Patriarchal Controversy
Dear Mark and Deb,
We can never tell you how great it was to have you here. Your coming was God's timing in our lives and we so appreciate your time with us. We were glad to be able to have you at "the farm" and would love to have you back anytime. If you need a place like that for awhile, or you are passing through, you have a blanket invitation to stay here. I know J____ and L___ feel the same. They love having that place used for ministry to people.
We are still processing much of the information you gave us and have been talking about it since Friday night. We learned so much and truly needed to hear it and talk about these things, especially with the kids. Thank you so much!
The question you asked on the way home that night about the "patriarchal message" that's been going around the homeschool circles really struck us. We've been talking about it a lot. We wanted to share our thoughts with you since we didn't really answer your inquiry very well. We had never tried to articulate it, I guess. So here goes….
As you were explaining the parenting styles the other night, I (Cyndi) thought at first that Ron was the dictatorial parent and I was the enmeshed. But as we processed all the info and talked about it together, we realized that he was (long ago) more of the detached/indulgent type and I was the dictatorial/enmeshed type. When the kids were little, he was not involved very much in the daily routines of their lives. He didn't really indulge them as far as buying or giving things to them, but he let life happen without much of a plan of action, physically or spiritually. I took the lead in that area because I didn't want to wait for him to do it. He was rather dictatorial when it came to disciplining the kids. When we first started homeschooling, we heard Gregg Harris speak. We heard a lot of new and wonderful things, and the things he spoke about went straight to our hearts. R__ started picking up the ball in a lot of areas. We started studying the Scriptures about the wife/mother and the husband/father roles and what God wanted of us as a family. Our lives really changed as I started to obey and change my pattern of how I spoke with and treated R__. I Peter 3 became my goal, as it was written to Christians, and as I changed, R__'s response was fantastic. He became the spiritual leader in our home. It did not happen overnight and it was not easy. There were arguments (mostly of my making) and lots of tears (again, mine), usually because I would just run right over R__ and refuse to wait on him! I began reading Charlotte Mason's writings and began applying them in our little homeschool and loved the results (she is very Biblical in her approach - such as, children are persons and we should treat them as such; trying to help them feel that we are on their side as we help them overcome faults and establish good habits; we are all under the authority of God's Word, not just the children; using great stories that stir a child's heart and imagination - it was and still is great stuff!). We continually prayed about it and I was very determined to learn to have a "gentle and quiet" spirit. Do you see that our marriage problems were exactly opposite to yours?? As we continued to apply and study Scripture, we began to see a lot of fruit in our marriage and in our children. It was totally phenomenal and definitely supernatural!
As we were talking about it this weekend, we saw that in your presentation of the parenting styles, you spent a lot of time on the dictatorial/enmeshed style, I assume because that was your experience. And you shared your stories which were awesome and very stirring, especially to me, because that is who I am in the natural. Those stories were great and so very needed. But you didn't spend half that time on the other two, detached/indulgent, which would have helped R__ even more. And as we thought about it, most of the men that we have known here and in Alabama where we lived before, whether they were homeschoolers or not, have been of the detached/indulgent type. We haven't really known many dictatorial-type men. In fact, one couple that was there Thursday night, friends of ours, heard all of that information and it didn't reach him at all. He is definitely that detached parent. He really wants to shepherd his family but doesn't know how. He doesn't push them to do anything and needs some motivation to stand up and take the reigns, so to speak. His wife came over Saturday to talk to me about it.
About a month or so ago, we ordered some CD's from Vision Forum (yup, you guessed it, right?). We haven't listened to all of them, but we heard the one about the "Doctrine of Patriarchy in the Home". Do you see how timely your visit was for us? That was actually the first time I had heard the term used in that way. When I heard it, my heart embraced it. That was what I wanted in my home; not a husband who was just letting life happen and reacting, but someone who would go to God and get orders and come back excited about what God had told him for our family-someone who would shepherd us in a very strong way! I thought it was awesome! I also realized that this is what we had come to know from our own study and talking together before we realized it had a name.
So, that is why I responded the way I did to your question. The "patriarchal message" is special to me. It would seem from what you told us that you have met a LOT of men/families who have a dictatorial/enmeshed parenting style and need the
message of servanthood to their families-of compassion and tenderness to their wives and children. Perhaps the men in your audiences who were the detached type simply didn't come up to speak to you. The families that we know, including a lot of the homeschoolers in our group here, need encouragement and motivation for the husband/father to step up to the plate and get involved; to begin to be a real shepherd and given ideas for how to do that! Their wives need the message of giving their husbands the opportunity to lead - waiting instead of running ahead and doing it for them. We actually started talking about how neat it would be to travel with you and tell the "other side" of the square--the detached/indulgent father -- and encourage those men and women in that way! Those women have entirely different problems then the ladies who are being so submissive they cannot speak the truth in love to their husbands. They need to be encouraged to be quiet!! (I speak from experience!)
We do see the dangers of preaching the "patriarchal message" to dictatorial fathers. They certainly do not need it. But there are dangers in totally missing the detached fathers--they think they are OK because they aren't pushing or bashing their children. Both messages are important -- servant leaders and strong leaders. Does that make any sense?
And actually, the patriarchs of the OT are a great inspiration -- they had so much baggage to deal with as they led their families, they made horrible mistakes, and missed many of God's blessings because of it. Yet, God blessed their families and made their names great, including them in the Hebrew "Hall of Faith". That means that no matter what baggage we have, how many stupid mistakes we make, God can not only use us, but bless us in the process. That is tremendously encouraging. It also means we can make it to the "Hall of Faith" and lose our family, like Lot did, which is tremendously motivational!!!
How's that for a sermon???
Your presentations were definitely needed and so many people were obviously touched by the Spirit during those meetings. We are so thankful that our children got to hear you. J__, especially, was very motivated by what you had to say. We were so glad to have those talk times with the kids after you spoke. As we said, it was God's timing for you to be here. And we praise God for both of you being able to be here.
And also, thanks so much for your "perspective" on the youth groups. We are really thinking through a lot of issues about our church right now and it was good to talk to you about it. We have already been praying about what God wants us to do. You two are so open and we appreciate that very much.
I must tell you that I used the "Ehud" story in my teen class Sunday morning and it was great and challenging to them! And, J__ (our 7 year old) has almost finished reading
Teddy's Button and she adores it!!! We are SO GLAD you came. Thanks for stirring our hearts AND our minds to action! Thanks for following God's leading in your lives!! Thanks for the stories - they are powerful!! We love you both very much!
Thank you for reading all this and listening to my heart. R__ let me type it up before we forgot everything we talked about. I can't thank you enough for sharing your lives with us. I do hope we will be able to be together again and talk. Thanks so much!!
Would love to hear from you,
Love you,
R__ and C____
