ISSUE 7
[Table of Contents]

Let God's Creatures Be The Teachers
Healing for a Wounded Marriage, Part III
Liar, Liar, Your Pants Are On Fire
Mentoring Boys
Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships
The Angry Parent

The Rock
Throughout the past two millennia there has been controversy over the interpretation of Jesus’ statement, "...upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it." The controversy has been divided into three camps. The first view is that Peter is the rock, and therefore the church would be built upon him. The second is the position that the rock refers to the truth to which Peter testified when he claimed that Jesus was the Son of the living God. The third is that the rock is Jesus. I would propose to you that the rock refers to none of the above.

In Ray Vander Laan’s That the World May Know Bible video curriculum, he proposes that the rock is a literal rock that is found in Caeserea Philippi. Notice the context of Matthew 16. The narrator specifically makes it a point to identify the geographical region - Caesarea Philippi. In the district of Caeserea Philippi, there exists an enormous rock that has a cave at its base. The cave, even to this day, is known as the Gates of Hell. In the walls of this rock are carved sections of stone that served as altars for their gods. Baal was one god in particular that was worshipped in this rock. Every winter worshippers removed him from the rock and carried him into the deepest part of the cave. It was believed that Baal would then fight the demons of the underworld (hell) and if victorious, the land would be fertile and crops would grow. This was especially significant because Baal was the god of fertility. Once they found their god in the cave at the end of winter, they would claim him to be "alive and well," though made of stone or wood! Baal would then be placed back on his altar in the rock, where the worship ceremonies would begin for another year.

When Jesus entered the district of Caeserea Philippi, He was telling His disciples that He was going to build His church upon the dead gods of this world. The "gates of hell" that He was referring to was in reference to the belief that the gates of hell were located at the base of this particular rock. The meaning that He was trying to convey was that even the gates of hell could not prevent or keep the church from replacing the current religious system. Keep in mind that "gates" do not attack but act as a defensive wall to keep people out. Jesus was declaring that the newly-formed church would attack the gates of hell and destroy the religious systems of the world. In fact, the church would be built right upon the dead gods of this world, replacing their belief system with the new and "Living God". Thus Peter’s response, "Thou are the Christ, the Son of the Living God."

Recommended Reading:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Dr. Ted Tripp

Let God's Creatures Be The Teachers, Mark Hamby, (audio)

The Strong-Willed Parent, Mark Hamby, (audio)

^ table of contents

Recently at a conference, a woman approached me and shared that the first article of this series was instrumental in changing her mind about leaving her husband. Another woman wrote of the years of torment that she had endured as a result of an adulterous husband and absentee father. She explained how God had miraculously saved her husband and now, seven years later, he is fulfilling his responsibilities as husband and dad; and his little boy just adores his dad. She concluded by declaring that if her marriage can be restored, anybody’s can!

At times it is so difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel - especially when we become blinded and disillusioned with a bitter and wounded heart. Our hurt becomes more than we can bear because we feel betrayed. One of the reasons we become so overwhelmed is because we misunderstand our biblical roles as husband and wife. In this series I would like to focus on the first of seven steps to biblical womanhood.

A will to obey–The word obedience is closely connected to the idea of submission which comes from the Greek word hupoballo. It means to "place under." This idea can be viewed in a negative light if viewed apart from our God-given roles. The purpose of placing oneself under is not to be stepped on, but to place oneself under in order to lift up. Wives who see their purpose as a helper to her husband (helping to make him successful), recognize that her husband comes first before her children. Often times, a child-centered home will breed conflict and bear bitter fruit later in life.

When God created Eve from Adam’s rib, he made Adam incomplete. Adam would forever sense the missing part to his life that could only be found in Eve; for Eve was fashioned from his rib. It is essential for women to realize that a man truly senses his incompleteness and is incomplete without her love and companionship. Even men who are called by God to be single need a woman’s help and friendship. Men respond when a woman fulfills her God-given role as completer. She is the completion of man. That is a beautiful picture. A help, meet for him, should be seen in the framework of a woman’s desire to place herself under in order to lift up. In doing this, she will receive the blessing that God gives when the role of biblical womanhood is fulfilled.

Proverbs 31 states that "she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Regardless of a man’s failure to fulfill his responsibilities (except for abuse), a wife must obey God and fulfill her role by faith. In God’s timing, a faith-full woman will reap the blessings promised by a faithful God: namely, children who will rise and call her blessed, and a husband who will have no need of gain (Prov. 31:11). Now that is beautiful!

Recommended Reading:

The Divorce Myth, Laney

Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, Weber (book or audio)

The Triumphant Family, Mark Hamby (audio)

^ table of contents

We all have lied about something at some time in our lives. The Bible states that children come forth from the womb speaking lies (Psalm 58:3). Why then are we surprised when we catch our children in a lie? While children need to understand that there are consequences for lying, we as parents must respond with insight and wisdom. Strictness and threats might suppress and deter a lying spirit but this kind of controlling influence will not change the heart. We must first understand two root causes for lying:

1. Insecurity

2. Fear of consequences

The approach we use to correct the sin of lying with our children can determine whether we actually exacerbate the problem or help bring victory. Lying is a condition of the heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. When lying occurs, we must not respond with an emotional or angry response. If we do, then perhaps we are really more concerned with our own image. Righteous discipline never acts to condemn but to offer help.

There are five examples of lying in the Bible that may help us to realize that lying occurs even among the godliest of God’s people.

Abraham lied to Pharoah concerning Sarah’s true identity—
the cause: INSECURITY.

Moses lied after killing the Egyptian— the cause: FEAR.

Jacob lied about his identity to his father— the cause: INSECURITY.

David lied to the priest while fleeing from Saul— the cause: FEAR.

Peter lied about his identity— the cause: INSECURITY AND FEAR.

As you can see, five of our most esteemed Bible characters had a problem with lying. Did they overcome this problem? Indeed! Did their lying have serious consequences? Indeed! Abraham was rebuked by Pharoah for showing little regard for the protection of his wife. Moses lost the trust of the children of Israel when caught in his lie. Jacob lost the favor of his father, caused great hostility between himself and his brother and was exiled from home for over twenty years. David’s lie resulted in the death of an entire family of priests (I Samuel 22). Peter, of course, suffered the greatest humility when he lied. He denied the Lord of glory and the Scripture says, "At that time the Lord turned and looked toward Peter" (Luke 22:61).

These biblical illustrations of lying can help us to teach our children that there are consequences to lying. Speaking to our children in love and tenderness will begin the restoration process. Children who lie habitually need our help and understanding, not our condemnation. They are obviously insecure or fearful, and lack the confidence needed to replace lying with truth. This is where an understanding parent must talk tenderly to the child. The child must begin to learn from the examples of the Bible that lying does lead to grave consequences, and that speaking the truth always has its rewards.

^ table of contents

Mentoring Boys

Young boys need to be preparing for marriage as early as kindergarten! At an early age our boys must see themselves as the protectors of a damsel in distress. They should be encouraged to be the first to run and pick up a girl’s dropped books. They should make a special effort to open the door for ladies upon entering and exiting a building. Our boys need to go against the culture and see that girls are the most special blossom in the world and come to appreciate their beauty as one does a flower. Our boys should be in prayer for the little girl that will someday be his wife and completer. At an early age he needs to know that God removed Adam’s rib for a reason. Understanding that his missing rib represents a missing part to his life will enable him to appreciate the qualities that will be only found in his future wife.

Our boys must learn that the first year of marriage is so, so important. That is why God commanded that a young man who had taken a wife be not charged with any business, or go to war, but to be free at home for one year, and bring happiness to his wife (Deut. 24). One year at home? Yes! I believe that this passage is teaching that a young man should not take on anything extra during his first year of marriage. He should be financially secure with a stable job. Since financial stress is one of the most damaging conflicts in a young marriage, our boys need to understand the importance of hard work and savings before they even consider marriage. Proverbs 24:27 teaches that we are to prepare our fields first and then build our house. The wisdom that this verse offers a young man will lay a foundation both for his career and his marriage.

Lastly, it is crucial that our boys learn the Amnon principle. In I Samuel 13, Absalom’s sister Tamar was loved deeply by his step brother Amnon. His love for her was so great that he thought he could not live another day without her. Unfortunately, his lust was greater than his love and he lost both her and his life; and Tamar lost her purity and honor. Our boys need to understand that when they engage in a physical relationship prior to marriage, they actually damage and may even destroy any future relationship with the one they love. Today there are many marriages shipwrecked upon the guilt of an improper relationship prior to marriage. God’s design cannot be violated without consequences. May the lesson learned from Amnon not be easily forgotten.

Recommended Reading:

Families Where Grace is in Place, VonVonderen

Tell Me the Promises, Joni Eareckson Tada

^ table of contents

In the very beginning of Jacob’s life, he was faced with parental conflicts that caused serious harm to his self-esteem and personal security. He was the second-born who was beloved by his mother but not by his father. There was obvious favoritism displayed in this home that led Jacob on a quest for his father’s approval and acceptance.

In Genesis 25-36 there is a record of a family’s conflicts that offers far more than historical facts. On the surface it is a story of marital conflict, parental favoritism, sibling rivalry, in-law jealousy, and neighborhood envy. A closer examination, however, will reveal the the root causes of family conflicts, and the path that leads to restored relationships. Allow me to take you on an Hebraic journey that will open our eyes to one of the most important sections of family life found in Scripture.

In Genesis 25-36 there are unique Hebraic structures and embedded forms of poetry that provide the necessary framework to understand God’s message of hope and reconciliation. In fact, it is only when the text is understood within the framework of these structures that God’s intended meaning can be understood. Often times the key to understanding the text is lodged in the center of these Hebraic structures. For example in Genesis 32:32 there is a description of a dietary law given to Israel. It says that Israel can no longer eat the sinew or muscle located near the hip joint of an animal. The reason for this restriction was to remind the children of Israel of the injury Jacob suffered when he fought with the Divine Being during his nighttime struggle. This injury was literally a reminder of his life long struggle against God and man.

A casual reading of Genesis 32:32 would give the reader the impression that this verse serves no other purpose than to declare the new dietary restriction: "Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew of the thigh which is on the hip socket, until this day, because He touched the hip socket of Jacob, the sinew of the thigh." Now notice this same verse in its structural form:

eat not the sinew of the thigh

which is upon the hip socket

because He touched

the hip socket of Jacob

the sinew of the thigh.

Note how the beginning and ending lines of this poem match with the phrase "the sinew of the thigh". Now note how the second line and the second from the last line also match - "the hip socket". This now leaves the center line to stand out as the key point in the poem: "Because He touched"; and that is the message that God desires for us to hear (or see). It is when God touches our lives that He captures our attention. This form of "touching" is for those who fail to learn the lessons that God is teaching through the conflict that He has designed. Can you imagine approaching each conflict that you face as a welcomed blessing? You see, conflicts are designed by God to teach us about ourselves. However when we cast blame and see fault in others, the seeds of bitterness and anger begin to take root which destroy relationships.

It took Jacob forty years to realize that his struggle was not against Esau but against God. And it wasn’t until he received the "crippling touch" that Jacob realized with whom he had been fighting. My friend, may God’s Word sink into our hearts and help us to recognize the "meaning" of the conflict before a "crippling touch" is necessary. Just remember, at the end of the struggle there is a blessing!

Recommended Listening:

Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships, Mark Hamby (audio)

^ table of contents

Well, I did it again. It was the night before a conference in Minnesota. There is always so much to do to prepare for a conference. The most important factor in preparing for a conference is my relationship with my family. Can you imagine going to speak on the family and having strained relationships back home? My worst nightmare!

Well it happened. Jonathan, my seventeen-year-old came home late from a youth group activity and basically grunted to me as he began his ascent to his bedroom. Since I was leaving for four days, I thought that he could at least acknowledge my existence and say good-night as a son should. So I called him back and said good night, and "mentioned" that a more favorable attitude would be appreciated in the future. He was certainly in no mood for my correction and continued to grunt more attitudes my way. You can imagine what happened next. He was angry and I was upset. As he walked away from me, and went to his bedroom, I sat down to finish preparing my seminar on "Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships"!

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is able to get my attention much more quickly these days, and it was clear that I had missed something here. You see, I was more concerned with Jonathan’s response to me than Jonathan’s heart. I was also more concerned with my position as his father than as counselor and guide. My son needed his dad to notice that he was emotionally bound this evening, and dad needed to be a giver and not a receiver this evening. I should have noticed that he was struggling, and realized that this was not the time to be concerned about how he addressed me. His response needed to be addressed at a later time. Unfortunately, I was blind to the hurt within his heart because of my self-centered interests in his behavior.

Oh, how long will it take us to realize that much of our children’s behavior is a direct link to our own provocations?

Thankfully, I responded to the Holy Spirit’s promptings and went to my son, apologized for my thoughtlessness, and began showing concern for his needs. Affirming that I would be praying diligently for whatever was bothering him, his response was one in which a father delights.

Remember, righteous discipline never acts to condemn but to offer help!

^ table of contents