ISSUE 8
[Table of Contents]

The Angry Parent
Free To Lead, Freed To Follow
Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships
Slowdance
Health Insurance for Christians
Healing For A Wounded Heart & Marriage
Youth Training Facility
Let God's Creatures Be The Teachers
The Beggar's Blessing
Angel Unaware

Several months ago a desperate mom came to me in tears agonizing over her angry five-year-old daughter. She claimed that she had tried everything, but the anger was only getting worse. It is usually the parents of teens who come for help, but a five year old? Seeing the desperation in her eyes as she stood with the support of a friend, I asked her to describe a situation that would ignite these angry episodes. Without hesitation she replied, "After she gets spanked for leaving her bike in the driveway." I asked why her daughter is spanked for this neglect and she replied, "Because she disobeyed."

As I think back upon my early responses as a young parent, I too might have spanked my child for leaving his bike out. But would that have been the best response? Would spanking have solved the problem? You see, parents who adopt spanking as a means of discipline, often confuse "discipline" with "punishment." The word "discipline" comes from the Latin word "discipulus" - to teach, to train, to educate. Children, like this little girl, are often more forgetful than blatantly disobedient. I seriously doubt that little Sally drove her bike up to the house and set it down in the driveway in defiance, knowing that she was going to get spanked!

This situation appears to be one of forgetfulness and weak character. In this case, it is time for discipline (discipling - teaching); offering gentle reminders and helpful suggestions, rather than punishment which can lead to parental provocation. Spanking should be used ONLY for blatant, purposeful disobedience and even then, ONLY after mercy has been exhausted. Is it possible that we, as parents, often misinterpret acts of carelessness or forgetfulness as disobedience and defiance? We need to help our children to succeed through encouragement, not through forceful control. Most often parents who spank for every reason under the sun do so because of their own lack of self-control or lack of understanding. Spanking for the wrong reason will lead to exasperation, which God clearly warns parents to avoid! (Eph.6:4 & Col. 3:21)

The very fact that God demonstrated His love toward us while we were yet disobedient (sinners), teaches us that it is the goodness of God that leads to repentance, "for the wrath of man (yelling, scolding, threatening) does not work the righteousness of God."

Mercy and sacrifice are the cornerstones of parenting, and must be the dominant theme in our relationship to our children. Now, back to our little five-year-old. Children at these early ages need our assistance. Multiple commands often confuse children, causing forgetfulness which is often perceived as disobedience. This child needs help and direction. Perhaps a special place that is her own little parking place. Maybe Mom could set up a play parking meter so that each time she parks her bike, she is also learning the discipline of saving. When she forgets, it is teaching time, not spanking time. Little Sally just needs to go back and put it in the right place. Mom doesn’t get frustrated and little Sally takes one more step toward being responsible.

Please do not misunderstand. I am not advocating behavior modification. Children do not always need a reason to obey. However, we must not forget that discipline (discipling) is synonymous with teaching. Parents who desire to reach their child’s heart must "discipline" with encouragement and punish according to the scales of mercy. If we follow the pattern of God as our parent, we must not forget that His mercy is to a thousand generations and His judgment is to the third and fourth generation. Do you see the disparity? One thousand to four!

Recommended Reading:

I'll Be With You Always, Joni Eareckson Tada

Raising a Modern Day Knight, Robert Lewis

The Triumphant Teen Audio, Mark Hamby

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The following article was the result of God opening a conversation between Susie Zylstra and me at the recent Portland ACSI conference. Out of the blue we began talking about something that God had been teaching us both. When I heard her articulate her understanding of submission, I knew that my readers would greatly benefit. May you enjoy and glean from this wonderful truth that you are about to read, and may it empower you into a deeper relationship with your spouse and with God.

Submission is an opportunity to trust God in the life of another person. When I took my marriage vows I was saying, "I trust God to work through you as my husband. Together we will become a team that will more effectively work out the life of Christ in ourselves. May God be glorified in our union."

To submit is an active choice of putting oneself under another in obedience to God. (See Titus 2:11-3:3.) It is a beautiful picture of placing oneself under in order to lift up. Not only does this give a witness to the lost and encourage the brethren, but choosing to submit changes my heart and effectually increases my faith.

Putting myself under my husband’s authority also frees my husband to lead and to seek God. If I take over, manipulate or backseat drive his leading, I interfere in my husband’s leaning on God. Then I become an obstacle to his progress as a leader. When that happens it confuses our children’s understanding of their father’s role as a leader and their role as followers. This ultimately confuses their relationship with God as their authority. Not getting in the way means giving my husband the freedom to fail. A just man will fall down, according to the Scriptures, but he gets up again (Prov. 24:16). How? By allowing a husband to fail, you remove yourself as an obstacle, thus opening the door for God to convict, instruct and lead him to repentance.

Submission saturated with faith honors God, empowers our spouses, and prepares our children for adulthood. It is an issue of trust, faith, obedience, and empowering. When I honor my husband I empower him to mature in Christ.

contributed by Susie Zylstra

Recommended Reading:

The Complete Husband, Lou Priolo

Stepping Heavenward, Elizabeth Prentiss

The Lamplighter, Maria S. Cummins

Let Go, Fenelon

Calvary Road, Roy Hession

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As we learned in the last newsletter, God sometimes has to "touch" our lives in order to get our attention. Not realizing that our fight is not against man, but against God, we walk through life fully armed with sword drawn, ready to slay anyone who stands in our way. The Patriarch Jacob was one who found himself in constant conflict;: in childbirth, with his brother, his father, his wives, his uncle, and his neighbors. At the climax of each conflict Jacob fled, only to find himself facing the same conflict years later.

No one enjoys conflicts. They disrupt our lives and destroy relationships. Left unresolved, they will destroy everything we hold dear. How then can conflicts be resolved? Begin by recognizing the root cause of most conflicts: "For where envy and self-seeking exist, there is confusion and every evil work." Solomon teaches "that only by pride cometh contentions." In my twenty-two years as a Christian I have observed that the majority of my conflicts were rooted in selfishness and pride. Unfortunately it is the children who suffer the most when parents are unable to overcome these sinful tendencies.

The Patriarch Jacob was one such child. The lack of harmony between his parents cultivated insecurities which resulted in years of unresolved conflict. Parents need to understand that a child’s security is rooted deeply in their marital stability. All the gifts in the world cannot replace what children desire most - a mom and dad who love each other unconditionally. It is this model of unconditional love that keep children from searching for acceptance in all the wrong places. Jacob was searching and longing for his father’s acceptance and stooped to deceit in order to obtain it. It can be rather shocking to see what children will do to gain acceptance. Their actions range from deceit to murder. It was evident in the life of Cain and continues to be evident today.

In the Jacob narrative, Genesis 25-36, the words "grace" (acceptance) and "blessing" occur over 50 times. It is like Jesus saying "verily, verily, verily" 50 times before making his statement. I believe the words blessing and acceptance (grace) are two of the most important words in Scripture.

It is essential to note that the parental blessing cannot precede parental acceptance. Our children need to know that they are fully accepted. This will manifest itself through marital harmony, forgiveness and through responses that offer help rather than condemnation. Acceptance will also manifest itself when a parent focuses on the heart rather than behavior.

Resolving conflicts at home begins when we take our eyes off ourselves and begin serving those we love through unconditional acceptance. Should offenses be ignored? Absolutely not. They must be dealt with, but at the appropriate time—when peace rules your heart, so that you can respond with wisdom and understanding, helping to resolve conflict.

Jacob suffered through years of unresolved conflict because his world revolved around himself. His father added to the turmoil through years of rejection and lack of acceptance. Therefore, Jacob searched for acceptance in all the wrong places. Isaac was supposed to be a representative of the God of all grace; but instead he "favored" his eldest son Esau which led to deep insecurities for Jacob.

Sometimes a father’s distorted view of his responsibilities leads to stricter control, authoritative parenting and repeated punishments, thus resulting in a discouraged child. As a father it is so important to listen to what our children have to say, for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If we are trying to reach their heart, then this is an opportunity to help repair wounds that are open and visible.

Isaiah 40:11 describes this approach eloquently: "He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms, and carries them close to His heart, and gently leads those who have young." *"There the lamb is safe, there he’s protected, there he can feel the beating of the shepherd’s heart."

Recommended Reading:

A Shepherd's Heart, Paul C. Brownlow

The Hedge of Thorns, John Carroll

Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships, Hamby (audio)

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Slowdance

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round . .

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight . .

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is short . . . The music won’t last

Do you run through the day on the fly

When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You’d better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is short . . . The music won’t last

Ever told a child . . We’ll do it tomorrow

And in your haste, not see the sorrow?

Ever lost touch . . Let a good friendship die

‘Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?

You’d better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is short . . . The music won’t last

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through the day,

It is like an unopened gift ... Thrown away ...

Life is not a race . . Do take it slower

Hear the music . . Before the song is over.

You’d better slow down

Don’t dance so fast

Time is short . . . The music won’t last

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We are hurt so easily. Those we love often disregard our feelings. We cry out in quiet desperation in the morning, and at night we hold ourselves, curled in a fetal position, hoping that this nightmare will somehow vanish. We pray for deliverance, but God does not seem to hear. Our dream of a different life fades, as our sorrows mingled with tears slowly meander down the untouched and unloved cheek that feels as parched as the desert.

Dear friend, have you felt the depth of these sorrows? For fourteen years I suffered with a chronic illness. After leaving a successful ministry of nine years, all I could do was to ask God, "Why?" Today I know why. God sometimes reveals who we are through hurts, sorrows, rejection and illness. The Apostle Paul had to learn this lesson. When he finally learned what God was teaching, he stated, "I will therefore boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong." Wouldn’t it be wonderful to reach such a level of spiritual maturity that we can see hurts and weaknesses as blessings!

You see, if we can begin to learn that God uses trials to uproot our hidden sinful tendencies, then we will stop fretting and begin praising for the change that is occurring in us. Of course it hurts. "The great physician who sees in us what we cannot see, knows exactly where to place the knife. He cuts swift and deep into our innermost being, exposing us for who we really are. And pain is only felt where there is life, and where there’s life is just the place where death is needed most. Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone, but if it dies, it brings forth much fruit." (Let Go)

God is committed to changing us! He was willing to die for us in order to purchase our freedom from the enemy’s shackles. He will in no less measure do whatever it takes to redeem us from our selfish nature, which is often revealed through rejection and illness. In fact, God will often lead us to a prison in order to set us free. It took fourteen years of ill health and marital conflict for God to uproot a selfish and angry spirit that had woven its ugly branches into the fabric of my life. Praise be to God for His faithfulness.

My friend, when trials begin to weigh heavily upon your life, cry out to God and ask Him to cut away that which is restricting your joy. There is no trial so great that God is unable to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you could ask or think!

Recommended Reading:

The Hedge of Thorns, John Carroll

Let Go, Fenelon

When People Are Big And God Is Small, Edward Welch

Stepping Heavenward, Elizabeth Prentiss

Resolved Conflicts and Restored Relationships, Hamby (audio)

The Triumphant Family, Hamby (audio)

The Angry Parent, Child & Teen, Hamby (audio)

The Strong-Willed Parent, Hamby (audio)

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Well, we are now in our fourth month. The walls are up, the roof is on, and the dry wall is almost complete. This project was definitely a step in faith. Now we need God’s people to pray that the Lord will open the door for us to purchase the land around the lake and have the privilege of using the lake.

For those who are new to our ministry, allow me to update you. For the past fifteen years, God has given me a passionate desire to prepare teens and adults to serve the Lord through skill training. Those who develop skills at an early age live life more confidently, thus separating them from the "foolish." When young people become skillful, they develop an ability to negotiate life skillfully. It is my desire to not only cultivate their skills through modular training (training seminars taught by master teachers) and apprenticeships, but to bring their collective talents together for the purpose of evangelistic revival crusades. Students who have reached a level of excellence in their skills will be invited to participate in an annual missions endeavor.

Please pray that God will open this door in His timing. Pray specifically that God will lead those He has instructed with His resources to propel this project forward. Lastly, pray that God will raise up godly teachers. I will keep you informed as this endeavor develops.

Thank you,

Mark

A friend of mine keeps a skunk in his house and allows it to roam as it pleases. It is an adult skunk with a full "stink bag" and could at any time release its odiferous mist on unsuspecting house dwellers. Over the last several years, both skunk and man have dwelt together in this most unusual arrangement. To date, no "stink bombs!"

Can you imagine inviting a skunk into your home? You see, several years ago my friend found an injured baby skunk by the roadside. He brought it home and nursed it to health. As the skunk grew to its adult stage, it has been conditioned not to fear. And because it dwells in an environment where fear has been removed, it no longer needs to defend itself by spraying its foul mist. What a beautiful picture of how "perfect love casts out all fear."

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I am so excited to share the following true story that will serve as a theme for our new fully illustrated children’s book, The Beggar’s Blessing.

When I first heard this story I remember getting goose bumps. It is undoubtedly an endearing story that will serve as an unforgettable testimony for children of all ages. Whether or not the beggar was an angel will certainly remain a mystery, but the child who became Queen is a matter of history. As soon as the illustrations are complete I will announce when the book will be available. For now, enjoy a portion of this beautiful and miraculous story!

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who saved her coppers to one day purchase her very own doll from the village toymaker. After seven years of sacrifice and toil she proudly made her way to the toymaker to purchase her long awaited doll. Excitedly, yet with humble dignity she entered the toymaker’s shop, pointed to the doll of her desire, handed the toymaker his due, and joyfully began her walk back home. In the street however, there was an old man begging for alms. Having nothing to give the old man, the little girl reached deeply into her heart, gathered courage and walked back to the toymaker’s shop. The little girl then held out her doll to the toymaker and asked if she could return it in exchange for her money.

When the little girl placed her entire savings in the beggar’s cup, he replied, "Little girl, may God someday make you a queen." Years later, this little girl became one of the youngest queens to ever be crowned. Her name was Queen Victoria.

A missionary on furlough told this true story to his home church.

Every two weeks I traveled to a nearby city for medicine. Once I came upon a man who had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and talked to him about my Lord. I then returned home without incident.

Two weeks later I repeated my journey. While there, I was approached by the same young man. He said, "Some men and I followed you into the jungle. We planned to kill you and take your money and medicine. We were about to move into your camp, when we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards." At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone.

One of the men in the congregation interrupted the missionary, and asked for the exact day this happened. The man who interrupted told this story: "On the night of your incident, it was morning here and suddenly I had a strong urging from the Lord to pray for you. I also called other men to join me. Would all of those men please stand up?" The missionary began counting each man that stood. There were 26.