Our Son Is Out Of Control
Dear Mr. Hamby,
I first heard you speak last year at the GHEA Convention in Atlanta, GA. I was very impressed with your seminars and bought several of your tapes. My husband listened to them and was so impressed with your message of grace he wouldn't let me have the tapes back for the longest time. He listened to them in his car so many times he had parts of them memorized. This is very unusual for him. I believe what you teach about handling our kids with grace is true in my heart, but it doesn't seem to be working with my 7 year-old son.
We have three children- a 9 year old daughter, 7 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter. Our son is out of control behaviorally. He can be the sweetest kid in the world one minute and explode with anger over something incidental the next. Away from home he is an angel. At home he hits, claws, pushes, and generally hurts the girls if he thinks one of his sisters is doing anything at all to hurt him or slight him. If his 5 year old sister finishes her school work first, he throws a fit. If I ask him to make his bed he says he needs help. He has made his bed well plenty of times without me. He will then refuse to do anything I say. He no longer respects me. He has kicked me, hit me, and screamed at me in the middle of one of his fits. After listening to your tapes I tried enabling him to obey me as often as I could but this is not working. I spend so much time dealing with his misbehavior I don't get things done I need to get done such as school work (we homeschool) and housework. I am so frustrated. Does grace not work with all kids in all circumstances? Nothing I have tried seems to work with him.
Any words of wisdom for me???
Thank you for your ministry
Subject: Synopsis of our conversation
(the following response was written by a mom after spending time with her and her husband on the phone. I asked them both to summarize our discussion and this is what she wrote.)
Mr. Hamby,
I'm not exactly sure how to do this or what you are looking for, but here I go.
The first thing I learned was the problems we are having with our son are an indicator of the status of our marriage. Even though I think we are doing OK right now either we aren't or things from the past are built up in our son and even with grace and mercy and unconditional love it will take time to "drain out" all the junk we allowed to get in. I need help in learning to express my emotions (I have questions about this I will ask later.)
We need to pattern our actions and attitudes toward our son after scripture. God convicts us and chastens us and therefore this can't be left out of our dealing with our son. God shows grace to us and mercy but He also chastens us when we resist His grace and mercy.
The result of punishment out of anger and frustration, which I have become prone to do, is fear. Our son is fearful now. "Perfect love casts out fear." I need to love him unconditionally and discipline out of love and concern for him, not anger and frustration. Love and truth are essentials in dealing with him. In Colossians 3 Paul talks about clothing yourself in compassion and kindness. These are deliberate actions. If I ask God to make me compassionate and kind I will be waiting a while. This is a choice I have to make in my will. Do the actions first and the feelings will follow.
Right now my son sees me as an adversary, not an advocate. I need to change this. He needs to see both my husband and I are on his team. One way that may help bring this about is by reading the book Teddy's Button to him and discussing spiritual battles and telling him we fight the same battles he does. Other books that would be good for him to hear are Little Sir Galahad and The White Knight.
We need to concentrate on grace and mercy in his life first. He also needs training in self-control so he can see the results of behavior is consequences.
In summary, grace and mercy are important but it has to be balanced with discipline. This is the part I think I was missing. It has been unbelievably humbling to witness you excercising grace toward us. I think it is the first time I have experienced it like this before. You are helping us with nothing worldly to gain yet you are pouring out your heart to us out of concern and Christlike love. I think I have learned as much from your example as from your words. God impressed me this morning with how amazing your grace has been to me in a time I felt so desperate. The grace He poured out for us on the cross doesn't even compare to it though. God is so good!! I was reading on your web site about brokenness. I'm not sure if this is the reason He has brought all this about, but I feel it is the result of it. "All things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
This has been difficult to do but very helpful. Thank you for pushing us to do what you knew was best.
Looking forward to hearing your comments and insights.
