Trust--too close...too separate

Trust is the basis for all healthy relationships. When trust is broken, we experience hurt, shame, anger, resentment, and sometimes vengeance. For me personally, when trust is broken in a relationship I experience hurt. To overcome such hurt we must first experience and interact with our Saviors love and forgiveness on a personal and authentic level. I have experienced both ends...i have been the cause of mistrust and have experienced a dear friends violation of my trust in them. To lose trust hurts deeply and is often difficult to regain. But he who has been forgiven the most, should, love the most;

For most families, there is a constant juggling act of trying to balance forgiveness with justice. This imbalance of connecting with our family or friends, when trust is broken, surrounds the basic needs of the human heart. Some of us will do anything to resolve the crisis..it drives us almost insane when there isn't a reciprocal response to our act of repentance. We long to be have restored relathionships but we face the distance set up by the offended. They in turn create such a distance, that their heart now also become empty. Their overexaggerted sense of justice distorts their ability to see God for who He really is, and therefore creates a damaging wedge for their earthly and heavenly relationships.

In all relationships, there is a struggle with being disconnected and overly-connected. They are two of our basic human needs:

1. The need to be separate (identity, contribution).
2. The need to be close (to be accepted, love and be loved).

To be separate in a positive sense is to define self. Self revelation depends upon our knowledge of God. We understand ourselves and our responsibilities as a parent, spouse, and friend, in terms of our understanding of God and His relationship to His Son. An inability to define oneself pushes one to become dictatorial, detached, enmeshed or indulgent; one’s family and friends then becomes the measurement of their self-worth and identity.

To be close in a positive sense is to understand that we have been commissioned by God to provide a service for those he has entrusted into our care. In a negative sense, we tend to cling through manipulation in order to hold on to what we believe fills a longing or void in our heart…our very soul. And because this void is God-shaped, it cannot ever be filled completely with another person or an entire family, or all the friends in the world.

*To be too separate or too close produces anxiety. The more intense our anxiety becomes, the more extreme our positions will be. Either we become too remote or too entangled. If we are too anxious about being close, we disengage. We exaggerate separateness. “I can only count on myself.” “I’m absolutely right.” In the same manner, if we are overanxious about being separate, we enmesh. We are stuck together in an exaggerated way. “I can’t live without you.” “I’ll give you what you want for my own peace of mind, at the expense of my own soul. When enmeshed in this way, we cannot see life objectively and we resist any work that the Holy Spirit may be trying to accomplish through those lonely periods. I think of Jeremiah in Lamentations chapter 3 (which I highly recommend everyone read), when he said that “The Lord is my portion, says my soul, Therefore I hope in Him! The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the deliverance of the Lord.” Oh if we could just learn to wait and trust the Lord during those times of intense longing for relationships to bring us happiness and fulfillment. Joy really does return in the morning…if we will wait…on Him. He is our Father, who delights to give us the desires of our hearts..it just takes waiitng...waiting for God to show Himself strong on our behalf...we have been so conditioned to want it now.

When we become anxious, we suspend or sacrifice our own beliefs (if we have beliefs), values, or goals in order to keep life smooth and equal. We exchange integrity for harmony. We believe we can only be close if we are the same or tucked tightly together. Differences must be denied or neglected.

Extreme separateness and closeness are anxiety driven. It comes from a sense of hopelessness rather than helpfulness. The bottom line is that this polarity is an expression of our own low toleration of pain which reveals our lack of relationship with our Father in Heaven. I love what Solomon wrote in Proverbs 3: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh and strength to your bones.” Literally, we are made well, when we learn to trust and be trusted…and only then can we enjoy the balance of closeness and separateness…as we begin to understand and know God in our relationship with His Son.

*How Your Church Family Works. Peter Steinke