ISSUE # 11
[Table of Contents ]
Strong-Willed Parent
The Day Daddy Became a Sheperd
Idols of Desperation
Gethsemane
Scales of Justice
Modernatoin: The Parent of Pleasure
Send Ishmail Away
Song of Solomon
The Unseen Flowers
The Prayer of Jabez

Strong-Willed Parent

Recently, a good friend loaned me a book from the seventeenth century that was written by one of my favorite authors - Fenelon. As I began to read, I knew that I had once again found unsurpassed wisdom and insight for parents. On one page alone, I had found more wisdom than I had possessed in eighteen years of parenting. Allow me to give you a glimpse of this treasured advice from a wise old master.

"Never assume an austere posture, which always frightens children, and often arises from affectation and pedantry in those who govern; for children are generally too timid and bashful. You close their hearts from you by it, and make them withdraw their confidence, without which no good fruit can spring forth. Make yourself beloved by them, and they will be open with you; and they will not fear to let you see their faults. In order to succeed with them, be not too severe with behavior that is not disguised from you. Do not appear astonished or irritated at their bad dispositions; on the contrary, be compassionate to their weakness; generally, approachable confidence and sincerity are more useful to them, than to exercise a rigorous authority over them.
On the other hand authority will not fail to find its place, but you should begin by an open, kind, and familiar conduct, without meanness, which gives you the opportunity of seeing children act in their natural state, and of knowing their characters thoroughly. If after all, you should have reduced them by authority to observe all your rules, you would not have gained your end. Everything would become restrained formality, and perhaps hypocrisy. You would disgust them with that good, with a love of which you should alone seek to inspire them.

To win a child’s heart it is frequently necessary to tolerate things which ought to be corrected until the moment shall have arrived when the mind of the child will be in a state to profit by the correction. Never find fault with him in his first emotion, or in yours; if you do it in yours, he will perceive that you are governed by impatience, and not by reason and friendship. You will lose, without resource, your authority! If you reprimand him in his first emotion, his mind will not be sufficiently free to acknowledge his fault, to overcome his passions, and to feel the importance of your advice. It is even exposing the child to lose the respect he owes you. Show him always that you have command over yourself. Nothing will make him see it better than your patience. Do not tell the child his fault, without adding some means by which he may get better of it, which will encourage him to do so. For we should avoid the discouragement which arises from dry correction. And we should never tell him many at a time!

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The Day Daddy Became a Sheperd

 

One of my most memorable experiences as a shepherd was the day that my sheep followed me for the very first time. This event, however, didn’t take place overnight. For five years I hated my sheep and my sheep hated me! They ran from me, they stamped their feet at me, and they were an embarrassment to me. But they followed my seven year old daughter. They knew her voice and they ate out of the palm of her hand. But me? One look at me and they gave a loud bleating sound that sent shivers up my spine, especially when visitors were around.
To make matters worse, Rambo (that’s what we named him for obvious reasons) tried to kill me several times. You can be sure I didn’t take this lightly. Since strangulation didn’t work, there were several times that I had the scope on him, while aiming from my bedroom window. I often employed this method of using the scope on my rifle to check the sheep in the upper pasture. I found that when Rambo came into sight, my finger seemed to find its way to the trigger! No, I never did shoot him, but if I could do it again, I might just hold on to that trigger a little more firmly.. Now for all you animal activists, no letters!
One time in particular, Rambo stood
on his hide legs and "rammed" me square in the back. As I lay on the ground trying to catch my breath, I thought he had broken my back . I looked up to see the beast was standing above me, ready to finish me off! I quickly rolled and he missed me. But what happened next was the best part. Losing all sense of humanity, I was filled with anger and wrath (this was 10 years ago!), and I began to choke this beast. While I was actually trying to strangle him, my wife, protector of all who stand in my way, yelled down from the back porch, saying, "What on earth are you doing to that poor animal?" While breaking blood vessels in my eyes from this death grip, I retorted, "What does it look like I’m doing!?, I’m trying to kill him; he tried to kill me first!"
I think you have a pretty good pictures of my early days as a shepherd. My relationship with my sheep was a hate-hate relationship. I couldn’t wait to have some of them for dinner, but my daughter loved them so much that she threatened never to speak to me again if I touched one of her beloved sheep. So I was stuck. Little did I know that God would use my relationship with the sheep to teach me that I had a problem with anger, and that forceful control leads only to broken relationships.
It was 1994. I was as sick as a dog and, for the most part, on empty. I had been sick for thirteen years, and the possibility of going back to full-time ministry seemed unlikely. To make matters worse, Jonathan, my oldest son, had just told me that he hated me. Without realizing it, I had been treating him just like Rambo—controlling him with threats, anger, and forcefulness. One can only maintain that posture for so long until it turns around and "rams" you right in the back.
After several lambs had died due to the weather and my negligence, my daughter had informed me that, I wasn’t a good shepherd. My heart was pierced. God sure knows how to get our attention. So I really tried to care for the sheep. Then it happened. I had spent eight weeks in the barn during our third lambing season. About the sixth week, after sheering, de-worming, immunizing, and bottle feeding, I noticed that the ewes were behaving differently toward me. They were observing my movements, and were not as anxious around me. Now, picture this: there I was, sick beyond description, with no energy and little hope; but I was giving these sheep the best care I could give them. I often sat in the hay, reading the Psalms and praying aloud,
holding
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Idols of Desperation

What do you do when God refuses to answer your prayers? Refuses to deliver you from despairing trials? What happens when you cry out to Him but He is silent? “Where are you, God? Do you care? If you don't answer soon, I don't think I'll make it. Lord, I can't take this much longer!” We cry in desperation but there are no answers. We plunge ourselves into His Word but still, no answers. We share our burdens with others but there is no consolation. It is time to take things into our own hands! The result? Inevitable disaster.
Oh, when we will learn to wait? Wait upon the Lord and He shall bring it to pass. Wait upon the Lord and He shall renew your strength. Wait, I say wait upon the Lord. Easy to say and write about, but in the midst of conflict and despair, we just don't believe that we could possibly be rescued. Of all the trials of life, I believe the most difficult to bear is marital conflict. In death there is finality. With a wayward child, you still have each other to lean on. The most difficult trial that I have ever faced was related to my marriage. During this trial, I fasted and prayed, and prayed some more. I begged God for deliverance.
Actually, I was determined to twist God's arm until He answered me. Then, if that didn’t work, I’d get others to pray for me. Nothing worked. So what do you do when you're desperate? Almost anything. What I am about to share with you is one of the most significant lessons that I have ever learned. The lessons are so deep and so personal that I hesitate to share them in this newsletter but feel compelled to do so. It is quite amazing that I survived and even more amazing that my wife survived.
Deb and I had experienced two years of marital bliss after seventeen years of struggle. There was a significant change in our home. My wife had become my best friend and the past had become a distant dream. Then without notice, a variety of pressures caused us to become preoccupied with our own world of importance. Deb became preoccupied with the needs of the children and I became preoccupied with Deb. I wasn't willing to lose what I so desperately needed in my life -- a wife who would be there for me! A wife who would never become preoccupied with anyone or anything, so that my needs of affection, companionship, and intimacy would be met.
This is the beginning of sorrows. It is so difficult to recognize. Too often we are standing too close to the trees to see the forest. I am a passionate person, about everything! I long for true intimacy and real love. A love that reaches deep within my beloved's soul. When you sense that you are losing this intimacy, you take action. You pray for God to do whatever it takes, and He answers your prayer; but not in the way you expect. He begins to test you to see if your love is pure; and if it is, you begin to see God and not the failings of your spouse. That is how you know if love is authentic and true. You see God in every situation, and as He reveals the needs of your beloved, your own needs pale in comparison. I was convinced however, that this time it was not me who needed to change. After all, I was not the one out of balance with my time and affections. So this time, I had to wait upon the Lord for Deb to change. Yes, I actually thought this way!
But before you know it, the fissure deepens and becomes a crevice and then a canyon. The storm waters rage and you have lost control. What do you do now? Battle stations! Damage report! That doesn't work so you try to display the earnestness of your heart. You care deeply, but no response. Your spouse knows that you are really concerned for your own felt needs.
So you prove your love by tender affection -- but when there is no reciprocal response you lash out. You've had enough. This has got to change! You hold on to your ground this time and convince yourself that this is the only way for real change to take place. You must be firm; you can't cave in or genuine change won't take place.
Oh, how foolishly blind. You see, we had two years of marital bliss and I was now losing what I longed for and had. I feared going back to the loneliness, feared the lack of affection. It had felt so good. My dreams had been so realized. Maintaining this level of intimacy is so important to me. “Oh God, why? Why am I losing what I love so much?” Because He loves me and desires for me to love Him first.
You see, when you are afraid of losing something that you cherish so much, you reveal the inner sanctuary of your heart; for fear is the absence of love. Perfect love casts out all fear. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind. I had none of these. My power was control and subtle manipulation, my love was the love of self, and my mind was filled with distortions which led to a heart of bitterness. And you know what happens when bitterness sets in. It destroys.
I was afraid of losing something/someone that I claimed as mine. God has not given Debbie to me as someone to own, but as gift to be treasured to be given back to Him upon that great and wonderful day. When you own someone, you are less likely to give them up, especially if they are comfortably meeting your needs. I became afraid. Afraid of losing what I thought was love. A love which God knew had to die and be replaced with the love of Calvary. There is no fear in love; for perfect love casts out ALL fear.
So there I was, DESPERATELY fighting for my life. Did you hear that? My life! Not Deb's. That's what engages fear -- desperation; feeling that your trial is beyond hope. So you attempt to protect yourself through desperate methods. Desperation, however, leads to idolatry. Desperate people will stoop low for a fix. And little did I realize that I was dependent upon my wife to fulfill my needs. Without a perfect marriage I couldn't go on. I wouldn't go on. I speak on the family! How could I go on? You see, I had made my wife into my own personal idol. This realization is so significant! When our idols, those things/people in life that we count on to meet our needs, stop working, we become disillusioned and then bitter. We begin to act like the prophets of Baal as they began to injure themselves in order to get their gods to act. And if your gods refuse to cooperate, then you will look for a new god that will fulfill your needs. My wife had become my idol, my personal god. She was intended as a sacred gift but I turned her into an idol; a gift given to love, cherish, and protect; a gift for me to preserve for Him. I turned a gift into an idol and failed to see that she was ultimately His, and I was just a caretaker of this precious vessel. Oh, the wisdom of God.
It was no surprise that upon realizing this truth and expressing my sincere sorrow to Deb, that there was immediate reconciliation. She is now my gift. A gift on loan. And I am determined by God's grace to keep this gift unblemished, unharmed, and prepared to meet the one who loves her and gave Himself for her.

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Gethsemane

I believe that most, if not all Christians will enter their own personal Gethsemane at some point in their Christian lives. The Gethsemane experience is always a turning point in our lives, for good or evil. It is a place of severe temptation, anguish of spirit, emotional and physical trauma. Our entire being is affected. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus’ sweat was as great drops of blood. It was a severe test, but at the eleventh hour, His Father sent an angel to minister to Him and strengthen Him. (Luke 22:44)
It is important to note that Jesus did not want to experience Gethsemane alone. He asked His closest friends to pray for Him. He even took them with Him. What an important principle for us to learn and follow. When we are vulnerable and weak, we must not go to Gethsemane ALONE! We are called to bear one another’s burdens. Why do so many bear their burdens alone, hiding in the false protection of the darkness -- seclusion?

In moments of severe temptation and anguish of spirit, we need one another. Unfortunately, in a time when we need support the most, we believe the lie that no one can really understand or that we will be misunderstood. Oh my friend, do not fall prey to Satan’s deception. He knows what happens when we bear one another’s burdens. Remember what Israel learned while they were being defeated by the Amalekites. Moses himself could not defeat the enemies. However, through the supporting actions of his friends, they were able to overcome. A threefold cord is not easily broken (Eccl. 4:12).

As I travel across our land I see troubled marriages in epidemic proportions. Our Christian schools are filled with wounded single moms as teachers. Children from once solid homeschool families are hearing their daddies saying goodbye instead of tucking them in bed. Our children are the ones that hurt the most, ripped apart from the inside out. It is time that we became honest about our struggles, and then come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy to find grace to help in our time of need. And no matter what, no matter how great the pain, don’t give in, don’t give up, and don’t go through the pain alone. Hold on to God with all your might, cling to Him and the encouragement of others. He will deliver, but not until Gethsemane has fulfilled its purpose in your life.

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Scales of Justice

Defiant children can be broken to fear your rules, but their hearts may be far from you. It must be remembered that God did not reach our hearts through His judgment, but through His mercy and grace. His demonstration of love through His sacrifice was what drew us to Himself. His mercy far outweighed His judgment, for His mercy is to 1,000 generations, but his judgment is to the third and fourth. What disparity!

Parents who focus on faults and character flaws, will cultivate negative attitudes and resistant spirits in their children. Though I do believe that a child should be punished for purposeful disobedience, I find that they are often punished for character weaknesses that need our compassion, love, and mercy.

Too often we attempt to pull the weeds of their flawed character out of the garden, rather than sowing the seeds of kindness, gentleness, and encouragement. If we avoid weed pulling, we will soon begin to reap the fruit of our labors as the weeds are choked by the fruitful seeds of righteousness.
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Moderation: The Parent of Pleasure

Health and innocence are the true sources of enjoyment; but those who have had the misfortune to accustom themselves to violent pleasures lose all taste for those of a more moderate nature, and fatigue themselves in a restless pursuit, seeking after excessive gratifications.

Let us fear those great emotions of the mind which lead to weariness and disgust; but above all, they are to be feared for those children who never resist their feelings, and who are always seeking emotion. Let us give them a taste for simple things, to the end that simple amusements may content their palate. A simple walk through the woods or splashing in a stream brings contentment to the soul and appreciation for God’s beauty in a manner that extravagant amusements cannot. Moderation is the best sauce; it gives sufficient appetite, requires no high seasoning, and is a stranger to intemperance. As an ancient writer said, “Moderation is the parent of pleasure.” With this moderation, which produces health of body and mind, we can maintain an undisturbed and rational enjoyment.

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Send Ishmael Away

Can you imagine sending your very own son away, never to see him again? Why would God approve of such heart-wrenching actions?
Ishmael was Abraham’s son in the flesh. He represented Abraham’s attempt to fulfill God’s promise through his own efforts. Isaac, on the other hand, was the son of promise. Isaac represented total dependence upon God because both Abraham and Sarah were now past the age of child bearing. It is interesting that once Ishmael is born, God doesn’t speak to Abraham for approximately thirteen years. He reaffirms His promise that they will have a son, but is silent for thirteen years. Have you ever experienced God’s silence? During Abraham’s thirteen silent years, something quite frightening happened – he became impotent (Rom. 4:19-21). God had stripped Abraham of his self-sufficiency. He could no longer fulfill God’s promise of having children without God’s miraculous intervention. The relationship we desire with our spouse, the obedience and honor of our children, the changing of our character, the fulfillment of our dreams, are all totally dependent upon God, who knows exactly what is best for us.

As a young Christian I was very successful in ministry, especially as a communicator. Through thirteen years of a debilitating illness, God had reduced me to the point where I didn’t believe that I would ever be able to speak publicly again. Even though this time was very dark in my life, I possessed a flicker of hope that God would somehow turn this nightmare into something good for His glory and my benefit – and He did. Beyond my thoughts and desires, God has lifted me from despair and tribulation, and set my feet upon a rock. He has truly given me the desires of my heart and He will do the same for you. The darkness is a horrible place to be, but it is sometimes the only way to strip us of our self-sufficiency.

Thirteen years later, Abraham now dead (impotent), God spoke saying (Genesis 17:16) "And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her, yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.”
God will not leave you nor forsake you. He promises to fulfill His perfect and great work in your life. He promises to bless you and not to harm you. I know how painful the loneliness can be. God has a purpose. You can trust Him. Endure, and he will rescue you. Don’t lean on your own understanding, AND DON’T hold on to the Ishmaels in your life - send them away!

 

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Song of Solomon

One of the most passionate and beautiful songs ever written is the Song of Solomon. It is more accurately known as the Song of Songs, which is a more fitting title for this timeless epic. It is a love song that is intended to arouse emotions and provoke exquisite, anticipated delight. "Anticipate" is a key word for this ballad, though the word doesn’t actually appear in the text. "Lovesick," or "sick with love" is another key phrase, as well as the warning to "keep love in check until it please."

There are many themes woven through this song, but the greatest is "anticipated love." As I read and reread this masterpiece, my heart was touched by the delicate overtures, gestures and unashamed desires that the bridegroom and his bride had for each other prior to marriage. It sure brought back memories. As I ponder these beautiful images, such as: "sustain me...for I am sick with love," "his left hand is under my head and his right had doth embrace me," I am convinced that God is a romantic God. He created passion, love, and intimacy because it is a reflection of His character. His unselfish nature made it possible for us to enjoy the beauty of love. What beautiful imagery: "his left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me."

It should send shivers down your spine! Can you remember being sick with love, your heart trembling when the phone rang, or that long awaited arrival of your beloved?

Though this song may carry a double meaning, one thing is certain, it is the most unadulterated glimpse of God’s intended design for romantic love, both before and after the marriage ceremony. Allow me to explain what I mean by "before."
The third most repeated phrase in this song is the one I find most intriguing and meaningful, especially for our youth and adult culture today. It is found in 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4. "I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem...that ye stir not up, nor awaken love, till it please." The bride voices this warning three times. Each time this warning is announced, it is on the heels of the bride’s heightened passions. The bride knows how much she desires to be intimate with her beloved, but also is aware of the devastating dangers of unleashing these passions before their time. The bridegroom is also aware of the dangers, as seen in his request for her to turn her eyes away because of her overcoming beauty (6:5). Notice also to whom the warning is given—the daughters of Jerusalem. She is perfectly aware of the temptations, especially as they get closer to the wedding ceremony. Therefore she contends with these daughters as she determines to maintain her purity and keep her passions bridled. What a beautiful picture of anticipated intimacy that is neither naïve nor lustful. Intimate love is not hidden away or kept secret as if it were taboo, but anticipated with thoughtful delight yet with decisive defensive actions. And though these lovers are intimate on a verbal level, they maintain a healthy understanding that little foxes like to eat the buds on the vines that will rob them of future fruit. I cannot stress this enough. Couples need to understand that there is exquisite delight unmatched on this side of heaven, but only for those who "wait."

Oh, that our young people would see that the beauty of intimate love is so contrary to Hollywood’s distortions and unbridled passions. Satan offers a counterfeit for what is pure and holy. He is a master of disguise, and desires to rob you of exquisite delight. Oh, young person or single adult, "Stir not up, nor awaken love, till its time." DELIGHT yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."—more than you’ve ever dreamed!

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The Unseen Flowers

I ran into a stranger as he passed by
"Oh, excuse me, please," was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me, too;
I wasn't really watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told
How we treat our loved ones, young and old
Later that day, cooking the evening meal
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown
He walked away, his little heart broken
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake that night in bed
God's still small voice came to me and said
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use
But the children you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor
You'll find some flowers there by the door
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I was feeling very small
And then my tears began to fall
I quietly went and knelt by his bed.
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay
I love you anyway."
"Son, I love you too
And I do like the flowers, especially the blue.”

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The Prayer of Jabez

Recently a friend told me about a book entitled The Prayer of Jabez. He said that tens of thousands of Christians were experiencing answers to prayer. After reading the book myself, I too began praying the prayer of Jabez. For sixteen weeks since I have been praying the prayer of Jabez. The result? I have experienced more trials in the last sixteen weeks than in the last three years! Is it time to put the prayer of Jabez to rest? Not yet.
No one enjoys pain, but as healing is taking place, I am recognizing weaknesses in my life that could otherwise not have been detected. There is a dimension to spiritual growth that one cannot enter without pain. This was true for men and women of the Bible and throughout church history. I know of no one who is exempt from this painful process of growing into His likeness.
Let me introduce you to the prayer of Jabez and you can decide for yourself whether you dare enter these doors. There is not much said about Jabez in the Bible except that he was more honorable than his brothers. This fact is more important than the prayer itself, for it is a righteous man’s prayers that avails much. His name means "pain," and Jabez was so named because it is said that “his mother bore him in sorrow." Just what the sorrowful or painful circumstances were, we are not told. The only other information we have of this man is the record of his prayer in I Chronicles 4:10. "…and Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, ‘Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil, that it would not grieve me.’ So God granted his request."
There are several worthy considerations of Jabez’s prayer. Jabez desired God’s blessing upon his life, and with this blessing he desired that his territory be enlarged. One aspect of God’s blessing is his promise to be with us – never to leave us – thus enabling us to be successful. He is always there; you can count on Him! The enlarged borders may suggest prosperity, but I believe they more accurately depict a secure walk with God, protected from evil.
Psalm 18:36 says: “Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.”
Psalm 118:5 says: “I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place.”
In both Psalms, David is crying out to God because he knows how easy it is to fall. David’s total dependence upon God during times of duress was one of the reasons he was a man after God’s own heart.
The next part of Jabez’s prayer is most significant: "That Thine hand would be with me." Again, within the understanding of the Biblical blessing, Jabez knew that unless God held the very fabric of his life together, his pain would never be turned to joy. I love to compare this part of the verse with a parent holding an infant’s hands, with arms stretched upward, as he takes his first steps. And what does a baby do when he feels that he can walk on his own? He puts his arms down and runs, giggling all the way until – crash! In the same way, we need God to hold onto us every moment or – crash!
The next part of Jabez’s prayer is often mistranslated and misinterpreted:
"…that You would keep me from evil that it may not grieve me."
After careful examination I found the word “keep” is not in the Hebrew text, and should be translated "make" or "do", which would read:
"…that You would make/do me from evil…"
or "…that You would, from evil, make me…"

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