Laziness #2, by Mark Hamby
As I continue this article, I would like to review briefly for the benefit of our new readers. Children who appear lazy at home or school, but willingly work themselves to the bone for someone else, are not lazy. This lazy appearance is often a self-preservation response to provocative or overbearing parental (or teacher) control, dominion, or manipulation. Children burdened by a controlling adult live in fear. Fear lowers the level of reasoning (resulting in poor grades) and risk-taking. When a child begins to protect himself, his responses flow from a state of unconscious self-preservation, thus having the appearance of laziness. In school he appears to "not work to his fullest potential." At home he appears lazy.
Children with domineering parents/teachers who place responsibility above relationship or achievement above moderation, will produce discouraged children. This is the reason Paul warns parents not to provoke their children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Discouragement leads to apathy and apathy to laziness (self-preservation).
Discouraged children often see themselves as failures. These children are less likely to take risks as the cycle of laziness escalates. Fenelon, in the 17th century, poignantly described the affects of unbalanced parental control: "A parent whose eye is ever upon her child, who is constantly scolding, thinking they are fulfilling their educative role in pardoning nothing, will oppress their child, specially those parents who place the weight of the family concerns upon them; all of this only torments and discourages (Education of a Child)." Solomon gives us further advice in his proverbial wisdom when he says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes it is a tree of life."
A child who can never measure up to the standards of a grace-less adult lives in fear, which eventually leads to heart sickness (depression)! Shamefully, this is the pattern of parenting that I followed for years. In my zeal to "build character" and develop a work ethic in my children, I made chores an end itself. Responsibility above relationship! "Jonathan, go feed the horses, and when you’re done with that, water the sheep, and when you’re done with that, clean just two horse stalls and then come and see me when you’re done." It’s no wonder he hid from me. Work must be given as a responsibility with relationship as part of the goal. Again, Fenelon gives wonderful advice to the overbearing parent: "But above all things, do not let it appear to the child that you demand from him unnecessary submissions…Suffer then a child to play, mixing instruction with amusement: let wisdom appear to him at intervals, and always with a smiling face. Be careful not to fatigue him by an indiscreet exactness."
Fear-based laziness is easy to detect among children. Some children wet the bed; some are afraid to sleep alone; some have nightmares and others even have panic attacks. Some exhibit anger (fear and anger are close cousins) and some withdraw (depression - sick heart). These symptoms often surface in poor grades, low self-esteem, crying, etc.
The remedy to fear-based laziness is predominately found in the strength of a healthy relationship between Mom and Dad and the Lord Jesus Christ. A child who has spiritually mature parents who are a blessing and not a curse, develop the highest sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Another remedy in overcoming fear-based laziness is to build the confidence and skill level of the child. Solomon teaches in Ecclesiastes 10 that "if the ax is dull, and one does not sharpen the edge, then he must use more strength; but wisdom brings success." The word "wisdom" carries the idea of skillfulness. Children who reach a level of skillfulness in their God-given abilities not only develop confidence and security, but they are willing to take risks, and aspire to greatness. Solomon, in Proverbs 22, shares this final thought: "Do you see a man diligent in his work? He will stand before kings." The word "diligent" also carries the idea of "skillfulness" or "polished." When our children reach a polished state in their God-given abilities, they will truly shine!
