Model Child What Went Wrong?
Parental Request:
It's rather humorous when you tell your stories, I can IMMEDIATELY see where YOU went wrong...e.g. as soon as you told me what you did with the cable order, I instantly was sorry for Jonathan because of how he had put his energy and mind to the task only to be "wasted"... That would be exasperating! I could see INSTANTLY! Why is it so much easier to see those things in OTHERS' situations before I can discern my own?
I know what you mean by the old dad cropping up again. I know all too well. Sometimes one victory is followed by defeat for me. How old is your Jonathan? My daughter is 18 as of this past September. she is a very talented and gifted singer who can sing harmony to any note at any time. She is a ballet dancer, and loves drama. She is majoring in theater at a Christian University. She, as I said, has been home-educated all her life. She is the oldest of 4. We have a 15 year old son who is now heading home from London after 8 days with a homeschool academy group. Then he leaves for a week of missions. Then there are twin 6 year old girls. We have always been more conservative in our attitudes than any of our church friends... We promoted courtship...no dating, no boyfriends/girlfriend relationships here.... We read all the right books. Our oldest daughter was an outstanding leader in her church, youth group, worship team, Bible study leader. She was the first one to say she would pray if in a group where someone would be asked to lead a prayer.
She is extraordinarily physically beautiful (this is not just a mom's interpretation). That's the first comment anyone ever makes about her. Once at college, she started begging for ear cartilage piercings... I read the passage from Leviticus to her to explain not only the scriptures, but also to show her how I arrived at my opposition to piercings and tattoos. She kept on and on begging. I found it dishonoring. I finally told her that I would not support her financially if she disobeyed me on this. You guessed it.... She called me one day to say that a young man there at the college had pierced her belly button. I was hurt, enraged, disappointed, devastated.... This young man has become her inseparable friend. Over spring break while she was home, I told him NOT to call here. Her father talked to him. Told him we did not approve of the piercing. My husband also told the fellow that we desired our daughter NOT to be in a relationship at this time. He also told him that we were very concerned that her purity be maintained, and we thought it best he not even come here to our church (where my husband is pastor). He wanted to drive to our home for Sunday services with the intention of driving our daughter back to college which is a 2 hour drive. That did not happen. Her father took her back to college.
Today, my daughter calls me to tell me she wants to come home for my birthday this Friday, but that I might not want her to because this same man has now pierced her ear cartilage. I was calm. I talked softly. I calmly told her that he had no honor for us as parents because he knew how we felt about him doing that to her, and that obviously he cares not the least about our feelings or her relationship with us. I told her that was indicative of his lack of character... Character that she may well want to examine further....that she needed to realize what kind of husband, father, friend he would really be since he apparently lacks some basic understanding of how a biblical parent/child relationship should be.....
Apparently, he did question her getting the piercing for he knew how we felt... Her response to him was , "Well, they're not supporting me anyway." So obviously, she doesn't have a great deal of concern about our feelings either....
However, I think I'm accepting this.... not as right, not as something I can even overlook, but just as something I cannot change. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I proud of her? No. But I just pray for wisdom to know exactly how to respond... This is hard... I keep hearing you talk about praying for wisdom. You said we could have it INSTANTLY, didn't you? I think you said that....Let me tell you, I need divine wisdom with every word that comes out of my mouth when that girl is around me.... I find her that offensive.
The hardest thing for me is to even look at her. Be happy to see you. Tolerating her behavior is just exhausting for me..... This is really a hard, hard thing for me, Mark.
Somehow, your seminar that I attended has encouraged me to keep on searching for the wise and helpful things to do for her....I sometimes simply don't have a clue what that is......I cannot condone, but what EXACTLY do I do? What do I say? I hear the scriptures promising me that the words I need to speak I will speak. That is my prayer to the Holy Spirit....
Thanks for listening....
Searching for Answers
Counseling Response:
Oh my friend. I feel your pain. I know your pain. Please trust me when I tell you that you are not seeing clearly. Just as you quickly were able to discern and feel for Jonathan when I shared the story about the cable, I am able to feel the same pain for your daughter. Your daughter needs you more than ever before. This might shock you, but so does that young man! All that I would like to share certainly cannot be shared in this letter so I will try to get to the point. First this young man is not the issue. Your husband has asked him to stay away but your daughter has obviously asked him to remain. You and your husband should be telling your daughter to stay away from him not him away from her. But because she doesn’t respect or value your rules, she is making decisions that bring her the most fulfillment. This boy is caught in the middle. His character is not the issue here, your daughter’s character and her relationship with her parents is the issue. When our relationship with our children is broken, how can we expect others to follow what we say? Piercings etc. are not the issue. The heart is. When our children are older and violate our rules, we need to express our concern but not our condemnation or condescension. If our children view us as the adversary, they will continue to seek others for their unconditional acceptance. The problem as I see it, is that you and your husband have placed a higher value on her purity and external “appearance” than whatever it takes for her to walk with God. This may be the path that God will use in your daughters life to bring her to her senses. In the meantime while she is going through these rough waters, she needs mom and dad more than anyone else in this world. You asked for wisdom, well here it is:
Wisdom from above is FIRST pure, then peaceable!, then gentle, then FULL OF MERCY, it yields. …
In this list of mercy responses, you need to decide which one you need to exercise the most toward your daughter and this young man. We need to all ask God to give us His heart toward our children. In the wrong choices of our children, we can begin to understand how God feels about US. But despite our wrong choices, He has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. In fact He will be with us always. His grace is always sufficient. Psalm 103 says that God does not deal with us according to our sins but despite our sins, He reaches out to us with His compassion. This is what your daughter needs most. One last thought: The fact that your daughter wants to come home for your birthday is EXTREMELY SIGNIFICANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seeing things from the outside in, I would recommend inviting her with this young man. You can then apologize for trying to control their lives. You can then gently share that you hope that your relationship will begin to heal so that they will respect your insights. I know this is difficult, but if you really want to see restoration, we need to trust the counsel of others who are not so close as to be blinded by the heat of the battle. I will be praying for your family. Your daughter needs you!
Sincerely,
Mark
Parental Reply:
My daughter came home this weekend. I drove an hour to pick her up. Her professional piercer boyfriend brought her that far to meet me. She had a tanning booth tan, the ugly extra piercing in her ear, beeswax in her hair as she is working on dredlocks. (I have no idea how to spell that). My heart has been so changed. I understand COMPLETELY what you say about yourself. I UNDERSTAND! It's all about MY way of dealing with things.... I see.... Isn't it so difficult to get to the underlying reasons which cause us to act the way we do? It's so dreadful to REGRET! I hate regret.
God is working so patiently with me. What an example of a loving parent HE is. I saw that tonight as I remembered and regretted my horrible behavior which I exhibited with my six year old last night. The story of you insisting that your son ride the pony flashed into my mind. I just behaved horribly last night when my daughter refused hysterically to allow me to put an earring back into her ear. She was exceedingly frightened and I was determined to overcome this. Things got so bad that her twin sister was actually traumatized and I was defeated.... That is insanity. I get insane, it seems. So I feebly cried out to God in great embarrassment. He showed me the solution which I carried out successfully today. Then I stood before Him as a guilty humbled failure once again. And He still received me. I don't know why. Then suddenly as I stood before Him with those feelings of regret, sorrow, guilt and feeling some hope of improvement and acceptance from Him, I thought of my daughter coming before me. And then I saw it... I wouldn't have gone to God in my despair, if He would have punished and accused me for what I already felt so bad about! I believe my heart is being changed. Old patterns are always a threat, but God is helping me. Your words have stuck in my mind more than any other words I have ever heard. As you see, I resist at first. I am at first unsure of the "rightness" of your words, but they never leave my thoughts, and then as I pray, God changes me. My reactions are NOT right even though my principles, values, and motives may seem to me to be pure and righteously motivated. I'm going through a lot of spiritual growing pains myself, but God is an awesome Father(parent) and example. Sometimes I tell Him, "I think I'm your worst child." But all the time He really reaffirms to me His unfailing love, certainly not full approval, but UNFAILING love.
It's great when we actually are shown by our children's actions that they do love us. It seems so apparent that Jonathan's love for you is just as intense as your love is for him. How comforting. Love covers a multitude of sins. My psychologist told me once that he believes Roxanna and I really do have a relationship, but it is a very emotionally intense one. What an understatement. But I'm really working on kindness and gentleness .... that would be fruits of the Holy Spirit, wouldn't it.... let me also mention SELF-control.
Hopeful
Counselor's Response:
Dear Parent:
I went to bed last night with your family on my mind and woke up this morning with the same. It appears that we are living parallel lives. I can counsel others much better than I can live it myself though I am not like I use to be. God has done and continues to do a marvelous work. Here are my thoughts:
Control is just another form of pride. I know this first hand. God is not going to allow us to be in control of anything. Otherwise, we take His place. Just this morning God is revealing to me that once again I am lacking true compassion for my son. Because some of his words and ways are reprehensible to me, I become bitter toward his offensive nature. This is one of the ways that God reveals my heart. Compassion comes from the Hebrew word for “womb.” The womb is a safe and protected place. Our children need to see us as a safe and protective place. Oh that God would change us into His likeness, so that our children would desire to be changed as well.
Oh that God would change me.
Mark
Parental Response:
I'm going to go with your advice, Mark. As far as inviting her boyfriend here with her. But the apologizing for trying to control her life? That is REALLY way out of my thinking right now....I am going to mull that over in my heart and mind... I somehow doubt I can get that contrite..... [My daughter would really use that as ammunition]. Perhaps not! I appreciate so much your honesty! It's like no other advice I receive. It is beginning to agree with what I feel is Holy Spirit direction here..... Yes, yes.... I am leaning that direction....BUT APOLOGIZE for trying to control her life.........hmmmmmmmm. I want HER to control her life, but just in a better way. Okay, I do understand that my current methods are not very successful. Thank you so much. I'll try to humble myself. It's a hard thing. Let go of control. My counselor told me that control was a delusion.
Sincerely,
I think I'm getting it, but it's not easy.
