ISSUE 4 [Table of Contents] Grace-Full Parenting Healing for a Wounded Marriage, Part I Family Institute and Training Center Angry Parents Part IV Literature Review Teaching Ideas Let God's Creatures be the Teachers Exciting News! Cornerstone Family Ministries & G-Rated Online Places to Go, People to See Grace-Full Parenting     Several months ago, I came upon a profound, yet simple, truth that had, for some reason, remained hidden during my ten years of seminary studies. This hidden treasure was unearthed when I learned the root meaning for the word "GRACE" in both the Old and New Testaments. Traditionally, the word "GRACE" has been defined by the acronym: God's Riches At Christ's Expense. I learned this acronym when I first became a Christian but never realized that it didn't define "GRACE". In fact, this acronym teaches very little about "GRACE". The root meaning for grace in the Greek is the word for "attractiveness". This is where the idea of walking "gracefully" or "she graced the table with flowers" originated. The Greek word for "grace" is embedded in the idea of beauty and attractiveness. Grace therefore, is ATTRACTIVE! The Hebrew word, on the other hand, is surprisingly different. The root meaning in the Hebrew is the word for "acceptance". When both Old and New Testament meanings are placed together, the phrase "Attractive Acceptance” is formed. God's grace is both attractive and fully accepting. It was God's grace that drew us to Himself. We were attracted to God by His full acceptance of us, despite the condition of our lives. It is this same grace that we are to exercise as parents. And it is this same grace that must be demonstrated by Outstretched Arms. Outstretched arms is that position which is both attractive and fully accepting. It is the position in which a mother extends both her arms and her love to a child who has fallen and scraped his knee. Outstretched arms is also the position of crucifixion! Jesus said, "If I be lifted up (on the cross) I will draw (attract) all men unto Myself." Parenting that reaches the heart of our children must be rooted in the principles of the cross. Parenting with outstretched arms, especially when dealing with an unruly and undeserving child or teen, is the most effective method of reaching their heart. Especially when all the threats, yelling, and spankings have failed. If you decide to follow this Biblical approach to parenting, be forewarned. Grace-full parenting comes at a great expense. It cost God humiliation, persecution, betrayal, and the life of His only beloved Son. Why? So that He might demonstrate to us how far He was willing to go to draw us back. Remember, parenting with outstretched arms is the position of crucifixion. The question is: what are you willing to endure in order to reach the heart of your child? Recommended Reading: Families Where Grace is in Place, VanVonderen Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tripp The Triumphant Family (audio), Hamby Shepherding the Heart of a Child with Wisdom (audio), Hamby Age of Opportunity, Tripp ^ table of contents Healing for a Wounded Marriage, Part I Recently, I have received several phone calls concerning marriages that are ending in divorce. Some have discovered that their partner has been unfaithful. Others just can't cope with continual arguing, or perhaps verbal and emotional abuse are destructive influences upon the home. These are just a few of the circumstances that are causing marriages to end in divorce. I realize that what I am about to write will cause uneasiness for some. However, if this message of encouragement prevents divorce and saves a marriage, it will be worth it! I have found that in most cases, divorce is just an easy way to end the misery and discomfort that churns our stomachs and shreds the fibers of our emotions. The question that we must ask ourselves is, "How long are we willing to suffer?” Six months? One year? Five years? Twenty years? Is God in control? Is He the same God who parted the Red Sea? Is He the same God who healed the sick, raised the dead and forgave sin? Is He the same God who allowed Joseph to be imprisoned for many years? Too often, we focus on our circumstances, which causes us to flee from the sovereign plan of God. Our marriage partners are instruments in God's hand to help change us into the likeness of His dear Son. But because we don't like to experience pain, we thwart God's plan and begin to devise our own, as we chart a new course for our lives. The pain is removed, and we now can get on with our lives and begin putting the pieces of our lives back together. There is only one problem with this choice. GOD HATES DIVORCE! (Malachi 2:16) The fact that God HATES something needs to take root in our hearts so that the seeds of faith and trust might begin to grow and develop. Some of you may feel abandoned by your own family. Some may even feel abandoned by God Himself. But remember, though they intended it for evil, God always intends it for good! You see, if you would be reminded of the life of Joseph, (Gen. 38-50) who was sold into slavery by his own family, I believe you will begin to understand and trust the sovereign plan of God for your life. Have you been sold into slavery by a family member? Have you been falsely accused or misunderstood? Have you been trying to live a godly life, yet circumstances seem insurmountable? Have you had enough? Let me encourage you, God, who is faithful, will do exceedingly abundantly above all that you could ask or think! Jeremiah 29:11-13 promises, "These are the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a hopeful end. Then you shall call unto Me, and you shall go and pray unto Me, and you shall seek Me, and find Me, when you shall search for Me with all your heart." Is God always aware of your trial? Without question! Will there come a day when you will be able to say that God intended this for good? Yes indeed! So don't give up; don't despair, for our God is an awesome God! Is there anything too difficult for the Lord? On the contrary! Our trial is God's platform upon which to perform His greatest work! So, my friend, are you willing to lie still as The Great Physician, who sees in us what we cannot see, begins to cut away that which we are most reluctant to give up? Remember, pain is only felt where there is life, and where there is life is just the place where death is needed most (Fenelon). Please do not flee from this most needed surgery. Immerse yourself in His Word, particularly in the Psalms. Weep upon your bed in prayer and cry out to Him. He will answer you and show you great and mighty things that you know not. So, let's review. 1) God HATES divorce. 2) Your conflict is God's platform upon which to perform His greatest and most necessary work in your life. 3) Real and lasting change will only occur in a life of brokenness and sacrifice. Marriage can be a platform for God's greatest work, but unless we are willing to trust Him, we will never reap the benefits of the trial. Husbands, love your wives and give yourselves sacrificially, as Christ gave Himself for you. Wives, submit to and reverence your husbands as an act of faith. And remember, without faith, it is impossible to please God. I believe that in the majority of marriages, if one partner would approach the relationship as an act of faithful obedience to God, regardless of the response of their spouse, the relationship would begin to blossom. Hearts would be mended, and our children would grow in the secure and godly environment that they deserve. Does this mean that you should live quietly under the oppression of physical and emotional abuse? God forbid! God has placed a system of checks and balances for our protection. First, there are laws which are intended to protect the innocent and prevent physical harm. Secondly, God has given us church leaders to be guides and counselors. The first step in healing a wounded marriage is being willing to seek help. Don’t give up! Recommended Reading: The Triumphant Family, Hamby (audio) The Divorce Myth, Laney Me? Obey Him?, Elisabeth Elliot (audio) Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, Weber (book or audio) ^ table of contents Family Institute and Training Center In 1998, Cornerstone Family Ministries purchased a two acre parcel of land which may be the entrance to our future Family Training Institute. Adjoining our two acres are over one-hundred-fifteen acres of woods and horse trails that border a beautiful lake, which is presently for sale. For those who are unaware of our plans, allow me to briefly explain. It is our desire to begin a Training Center for youth, parents, pastors, and teachers which fosters an apprentice-style approach to cultivating God-given skills in music, art, drama, and craftsmanship. Working in an environment with skilled teachers, spiritually mature mentors, and a serious work ethic, youth and adults will have the opportunity to improve their skills for the purpose of advancing the gospel. Young people and adults who reach a level of skillfulness will not only be preparing for their livelihood, but will also be invited to participate in revival/evangelistic crusades in local churches at home and on the mission field abroad. Other services will be Teacher Training, Family Seminars, Survival and Character Training for Youth (advanced ropes courses), Nature seminars, and optional field trips, including Mt. Mohonk, the Hudson River Valley, and the extraordinary drama production of Noah in Lancaster, PA. Your prayers are greatly needed in this monumental endeavor. Presently there are foundations that have considered contributing financially but not until the land has been purchased and the buildings have been built. Therefore, until God raises up the individuals of His choosing to help us purchase the 115 acres, we will continue to wait on the Lord with anticipation. Once the land has been secured, Phase II will begin. This will involve raising the finances for materials. Students and adults who have enrolled in the vocational training program will then be selected to build the Conference Center which will overlook the lake. Upon completion of the Conference Center, our Family Seminars and Youth Training Program will begin. Please pray, and if God leads you to pass this information to someone who is financially capable of supporting this work, or if you would like to contribute, please contact us. Requesting financial assistance is not the norm for me. I am constantly receiving mail requesting financial help for one project or another, and frankly, it can get tiresome. But I believe that God has entrusted a select few that can assist ministry endeavors such as this, that can make a significant impact upon families for Jesus Christ. Two years ago I started Lamplighter Publishing in hopes that we would never have to ask for money for the Training Center. I believe that in five years, we will indeed be able to support such a ministry. However, the world continues to influence Christians, parents are ill-equipped to parent effectively, marriages are deteriorating, children have cultivated few, if any, skills for their livelihood, and only a handful are serving the Lord with confidence, humility, and skillfulness. I believe God would be honored and glorified if this changed. In His Service, Mark Hamby ^ table of contents Angry Parents Part IV It was my intention to finish this topic with this issue, but further study has led to the following: In our previous discussion, we noted that righteous anger has as its goal, to stop sin and restore righteousness. Unrighteous anger, on the other hand, is rooted solely on the preservation of self-centered and perceived rights. What else is anger but an impulsive response to the experience of being deprived? "Deprived from what?" you might ask. Deprived from the way in which you want your world to turn. Deprived from the relationship that you have longed for with your spouse. Deprived from the obedience of your children. Deprived from an intimate relationship with your Savior. The more we feel deprived, the more pressure we exert upon others until our felt needs are met. The more pressure we exert, the more we drive a wedge between ourselves and those we love. Deprivation of our desires can also lead to a host of inner turmoil; particularly anger, depression and physical illness. Proverbs 13:12 states that hope deferred makes the heart sick. Whenever perceived rights have been violated, especially by those we love, our fight or flight response is triggered. We either begin to sulk, or we become outraged. Unfortunately, both reactions keep us shackled and blind to the root cause of our anger. It has been said that anger is a response (reaction) to fear, frustration or hurt. In such cases, anger is a natural response. Natural as this may be, however, we must ask ourselves if our anger is rooted in self-centeredness, or is it truly a response against sinful behavior with the goal of restoration. Allow me to illustrate: Just before dinner, I asked my sixteen-year-old son to get the mail. He looked at me and said, "No, it is almost time to eat." Since we had guests at our house I decided to get it myself and deal with his disobedience later. Inwardly, I was furious! Later, I calmly asked him why he disobeyed. He replied, "Dad, I felt that you were just trying to control and dominate for no good apparent reason." I didn't say anything at that moment, and thought it best to consider his accusation. Is this just an excuse for laziness and disobedience, or is God using one of my children to reveal a blind spot in my life? So, I proceeded to ask my wife how she would have responded to our son's blatant disobedience. I knew she would give me the answer I was looking for. Surely judgment and condemnation would soon be pronounced! To my dismay, she said, "He wouldn't have disobeyed me." Piercing me straight through the heart, I knew she was right. Why is my oldest son more willing to obey his mom than his dad? The answer is quite simple. I have reaped the consequences of years of unconscious self-centered parenting, wanting what's best for my children but forcing them to obey by rules and punishment. It is the type of parenting where control and domination are the rule rather than the exception. You see, if we are reaping the sour fruits of disobedient children, it is now time to look in the mirror and first ask God if we are partly to blame. Is it possible that we have been unconsciously provoking our children to wrath? The scene at the dinner table could have turned ugly, but praise the Lord for His faithfulness--He opened my eyes! Does it hurt to have your eyes opened? Yes indeed! It is very humiliating, but one of the greatest measures of spiritual growth is whether we accept our “humiliation quietly”. So what should you do when your hopes, your dreams, and your relationships are dashed against the rocky ledges of life? First, ask God to give you an understanding heart. Seek first to understand before you are understood. Next, focus not on the conflict, but upon the self-revealing lessons derived from it. You must accept the fact that conflict has been allowed by a sovereign God for your benefit, just as He did with Joseph, David and Ruth. As you begin to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you will cultivate a thankful heart, even for the conflict. This thankful heart will lead to genuine humility, thus allowing God to lift you up. Soon, your self-centeredness and perceived rights will become lost in your love and devotion to others, as you follow the life-changing principles in Philippians chapter 2. Victory over anger doesn’t happen overnight. Tackling one’s anger is a process whereby each of us begins to recognize, repent and restore. We must make a conscious effort to admit wrong and display a determined effort, BY GOD'S GRACE, to LET GO, and begin to serve others rather than ourselves. Let us endeavor to squelch these sinful patterns that so devastate our lives and our families. When anger surfaces, let it be a reminder that God has allowed these circumstances to help us to see ourselves. Recommended Reading: Families Where Grace is in Place, VonVonderen Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships, (Audio) Mark Hamby Tell Me the Promises, Joni Eareckson Tada Literature Reviews “ Be transformed through the renewing of your mind.” I’ll Be With You Always, Joni Eareckson Tada Joni Eareckson Tada never ceases to amaze me. Her former books, Tell Me the Promises and Tell Me the Truth are two of my favorite devotional books for my children. If you don’t have them, you are really missing out on a very powerful devotional tool. Joni’s newest book may be the best one! I’ll Be With You Always is filled with exquisite artwork that takes parents and children through unforgettable lessons of unconditional commitment. Teaching Ideas Standing at the top of the stairs with your children at the bottom, tell them that you will take them for ice cream if they can figure out how to get upstairs without touching the steps or the railing. They may not use props. Avoiding frustration, give them hints until they finally ask you to come down so they can get on your back for the ride up. Then sit down with them and explain that this is similar to the way one gets to heaven; that Jesus had to come down to first die for our sins, and that only those who believe can be saved. Continue to explain that Jesus didn't stay dead, but He rose again! And for those who believe will He also carry up to Heaven! This idea came from Focus on the Family's newest Family Devotional series entitled, Family Night Tool Chest. Presently there are six volumes, each presenting a different theme. Volume 1 focuses on family devotional activities, while Volume 2 is devoted to money management. Volumes 3 and 4 focus on character training and wisdom/skill development. If you are a teacher, whether homeschool, Christian school, or Sunday School, you will find these materials to be a rich blessing of Scripturally-based ideas and activities. As with all our recommendations, we guarantee complete satisfaction. ^ table of contents Let God’s Creatures Be the Teachers The Potter and the Clay “The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah saying, “Arise, go down to the potter’s house and there I will cause thee to hear my words.” I find it interesting that when God wanted his message to come through loud and clear, He chose a sensory approach to education. The student was either touching, tasting, seeing or hearing the message of God. In fact, the very first classroom was a garden filled with innumerable lessons of life. Why then, does so much of our educational practice follow a lecture, sit down, fold your hands and stay confined to the four walls of a building approach to learning? The purpose of this fourth excerpt of “Let God’s Creatures Be the Teachers” is to help you communicate two important ideas: I have enclosed directions to help you make your own clay. (You may also obtain clay at a hobby shop). There are other recipes, but this one is simple. Several types of vessels can be made, but I would suggest an oil lamp or a candle holder. You may use my illustration, or follow the pattern of an item in your home. A candle holder might be easiest. During the process of molding, explain how God is molding and shaping our lives. The use of clay is significant because that is what God used to form Adam (Genesis 2:7). Jeremiah 18:1-6 portrays an illustrative scene of the potter and his clay. It was at the potter’s house that God would reveal His word. As the clay was spinning in the hands of the potter, Jeremiah would see first hand, a vessel which could not be completed because of the resistance of the clay. Though the text doesn’t explain why the clay was marred, we do know that marred clay is usually the result of a stone or foreign material embedded in the clay. In this event, the clay is reshaped into another vessel. In the same manner, we must be sure that foreign objects (sin) do not prevent God from fashioning us into that beautiful vessel of His desire. God does indeed desire to use us as finely fashioned vessels, to be a source of light to those in darkness and service on behalf of our brothers and sisters in Christ. My recommendation would be to mold a candle holder or lampstand as a reminder of their commitment to remain a fit vessel for the Master’s use. Sand and Cornstarch Modeling Dough* 1 cup sand 1 tsp. powdered alum ½ cup cornstarch ¾ cup hot water food coloring (optional) Mix sand, cornstarch, and alum. Add hot water, stirring vigor-ously until well mixed. Add food coloring, if desired, and blend. Cook over medium heat until thick, stirring constantly. Makes 2 cups. When sufficiently cooled, mold as desired. Dry in the sunshine for several days. This modeling dough is grainy and stone-like; it can be used to make interesting sculptures. It does not need shellac or varnish to protect it. Store leftover dough in an air-tight container. Recommended Video: The Potter and The Clay Produced by Passion Play Ministries ^ table of contents Exciting News! Recently, we discovered the author's identity of the popular book, The Basket of Flowers. Born in Germany, Johann Christoph Von Schmidt wrote not only The Basket of Flowers, but also FIFTY other books. We have found twelve thus far, three of which are being edited. Nine books still need to be translated from German to English. This is a monumental task, but as you know from the content of The Basket of Flowers, the result will be life changing. I have read two of them and have found them to be of the same depth as The Basket of Flowers. In fact, they may even be better! Please pray that God will enable us to obtain the financial assistance to be able to reprint these books before Christmas. ^ table of contents Cornerstone Family Ministries and Rated-G Online A partnership to fight Internet Pornography This partnership will provide Pornography Filtered Internet Service and at the same time will financially support Cornerstone Family Ministries and Lamplighter Publishing Unlike other Internet protecting devices, Rated-G is a complete access to the ‘net which filters pornography, violence, crude humor, substance abuse, hate crime activity and other forms of sinful exposure. Rated-G is a Christian company that filters by on-site examiners, NOT just by key-word exclusion. Recently, while searching for Christian literature, I was overwhelmed with the listings of pornography. Praise the Lord, my family will now be able to search the web without these destructive influences. Please consider this most needed protection. These destructive influences are just too prevalent in the web. If you are interested in ordering or learning more about this service, call 1-888-711-6381, extension 559 or www.ratedg.com. Make sure you use extension 559! ^ table of contents Places to Go, People to See If you are visiting the west coast, travel Highway #1 from Los Angeles to Montery and enjoy one of the most beautiful seascapes in the world. Then stop at Sea World in Monterey. Be sure to fill your tank before you start! If you are traveling on the east coast, especially in September, you must experience the beauty of Winterharbor Maine, particularly Grindstone Point and The Acadia National Park. Families often see Bar Harbor, but miss the natural beauty that is found on the other side. If you do go to Bar Harbour, drive up Cadillac Mountain and be prepared to stand in awe! If you would like to be informed about the culture of ancient Israel, I heartily recommend NEOT Kedumim - the Biblical Landscape Reserve in Israel. To receive their newsletter, write to: Friends of Neot Kedumim, Steinfeld Road, Halcott Center, NY 12430, Ph: (914) 254-5031, e-mail: afnk@catskill.net, www.neot-kedumim.org.il ^ table of contents