Rude, Mean, and Lazy Child
Mark,
I have a long question for you, I hope you can help me. I have never heard you speak, but close friends have. I have been reading your counseling answers to other parents, so I am hoping that you can help. Here is the situation: I was not raised in a Christian home. My parents did not teach me the correct way to parent, the ways of God. I became a Christian at 29. Now I am a 43 year old homeschooling mom with an 11 year old boy, 9 year old girl, 6 year old boy. Life has gotten rather challenging and I don't have any answers. Homeschooling has been a joy for many years until the last year. My very excited 11 year old is not excited anymore. He gives me trouble on many things we are doing. My 9 year old girl, with a very easy going personality, is doing well, loves most things, practices the piano because she loves it..... My 6 year old has been the most challenging, since 1 year old! My husband and I are both committed, strong Christians.
I have read or gone to so many parenting classes! I won't list all the books and classes, but now I am reading Sheparding a Child's Heart and doing the workbook. Excellent stuff. I agree with everything that Tedd Tripp says, but there is not much practical advice in there. I am up against the wall with my boys! I have prayed for years for them and for me, to be the mother that God would have me be and now I find that not only am I nowhere near that Christ-like mom, I don't have a clue as to how to get there!! None.
I have ordered your seminar tapes and a parenting book that you recommend (can't remember the name). I feel that I am trying to rewrite who I am. I don't mind doing this for the sake of my children and Christ. I am just at a loss as to how to handle to rude child, the mean child, the lazy child, etc. I would like my home to be calmer, I don't know how to achieve this. I am in constant prayer about this. God has not answered me yet, except to tell me to be gentle and kind (things that I am lacking) and to look into your site. I do love the Lamplighter books and we own quite a few. We love reading them!
Any advice you can give would be appreciated. I think your old parenting style is very similar to who I am trying not to be!
thank you,
Dear Parent:
Well it sounds that God is certainly fulfilling His part in helping you. Just think…so far, He has lead you to Tedd's book and my seminars, but most importantly, He has allowed you to SEE what you are lacking…gentleness and kindness. This is so important because it usually takes a year or two for parents to stop trying to change their children and work on themselves. Once we change, our children usually will follow. And even if they don't, that is OK, because they too need to learn from their mistakes and sinful choices so that they will follow Christ on their own. Just think, here you are as a 43 year old mom and you are still trying to learn these things. How much more then should we cut our children slack when they struggle. Psalm 103 is an excellent Scripture for you to consider. There David teaches us that God doesn't deal with us according to our sins…(if He did, we would be dead!), but he treats us with compassion. The word for compassion (some versions have it as “pity”), means “a mothers womb.” A place of warmth, security, and protection. When we start reacting to our children's poor reactions, it really shows that we are the ones in need. So what can be done? It is quite easy and quite difficult. What I mean, is, if you are willing to humble yourself, then it will be easy. If you are proud and don't die to self easily, then you are in for a rough road up ahead.
Let me tell you a little of my personal nightmare and hopefully you will never have to travel this road. When Jonathan (my oldest was 12, he told me he hated me. And at 14 he ran away (though only for a night). This is when God began to wake me up. You will need to listen to the tape to get it all but to make a long story short, I was reacting to Jonathan's disobedience and disrespect. His anger was matched by my anger. His disrespect was matched by my forcefulness and threats. What I was doing was manipulating him so that I could have my perfect family that way I pictured a family should be. Instead, God gave me a broken family so that I might learn to humble myself and start believing that unless the Lord builds the house, I will labor in vain. T here are many Christian families today who look great on the outside. When these children enter their adult lives, they rarely have an intimate relationship with Jesus. Only God can bring this to pass, and in my limited 28 years of learning the hard way, I see that God draws us close through adversity. Consider the behavior of your children a blessing! They are revealing their true nature. The only thing that needs to change is you. As you begin to draw upon God's grace, you will begin to relate to your children in ways you cannot dream possible. The problem has been that you have been grace deprived. Remember, grace is only given when you humble yourself. God RESISTS the proud, but GIVES grace to the humble. It is the only way one can obtain grace. Does this mean you don't have discipline? Absolutely not. But it does mean that you no longer respond the way you used to. Now you respond with more mercy, and more grace, and kindness. Because you know how much God has put up with you, now you can do the same for your children.
There were times when my son used vulgarity—at me! My natural response was…actually I can't write that in an email…but you can guess how I felt. Then I began to realize that his words were a release of the frustrations pent up in his heart. I started to realize that his words were a flag to get my attention that something very hurtful was going on in his heart and most of the time I was the one responsible for the hurt. So, an unusual and unlikely thing began to happen in our relationship. God began to give me grace (this mainly came in the form of understanding, seeing things from God's perspective) and then I began to acquire the disciplines of NOT REACTING. In fact, I often was calmly apologizing at the end of his verbal assaults. This graceful, humble approach (and I'm still learning), began winning his heart and allowed healing to take place and the reservoir of hurt to begin to empty. This is grace, and it works.
I highly recommend a few books that you must read. Please understand what I am about to say to you. You have come to me asking for my help. I do not receive payment for this service but I take this service very seriously. The books that I will recommend are life changing books. They will give you the tools and the understanding, and above all, the truth, that can set you free and your family. So please, read these recommended books. The first is a little devotional called Let Go by Fenelon. Next is Families Where Grace is in Place, then The Education of a Child by Fenelon, and lastly the most important but I want you to read it last, called True Faced by McNikol. These books are truly a Godsend. There is another, but let's wait and see how well you digest these. These books can be obtained through www.lamplighterpublishing.com . Now for the last matter of business. When I receive an email that I believe will be helpful to others, I ask for permission to place it on the web. I would of course remove all names and locations etc so that your family could not be identified. I believe that your frustration is universal. There are so many moms and dads in exactly the same place as you. I believe that your question and this response will give others hope and direction. So with your permission, I would like to place it on the web so that others can be helped. Please let me know and I would love to hear from you as you begin reading these books. I am sure you will have questions along the way, so please don't hesitate to email me. My answers will usually be short and to the point. Only the first one is this long! I consider it a privilege to help you. I pray that my counsel will be helpful so that you can begin enjoying your family and your God.
Because of Him and for Him,
Mark Hamby
