Rain, Rain, Go Away
Eccl 7: 2 ( i think) ...."It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke than to listen to the song of fools."
Am I off with this scripture...? I dont think so..it spoke so loudly to me this morning...
Part of this journey, and what I realized about myself with the last letter, is letting go of the sinful parts of me...exposing them and letting Christ come in and heal it..and show me a better, more productive way of living...So why then so much agony, you would think it would be a relief.....when I spoke to my counselor last week....and he told me that I needed to speak what is on my heart and tell of the things that have hurt me he said.." The very things you don't want to talk about"...my response to him was this.." If I talk about my childhood.....and the other things in my life that have hurt me...then where is the happiness,?...what part of my childhood was happy..? As sick as it sounds...why am I so desperate to hold onto a pretense of happiness..when there was none, or very little...?...
Today I struggle with the reality of this loss...I am trying to let the light of hope shine through.....Since this is one of the first times that I have not been able to get this out of my head, and because my husband has difficulty when my emotions are apparent ...it makes it all that much more difficult.....and it makes me question myself...even if I am told that I am not doing enough for myself..(.now there is a concept not entertained at all in my head!..)..with an irritated sigh and eye roll...my counselor adds..." You are not responsible for his reactions, you need to take time for this stuff!".....daily..it is a struggle... to not feel guilty of caring for my emotional needs...
Secret Survivors...pg 296.." The incest survivor inevitably asks, "Why me?" Although this is a reasonable thing for her to wonder, she learns that she needs to let go of this question and accept her history. She also learns that a little self-pity makes sense for the wounds she has suffered ( and that nobody else has the right to judge how much is too much and that her training is to say that any amount is too much.... Yea..I am working on this ..). The incest survivor has a childhood to mourn. She mourns the losses and expectations and needs that are a child's birthright.( It sounds so selfish.....but I am probably wrong here too..)
Dear Sister:
It is not selfish to think this. However, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo, and Joseph, all had their childhood's stolen away. They were schooled in adversity for the purpose of deliverance of others. It is always His plan…Those who have suffered, are the only one's able to deliver others. “Have you suffered so many things in vain?” Gal 3:4 “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that you through his poverty might be rich.” 2Cor 8:9
“For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding eternal weight of glory:” 2Cor 4:15-17.
When I think of Queen Esther, I see another woman who had her life stolen away, but she finally understood that God had allowed her to be exactly where she needed to be in order to deliver an entire nation—her people whom she loved so much. Was it easy to be married to a polygamist king? How old was she when she was ripped from her home? You see, God's plan, though our outward man may perish, and even suffer much, is to deliver others through the inner strength as Christ is seen in us..
By the way, you have come a long way!
Mark
