Please Help (Part Two)
Dear Sister:
I wish I had received this prior to my argument with my wife! But since I will most likely apologize when I see her in a few minutes I will attempt to write. It's something how God backs me into a corner, especially when I know I'm right!
Let me share what just happened ten minutes ago. This is Friday night, 4:30 pm. I don't know why, but Friday evenings are important to me, especially when I'm home. Traveling 40 weeks a year doesn't give me many weekends at home but since Debbie travels with me most of the time, I don't mind at all. In fact I love what I do. So, on Fridays, I enjoy taking my wife out to dinner and do something special. Now that we have an empty nest, I am enjoying spending quality time with my wife more than ever. Now let me define empty nest for you: My 20 year old daughter lives 5 miles away while completing her senior year in college. She also works part time at our office, so we see her daily. My wife usually brings her breakfast up to the office each day. My oldest son lives in San Diego, so that explains why we get along so well these days (I live in PA). My youngest son David, 18, lives on campus at Baptist Bible College as a Freshman. The college is 3 miles away from our house, and as I'm writing this from home, he is in the kitchen as I write. He comes home to catch up on sleep every third day! So as you can see, we don't have a normal empty nest and if my wife had her way, our kids would live with us the rest of their lives!!! She is completely child centered and I have always had to bear the burden of her unbalanced love and affection. Now I do hope that you can hear just a little of the humor and tenor that this email is written. I am actually doing much better these days with this woman that God gave me. Isn't that what Adam said? And since God makes no mistakes, there is always something for me to learn when I respond inappropriately. How long is it going to take for me to get this completely? Only God knows. But just ten minutes ago (now 15), I responded inappropriately with a negative nasty attitude. Why? My daughter called and asked if mom would like to go out with her to shop for a dress. Since I was at home at the time, my wife looked at me while on the phone, and said to me, "I will be going out with Jennifer tonight, so don't make any plans!" Plans???????????? Yes indeed, I already made plans because Friday evening is important to me. Well so is Saturday evening and all day Sunday!!!:) Get the picture? So I told her that I did have plans and she quickly let me know that I would have to change them because she was going out with her daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? I want you to know that as I am writing this, I am laughing because...I really don't know why I'm laughing...I guess I'm laughing at myself. I could use a good laugh right about now, it's better than getting drunk or taking antidepressants you know. Please don't share this with anyone, they probably won't invite me to speak again. (and for the record, I don't drink alcohol nor am I on antidepressants--some people take things so literally). I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face. I have to get my composure...Ok, deep breath...Why I am telling you all of this? Oh, by the way, mid way through this email I called my wife who is now at the office because she was needed to assist an editing project, and I sincerely apologized. This may be one reason that I am able to take this so light heartedly. And this is a very important point to make. When we are so upset because someone trampled on our toes, we can't really enjoy our lives---thus the poop times. I can really identify with the up and down, great to poop moments of life. Praise God, I am now experiencing more of the good than the poop and it is because of this simple act of repentance, forgiveness and love, and letting God change the heart of the other person.
Of course, when we have younger children, we need to exercise our responsibility as parents and discipline, protect, chasten when necessary etc and even spank...BUT ALL WITH A SPIRIT CONTROLLED ATTITUDE AND A HEART THAT PROVES THAT WE HAVE THEIR BEST INTEREST IN MIND. It is really that simple. If our emotions are out of control, then you simply can't discipline your children effectively. You need the discipline not your children. Now that years have gone by, it is time to focus on emptying the reservoir of hurt rather than continuing on as usual. You already know that you methods are not working, so it is time for a shift in your thinking and approach. If you continue in the same vain (and I mean vain!), do you think that this will be advantageous three years from now? If not, then let's try to focus on emptying the reservoir of hurt. This means that when you are out of control because of their disobedience, it is not time to deal with their behavior, it is time to deal with yours--humility, repentance, forgiveness, mercy, grace. This is what God did to get our attention. He who knew no sin, became sin for us. God became dirty to help us. God broke through the barriers of our hardened, disobedient hearts, by stretching his arms on a cross asking His Father to forgive us. Remember it is the goodness of God that leads to repentance.
Emptying the reservoir doesn't mean that your children get away with murder. There are still consequences. The difference is that these consequence are not meted out while your spirit is out of control or angry. You must learn to NOT deal with anything or anyone in their first emotion or in yours. There is plenty of time to deal with things. God Himself doesn't pounce on us when we disobey (Psalm 103). Have you ever known of your children to really benefit from your instruction during the heat of the battle? Your have a good heart, wrong methods. If you are going to rely on past methods that haven't worked for you, then you fit the definition for insanity--doing the same thing that doesn't work, over and over again! Silly when you think about it. How does this change occur--SLOWLY, WITH GOD'S HELP, BECAUSE HE RESISTS THE PROUD BUT HE GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. The key word is GIVES. He gives grace and that is the only way you can receive it--by humbling yourself. Don't try to change your children--model Christ on the cross for them. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND BURY YOUR FIRST TIME OBEDIENCE MYTHOLGICAL HOPES. It's really all about our relationship with Jesus Christ...when we are growing in Him, then our children will be willing to follow. I will never forget what my oldest son said to me when he was 15--"Dad if you life lived louder than your words, I would follow you!" Oh, you can't imagine how that crushed me. Primarily because I really believed that my life was fine and it was his that needed to change. Oh, how blind we can be. Today at 22, I think he may be ready to follow me. Just think, it took me 15 years to fill an angry reservoir, and only 7 to empty it. And with God, nothing is impossible! I have never written such a lengthy email but I believe that God was in this one! Blessings and please keep in touch. In the multitude of counselors there is safety. Oh by the way--I love my wife so much, that I don't think I could live without her! :)
Mark
Ps. You mentioned the curriculum Growing Kids God's Way. I don't usually keep the names of curriculum on this site but I will in this case because it is used so widely. Curriculum such as this can be very helpful for parents who were raised in dysfunctional homes or do not understand how to discipline their children. As with any curriculum, we need to incorporate what works for our family or child. There is no curriculum out there that fits all the needs for every parent and child. Also we need to be careful that we don't make principles that we read in literature into laws. The law never worked for Israel, I don't think it works today. Children do need discipline and law, but this in and of itself apart from grace, mercy, and forgiveness will not work.
You also asked what "Love never fails," looks like. It looks like outstretched arms!
