A Lazy Child and Music Lessons
Mark,
God knows that I wanted to speak to you! Thank you for writing. Many things are happening, some great, some not great, but maybe the "not great" things are part of the process. I am doing much, much better. I am very happy with how God is helping me to be a calmer, more grace-ful mom. Things are changing in that area and I don't feel hopeless or clueless.
It is funny, that although I am changing for the better, my oldest one (11 year old boy), is changing for the worst right now. His attitudes are worse. He gets very angry and then lies about what I did or said. Last night he said that I yelled at him! He knows that I am working on that very much and used the best thing he could think of. My husband and I keep talking with him, praying, etc. We are holding him accountable to his behavior, but not losing our tempers. He will do anything, right now, to get us off track. He has decided that he really wants to learn how to play the violin. I think he has been thinking about this for some time and finally confessed it. I am musical and love any type of musical interest, but not with someone with a horrible attitude! I had set up a meeting with a close friend whose son plays (he didn't know he played). He was very excited. That morning he yelled and then lied about his room. He then told me to cancel the meeting, that he wouldn't be playing the violin. So I picked up the phone and immediately canceled the meeting. He couldn't believe it. No yelling, just cancelled. Then I had a calm talk with him about his earning the right to get a violin and take lessons. He was shocked. I don't want perfection. Just a good kid who can admit a mistake with no yelling or lying. Once he can show me that for a week, we will set another meeting with my friend. I have so many battles with homeschooling, I can't imagine volunteering for another one! I can honestly say that I don't even feel that God agrees with him playing the violin right now. God was the one that prompted me to get lessons for my daughter for the piano (she had been playing at home being taught by me for a few years). She absolutely loves it and practices all the time, I never need to remind her. It was the right decision. She also is the one with the great attitude. She isn't perfect, but she is a joy to teach. Thank God for the one! It gives me courage for the other two.
Ok, that's my saga, let me know what you think. Let me know if you disagree with my tactics.
Thanks!
Dear Sister:
There is so much I want to share but I just learned I have carpal tunnel in my right arm. Here goes:
Good news on how you are growing. How long did this take? You son is only 11! Give him the same mercy that God gave you. This of course doesn't mean to let him get away with murder or disrespect. The way you handled the violin lesson was perfect…you must be consistent in you disciplining attitude however…do not let you leverage turn into a hammer over his head but a loving chastening hand that turns his heart back toward God's design for living in grace and truth. Your last word in your last sentence, “tactics,” is a practice you will want to eventually remove from your parenting style. If your son senses that you are using violin lessons as a tactic, you may harden his heart toward something you really desire for him to learn. In fact, I would try to avoid this as punishment unless of course he does what he did by wanting you to cancel. Your response was perfect. Now that he has learned (hopefully) that this is not a good course of action to take on his part, make sure you don't use it yourself.
Consistency is most important for you right now. As he vents and presses against the boundaries of life, be consistently strong and gentle. Use mercy as you see his heart become tender, and use mercy to make his heart tender. It sounds like you are on the right road. Make sure you continue to invite God's grace into your life through humility and gracious acts of kindness. Don't respond in the heat of the moment. And above all remember that Love never fails…does not hold a grudge, does not behave itself unseemly…but is kind, not seeking its own….truly love never fails.
Keep in touch, His grace is made perfect in our weakness.
Mark
www.lamplighterpublishing.com
Mark,
Your advice is wonderful, I actually understand it and feel with God's help I can grasp it. I know exactly what you mean by using the violin as a hammer and I don't want to do that. I'm not asking for perfection, just humbleness when wrong. Repentance. Even if he loses his temper with me, it is the hard heart that he has already that I am concerned about. I will give him as much time as he needs to work this out and I have talked to him so openly about my own journey. I just won't give him something else. I am continuing to pray and stay calm and it seems as if something has left me. I can't explain it, although I am not cocky enough to think it wouldn't come back if my guard was down. I just keep finding myself saying, "Please stop yelling at me, I am not upset and I am not yelling at you." Then they realize there is no yelling and they begin to tone it down. It is nice. Take care of your hand, too many letters to goofy moms like me. I am still planning to come the Vero Beach fair, hope to see you there! thank you for everything
Dear Sister:
I forgot to mention. Even if he doesn't humble himself as much as you desire, I wouldn't use the violin as a restriction, unless he said to cancel it again. You can't force repentance or humility--you can only model it. The reason he says you are yelling is because when they have heard this for so long, it is what they actually hear no matter how soft your voice is. It is all a part of emptying the reservoir and this takes time. So until the reservoir starts emptying, you must lower expectations for your children and raise them for yourself. Look forward to seeing you in a few weeks.
Mark
