pornography (revisited--new material)

I receive a considerable number of requests from parents who are desperate for help when they find that their teen has been viewing pornography on the net. I am not sure of the statistics, but in my experience, those teens who seem to have more chronic problems in this area are the teens whose parents have also had problems with pornography. This is usually my first question for parents and the response is usually one of defensiveness. One dad in particular didn’t see how is addiction to pornography had anything to do with his son’s attraction to porn, especially since his son was only a toddler at the time. What parents need to know is that our sins do indeed effect our children, regardless of how old they are. I am not sure if this void in our children’s lives occurs as a result of a spiritual transfer or caused by an emotional impact.

As I read the Scriptures I see a repeated emphasis on the children following in the sins of their fathers. The books of I and II Kings are filled with this repeated information. Again, we are not told how or why this occurs, but it stands to reason that our children follow the models they have been raised with. Though I do not believe that the sins of the fathers are passed down generationally any longer for believers, (Christ has set us free—yes I know this is controversial), I do believe that each of us possess certain genetic predispositions that makes us susceptible to certain addictions and tendencies. For example, alcohol and drug use can be traced in my family history. I personally do not like the taste of alcohol and do not drink as a Christian because of certain biblical convictions (this is another controversial subject…but if you are a king and priest of Christ, kings don’t drink alcohol…like I said controversial). Neither do I do drugs…however, there was a time in my life that I needed medication that was highly addictive, and it was very difficult for me to get off this medication. It actually took me two years to overcome this. Without even realizing what was happening to me at the time, I had been addicted to a drug, thus the connection to my family history…a genetic predisposition. Anger can be another genetic predisposition as well as a host of behaviors inherited from our ancestors.

When it has been discovered that a teen has an attraction to pornography, the first response must be one of soberness but not harshness. If a parent responds in an out of control manner, the child may cover his sins more carefully or withdraw because of shame. Our children need to know that they are FULLY LOVED, FULLY KNOWN, WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF REJECTION. This is essential. We need to recognize that we all struggle with sin in one form or another. When a teen is caught with something that is shameful, we need to be shame removers. Shame was the same reaction of Adam and Eve, and God Himself covered them. Love covers a multitude of sins. And even if the child is caught again, we need to be consistent with our approach, gently guiding them to understand the spiritual nature of the sin and how Satan is trying to rob them of the beauty that will one day be theirs in marriage. They need to know that Satan is trying his best to distort what God created as pure and beautiful so that they will never be able to enjoy the fullest of God’s gift to them. If you can get them to begin thinking of this as something that they need to take on as a person fight, then there is hope.

This is also a time when the child can come face to face with his own lack of intimacy with the Savior; a time when he needs to reflect on whether or not his salvation is real. Again, no shame. This is an opportunity for both parent and child to come before the throne of grace, seeking for God’s mercy to find grace to help in the time of need. If the attraction continues, then the next step is one of boundaries, though this could be instituted on a less aggressive schedule from the start. But if it persists, then drastic measures are in order. Jesus taught us how to deal with addictive behavior: if your eye offends, cut it out; if you hand offends, cut it off. Jesus is teaching about radical and drastic measures when repeated sin has a hold on our lives. I have found in my experience that a more soft approach rarely works. Let me share some of the more drastic and radical approaches of overcoming this particular sin.

As I have stated above, our approach with teens and children needs to be one where we release guilt and shame offering guidance and support. However, adult attraction or addiction to this sinful activity must be met with a more radical approach…in my opinion. The only men (I have not dealt with women in this area) that I know of, that are no longer addicted to this behavior are men whose wives took action immediately, swiftly, and radically. One woman, took the tv, computers, and video games and smashed them on the front sidewalk serving as a welcoming mat when her husband arrived home. He got the message immediately, and there was an immediate confession and repentance. She also pulled the cable out of the plastered wall, leaving quite the trail. This woman fought for her husband’s welfare and wasn’t going to wait for him to waffle through a period of accountability partners and group therapy. She was bold and courageous and as a result her husband today is serving the Lord and is a great father and husband.

Lastly, when dealing with a teenager, I would say that one of the most important things to do, is to NOT force the Bible down their throat, but let devotions and Scripture be an influence as well as many godly outside influences like youth pastor etc... Next I would influence him with as many godly examples found in books. Ronald Reagan said it was the book That Printer of Udell’s that led him to Christ and prepared him to become the president of the US. Here are my choices for the most influential books that teens should be reading that will provide a greater attraction that the false substitutes the devil provides:

1. The Hedge of Thorns

2. Tom Gillies

3. Rising to the Top

4. My Mates and I

5. Throw Me Overboard

6. Shipwrecked

7. Stick to the Raft

8. Ishmael and Self Raised

9. That Printer of Udell’s

10. Thoughts for Young Men

Remember, no shame…they need to know that they are fully loved, fully known, with no fear of rejection…they need to know that they are fully known, and that is ok…it is ok, because we know that we also are fully known by God and it wouldn’t hurt if our teens knew that we too struggle with sin as well. We are all in this together. The models they will learn about in the books will, with the help of the Holy Spirit, etch into the fabric of their moral conscience, a pattern for godliness that they can follow. With a parent’s fervent prayers, our children can be helped to overcome these enticing sins of the flesh. I have found that it is far better to fight this sin when they are young rather than to face it when they are married. This is what parenting is all about. Sin in the lives of our children must be approached with all of our strength, and humility…we can’t cry out to God enough….they need our protection…I would also consider talking with them and having a plan so that they know what happens if they are caught looking at porn again…i.e. Loss of computer; involvement with pastor or youth pastor…a little fear and known consequences would be helpful…without shame.

Helpful resources: http://www.onenewsnow.com/2007/06/survey_finds_evangelicals_addi.php

more statistics - http://www.blazinggrace.org/pornstatistics.htm

articles - http://ati.iblp.org/ati/supportlink/ministryfamilies/speed/