Painful Rejection, But Necessary Surgery
I'm much more calm than when I wrote you last. I have tried to examine last Friday and the effect it had on me. The counselor was right, there is no good that will come from communication between my husband and I right now . Even when I want to 'believe' that something good will come from it, it's always damaging. Secondly, I realized how damaged and rejected I feel from this situation. The rejection I felt from his last letter was unbelievable. It touched something deep within me. The injustice of that letter as well as the sense of rejection I felt was overwhelming. I think that not only do I feel rejection from him, I feel a sense of abandonment that probably stems back to my early years. I've reviewed this over and over in my head but can't seem to get my hands around it. All I know is that when something happens like what happened last Friday, I feel like I am trash to be swept under the carpet and that strangers have more value than I do (in my husband's eyes). HOWEVER...Many wonderful things are happening in my life. I have been blessed to have found a wonderful church family. My pastor feels that we are all ministers and that if we have a passion and desire to serve the Lord then we should step forward in creating these ministries within the church. Since I'm an 'ideas' person, I have MANY ideas for ministry!! :) One of the ideas that I have is to have a link to books that all of our church members recommend. I have thought about sending an e-mail out to all our members and asking, "What three Christian books have meant the most to you in your life? Write a paragraph about this book that might give readers a taste of the book, what audience it's geared towards, what type of reading, etc." Once a list is compiled, I'd like to link these books for purchase. I'd like to have them under headings such as "Apologetics", "Marriage and Family", "Devotionals", etc. I have learned so much about God in the past two years. I promise you this Mark, if I had not gone through the pain with my husband , I never would have come to know God as I have. It's unbelievable to think that I could have missed that opportunity. I don't care the amount of pain...I praise God for it all. (Remind me of that when I'm sobbing and saying I can't go on another day.) My life has changed and I know I'll never turn back. I wish there were some way that I could give my time serving the Lord.
