I Think I need Help
I have been wondering, this weekend, something...I need your help to figure it out...or to clarify...In my time with God..and sometimes not...He chooses to reveal things to me that have not been necessarily what I am praying or concentrating on at the moment....like the letter I wrote to you when I realized He had controlled this whole thing by putting people in my life..and how it related to the verse in 1John 4..." not that we loved God, but that he loved us "... remember that..?..(That was incredible!)...well..there have been many times when God will give me something...and then back it up with either scripture or something in one of the books I am reading.....the other day when I shared with you my phone call with [my counselor]...how when I had spoken to him previously I did not talk about the reason I called him for.....I truly did not realize it was a problem, issue or something that he would make a deal out of, it has become an issue we needed and need to address....but then later in the day....I found that passage in "The Wounded Heart " that I shared with you...then yesterday...I found more..." The victim at age nine, who learned to tune out the abuse by staring at a spot on the wall, must not be told with an insensitive snarl that her choice was self-protective and wrong. I am to affirm her choice to survive. I am proud that she found a way to minimize the damage and survive to the next day. Honesty, however, acknowledges that her adult adaptation of the child pattern is an outworking of her depravity, not her dignity. When, as adult,when she protects herself in relationship by tuning out, stiffening, detaching or fleeing from a connection between herself and another that deepens the potential for intense enjoyment ( and thus vulnerability), she does more that assure her own survival. She sins against another and dismisses God's right to use her as His instrument of love and grace in the world." ........When I read this I cried my eyes out...because that is just what I found after talking to [my counselor]...I did and do, however not knowingly.....then remember..... I talked about the reason for this particular incident of detaching from the conversation was that dumb memory (I get James 1:8 "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways" .) ..I know I have to deal with it..[my counselor] knows I have to deal with it..probably if you ask anyone...they would know I have to deal with it..dealing with it sucks!...We never pinpointed what I was so anxious about last week...but I am sure I know why now...
As I continued to read this awful chapter on Honesty...( know that since I have had this dumb memory..I have tried and tried to prove that I must have either made it up or Satan is involved..)....I find this " Openness is involved whenever a victim's memories return and she acknowledges past sexual abuse. For most people the eruption of the past does not feel like the choice of an open and willing heart. It just seems to happen. Actually, however, the choice to face the past abuse is a response to a quiet prompting of the Spirit. "...."The memories require a response. The response must at some point, involve a conscious choice to acknowledge the truth........ A second choice is to deal with the abuse. Ambivalence is to be expected ( this is a whole other issue for me...ambivalence is defined as feeling two contradictory emotions at the same time..).....It is not God's job to "prove" anything to me...but I clearly don't get this...Is this something He would do...?....all of these realities...leave me no choice.....help me here..what do you think..??
