Memories from the Past, Hope for the Future
Counseling on Thursday....well.....even though necessary...I don ' t have to like it...after what I shared with you last week about honesty and such..If I want to continue on this VERY narrow road...I must do what God want me to do.....sometimes from our own will and others times from His...Thursday we talked...he commented on how verbal I was....he also called me stubborn....In a way that only he could muster that it would be meant different...." Oh MAN!!...are you stubborn(long pregnant pause)...but I am not so sure it is a bad thing....for you.." his words..(humpf!)
So..after one comment I made to him about this...I cornered myself..I said "Every time I come here I feel like I am going to throw up.." he said.."I have a bucket."..ha ha...then I said.." one of the memories I got makes me nauseous"..there is the corner..an open door for him.." Oh really ?..Which one..?".... I shared this dumb memory, ...and like the last time I shared with him stuff like this...the experience is bizarre...it is like I lose control of my thoughts and memory....as I go back in time to the place in my head and basically relive the experience, which is terrifying...., I dont really see anything.....but I remember ...I cannot explain it...but it is like an out of body experience...truly odd....even after....it is like a form of shock...no joke.... so you can imagine what the following days are like...a mass of confusion, denial, risk, fear, shame, guilt.....
Friday before work..I got to the parking lot of where I work a little early..I pick up my little KJV bible I keep in th van..and I ask.."OK God..give me something ...I need help here"...immediately I get Ecc 3:6..now this book ...is not one I have frequently visited...but I go...and in the van all by myself..I start crying, again, do you know it.. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away ;.. As I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes and I wonder if I have any left, I realized that this verse that must be done as a whole...not just any part alone..in order for it to "work"....I hate this...because it requires me to be humble, vulnerable, completely submitted to God for the outcomes.....but I am still frightened...still doubting, still taking great risk with each step....each time I step out...the risk is greater....and requiring greater trust, faith and obedience....I want to get to the place where it doesnt hurt so much.....I thought of that mountain you shared with us..Mohonk..how great it would be to go to the very tip top and just throw it all to him.....
