the gift of salvation.
