Emptying the Reservior of a 21 Year Old
Dear mark, your ministry is blessing and changing my whole understanding about relationship not only with my family but with my savior. I am listening to your life tape series and I have a question for you. My husband and I are working through some rough spots in our relationship with bibicail counseling. we have 4 children ages, 21 - 18- 16-13. our oldest is a boy and we were the strong willed parents, so much like your seminar. our son is angry with God and not serving him. he says god really doesn't care for him and so when god is ready to speak to him he should just do that. i am concerned about his choices now. he is home for the summer and working 6 days a week 10- 12 hours a day. he has alway been a hard worker. over the past three years he has gone from a somewhat focused person in college to dropping classes and acquiring medical bills ( hes paying for them), traffic tickets and his friends have bad reputations involving drugs and even arrests for drugs. he thinkds he is finally cool and no longer a dork. I want to reach his heart and I believe I do have part of it but not enough. his gradnparents, aunts uncles and cousins are so concerned for him and really none of us know what to say or do beyond this point. i just am not sure about what to say if anything. I need some help, what do you recommend? if you can help thank you,
K_____
Hi K___: I will be brief but this will give you a start. First, this is more about your relationship with Christ than your relationship with your son. Do you realize that? In fact he is going to need someone who has a deep relationship with Christ in order to help him when he reaches the bottom, if that indeed is the path that he chooses. Lamentations chapters 1 through 3 give a vivid account of what might happen and what must happen in order for us to begin walking in the right direction. I recommend reading this section of Scripture from several different versions, and slowly. Next, Lamentations 3 is excellent...it is because of God's mercies that we are not consumed. His Compassions fail not. They are new and fresh every morning." K___, has your son experienced this from you or your husband? Psm 103 says that God has compassion upon us like a father who has pities his son; he doesn't deal with us according to our sins..." This is where to start. Now I know that there is a fine line to walk between enabling sin and showing mercy. Your oldest is old enough to be on his own which might be a good idea. The rules should be simple. If you break the law or act immoral then you need to find your own place to live. This of course needs to be with the utmost gentleness. The problem is that you really need time to try empty some of the past reservoir of pain in his life before he is out on his own. So I recommend that you and your husband focus first on emptying the reservoir. Reservoirs of pain are emptied by forgiveness, mercy, grace, love, acts of kindness, compassion, and above all, humility. Don't focus on his words, if he chooses to fight back with offensive language. This may be his only defense. Let this go. Focus on the hurting heart. Did you receive the last newsletter? If so, did you read the section of the 4 styles of parenting and the Core Needs with the circle illustration? This will help. You and your husband need to read Families Where Grace is in Place, Age of Opportunity, Let Go, the audio The Strong Willed Parent and the 4 Styles of Parenting. This is a beginning. You have enough to do for a few days at least. Once you've at least read the Scriptures, I will look forward to hearing from you again.
Mark Hamby
President Cornerstone Family Ministries & Lamplighter Publishing
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