Shunned--A Stranger at Home

To be shunned has to be one of the worst feelings for a child to go through. Shunning is a practice that is found in some religious groups and is even found in the Bible for a sinning brother or sister who refuses to listen to correction. But shunning a child should never be practiced and should be the last resort for a sinning brother or sister. In the book Stranger at Home, there is a story of an eight year old child who refuses to have her parents tell her what to do. She lets them know that she is old enough to make her own decisions and if she wants their advice she would ask for it. Now what would you do if this were your child? I know some of you would spank her and that would be the end of it--hopefully. And this might indeed be appropriate in some cases. But most often, children respond defiantly because of one of four reasons: Power, revenge, inadequacy, or attention. Sadly to say, a parent who shuns their child in order to teach them a lesson may also be influenced by these same four motivations.

Francois Fenelon in his book The Education of Child writes: “Be not too severe with the behavior that is not disguised from you. Do not appear astonished or irritated at their bad dispositions; on the contrary, be compassionate to their weaknesses…approachable confidence and genuineness are more useful to them, than to exercise a rigorous authority over them;” In the book Stranger at Home, the parents of the defiant eight year old, do the unthinkable to draw their child back to be subject to their authority. They kindly allow the child to rule her own life while living under their roof, but under one condition: she will not be allowed to ask them for any advice. Her parents also inform her that they will feed her, protect her, cloth her and care for her but they will no longer tell her what to do. At first, her new found freedom is liberating. But as the days roll by, she begins to feel isolated even though her parents are living right beside her. And even though they are kind and caring to their child, the need to be governed becomes a young eight year olds most earnest desire. It isn’t long before she will do anything to have her parents tell her what to do. God has created in each of us a desire to live within boundaries. There is no one who demonstrates this better than my friend Lew Sterrett. I have seen him many times calm and prepare an unbroken horse for riding by first setting boundaries for himself. In other words, how will he respond when the horse resists his authority? Once this occurs, the horse willingly follows.

Shunning a child, spouse, or friend, only exacerbates the problem by cultivating more ill will. Personally, it would be very difficult for me to shun my child, my wife, or a friend for any length of time; it just isn’t in me. And even when I have tried this method (in the flesh), I have always been the one most miserable. As God’s children we have been given the ministry of reconciliation. 2^nd Corinthians 5:18 It is when the offended refuses to be reconciled with the offender that shunning is most hurtful and difficult to endure. What can be done? Wait patiently, while God works in the heart of the other party…Jesus said, “But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” David in Psalm 37 writes: Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not yourself…Cease from anger, forsake wrath: fret not yourself in any wise to do evil…but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.” We can’t change the heart of others…but we can accept the circumstances that God has ordained by fretting not and doing good and above all, placing the needs of others higher than our own. Phil 2:3 When we live within these boundaries, we open the door for reconciliation…for eight year olds as well as fifty year olds.

[jana, fyi..mrktg]