High Risk?
Bro. Mark:
I have been a customer of yours for several years and enjoy your books and lectures. I've been listening to some of your lectures and find myself in a similar situation that you were in with your son and the Porsche.
My son is 23 years old, married, a Christian, faithful to church, and we enjoy a pretty good relationship, with one exception. Against my wishes and advice, he rides bulls. He does this semi-professionally and is, I am told, very good at it. I have advised him against it due to the fact it is dangerous and he now has a wife and is purchasing a home, which, by the way, is financed via a second mortgage on my home.
Since he has been riding, he has had to have stitches put in his head and, he had a compound fracture in his arm. He was unable to work and lost his job. He was able to keep up his payments though. I was able to help him find a new job a few weeks ago. The job pays well and offers a full benefit package. He likes the job.
My position is that it is foolish for him to continue to ride bulls due to the risk of injury, not to mention the fact my credit is potentially on the line. What would you advise my brother? Should I make him get his own financing? I've never been to watch him in a bull ride and I think he wants me to, but I believe that would be putting my stamp of approval on it. God made bulls to eat, not ride.
Dear Concerned Dad:
This seems quite simple. There are two issues: First you should by all means go and watch your son ride bulls. I didn't want my son to get a motorcycle. I could have told him he couldn't park it at the my house. He knew how I felt about motorcycles but he also knew how much more I felt about him. He eventually got in a motorcycle accident, broke his arm and was thrown quite a distance. He no longer rides motorcycles. Yes, this could have been far worse, but we can't make choices for our children when they are adults. As long as he knows that you are coming to support him and not the bull riding, you are not placing your stamp of approval on his choices.
Concerning the finances--you should share with him your concern about the personal loss that could come from him being disabled. You can approach this two ways--first by asking him to have both a disability policy and term life insurance that would cover you in the event that something happened. The other choice is to let him know that you need to change the financing so that in the event he becomes disabled, you are not paying for a second mortgage. I think that the first option is better because you already agreed to do the mortgage to help him. For example: if he wasn't bull riding but had become disabled, it appears that you were already prepared to stand behind your son and cover him in the event something were to happen to him. Thus you would have been responsible for the mortgage anyway. The more I think about this, the more it appears that this isn't about bull riding as much as it is about protecting your finances. And this is not a bad thing but this should have been taken into account before you signed for the refinancing. Now if I am going to place myself in your shoes, I think that I would share this with my son and see if he would like to share a disability and term policy with me. If not, I would take the policy out myself to protect my interests if the amount of the loan was substantial. The loans I signed for Jonathan were always within my means to pay them off, if in the event something happened. When I signed for the Porche and he needed help, this was a turning point in our relationship.
You may need to call me to go over this, since emails sometime don't communicate heart. If I'm not available, leave your number and the time I can reach you.
I wonder what Jesus would do?
Mark
Recommended Resources:
(click on a title to see description)
Subject: Help
Dialogue continued:
Good morning Mark. Thanks for your candid advice. In all honesty and before God, it really is not about my finances. It would be tough, but I could handle the extra costs for a while, if necessary. My son knew of my disapproval of the activity when he asked me to help him. He did not disclose to me at the time that he was bull riding - if he had, I don't think I would have helped with financing. Certainly, my finances are part of the equation - I still have 3 daughters and a wife at home who depend on me for support, thus his activity puts their well being at risk as well.
What concerns me is the fact that I believe his bull riding is irresponsible, due to the fact it is a dangerous and unnecessary risk he is taking - putting his own finances and wife at risk, not to mention future children. The bull riding does not produce anything of worth - its pure entertainment. If he was breaking horses - "bronco-busting" or roping cattle in competition, etc., I honestly would not have any problem. That is God's design, horses were made to ride, cattle need to be roped and branded, etc. Bulls were obviously not designed by God to ride - they were made to eat and to produce more cattle. That is my perspective on the issue - its a foolish and unproductive activity. A waste of time and resources that could be used to glorify God.
What would Jesus do? If I knew the answer to that, I'd have more peace about it. I will take your counsel into consideration and I truly do appreciate you taking the time to respond my brother.
Dear Concerned Dad:
It doesn't matter whether your son's activity is of worth in your eyes. It simply doesn't matter. What matters is that he knows that you support "him." The poor choices he makes are the opportunities for his father to show him grace, mercy, and love. This is no different than sky diving and this list could go on and on. There are probably several hobbies that he could get involved in that you wouldn't approve. These are his decisions not yours. Since you didn't know about the bull riding before you refinanced your house, again, the insurance route might be the best option. This helps you maintain your relationship with your son and provides security. If the financial security is not that important of an issue, then you need to stop trying to control your son. Whether bull riding is responsible or not, is not the issue. He is an independent man that needs to learn about responsibility through the wise and unwise decisions of life. If you do decide to undo the financing, you need to demonstrate that this is not punitive--otherwise you will harm your relationship with him and your daughter-n-law. Your son does not consider his bull riding as irresponsible. If he did he probably wouldn't be riding. Hopefully and prayerfully, he will learn before he gets seriously hurt. But this decision needs to be between him and his wife. All of your reasons listed below are a clear indication of a controlling father not willing to let his son make mistakes. Again, I wish we could be talking on the phone. If you could hear my voice you would hear my heart. Sometimes when we are too close to the trees we can't see the forest. Trust me, you are too close to discern what is best for your son right now. I find it interesting that your concern is about your son riding bulls. The last father who emailed and called me was about his son kicking his father in the ribs and breaking three of them. Another was about his 19 year old son raping his 11 year old daughter. Another was about his son drinking and taking drugs. And the list goes on. Bull riding? I believe that these other parents would be delighted if their sons were bull riding rather than lives that they are now living. Perspective!
Mark
