I am Speechless...
Mark,
Last week after meeting with my counselor .....the drive home I usually just fall asleep ...and by the time we get home....I need some downtime..I know that sounds weird..but for me..downtime usually means alone time....so Thursday nights we get home about 12:30am and I go to the recliner in the den and pray, think and read....this is what I got from God..had to be him...because I could not understand until I spoke to my counselor about it...for a while..since meeting with him....I really did not like going...but there was something in me that wanted to be there...I could not figure it out.....in this other book it talks about safe places and people..in that when we find these people and places ..memories, and the ability to open up and tell our story is found...I realized with the help of God and others that what I am feeling, when in counseling , is safety....and a trusting and loving enviroment...you know what the sick part is..?..I had to ask to understand what it was that I was feeling ....I literally asked him.."Is what I am feeling, when I am there, safety?"....He said when you have never known unconditional love, acceptance and trust. the feeling is strange and very uncomfortable..and, he added, which is why you have had such a hard time being here...(hey..how did he know that..??)..to know that feeling of trust and acceptance is upsetting ...to realize I have not ever known it before...and at the same time so unbelievably blessed to have been given it...and for it to have been shown to me and provided for me...here on earth...
After reading what you shared with me..about the abuse distorting our roles..learning to trust especially along with the risk...knowing there will be discouragement, shame and hurt.....the one thing that has bothered me most this week has been just this...I need to gain enough courage to share my story and for me...it is shameful, hurtful and extremely risky ...and now in a place I feel safe.....a risk of losing it....is a very real concept for me..
All of the other things you said about how abuse affects our dignity, our roles and how it all ties into the person that we have become, knowingly or not...oh my....this is the other issue..(are you sure you werent in the counseling session Thursday..or listening to my conversation with him Friday night?)....owning the responsibility of the mess I have made within my family because of my sins...when I was protecting myself, however not knowingly...you are right..it is twisted...
How is it that God put you somewhere...for me?...I am blown away....One thing I dont think I will ever understand..is His ways.....the lengths He will go to...it is a gift...
Thanks just doesn't cover it....looking forward to hearing from you...
