Sibling Threats - At the End of My Rope!
Hi, i'm new to grace parenting....i have liked and read everything sent in the last 2 weeks. i have been told that our 3 1/2 yods is strong-willed. but he is very loving many times too. i don't like labels. i also read Mark's transcript about fear/control parenting....i'm not sure that this is a result of my errors. i remember my son hitting and kicking his 13yo sis and 10yo bro from early on. He apparently is frustrated sometimes, cranky but other times he just starts doing this. For example...this morning he threatened to poke his sisters eye out (he says things with laughter in his voice) and his sister kicked him in the stomach. Well, i would have exploded for this. but i had just read Mark's transcript last night about 1st emotions/not reacting to. I have been wrong in this area...yelling, threatening kids...very upset when they hurt each other.But why are they violent to each other? I have confessed to God if there was any unconfessed sin in my life... i have been repenting of many things lately...even to our children...humbly asking forgiveness. I pray for peace and patience...and Grace. Holy Spirit please give me answers...Comforter! I feel so helpless sometimes. They bug each other and touch each other to irritate. Please give me ideas....just sign me....at the end of my rope in Nebraska.
Dear End of My Rope in Nebraska:
I really need much more information but I will share a few possible insights. First, is your 3 year old acting out in frustration because he is being picked on by his brother and sister? If not, then you need to instruct your older son and daughter to immediately communicate to you that he is hitting or threatening. Then, either you or your husband need to CALMLY go to him and administer discipline or punishment. Whenever a child is hurting someone else, this is reason enough for a spanking. However, you cannot spank in frustration or anger. (Tedd Tripp gives an excellent description on the proper method of spanking in his book Shepherding a Child’s Heart). You must be in control of your emotions. Your children are learning to respond from your responses. It is also important that your 3 year old knows the consequences AHEAD OF TIME. Whenever he hits or threatens someone with physical harm, there should be no question as to the consequences. He will begin to learn quickly. I cannot emphasize enough though, that you must carry this punishment out with the utmost control of your emotions. If you cannot do this, then dad will need to be the initiator. In fact, when you talk to your 3 year old, make sure that both you and your husband are together when you communicate this to your son. Your husband will need to be involved as much as possible, especially in the early stages.
Another very important factor will be forgiveness. Your 3 year old will need to experience forgiveness. If he is willing to apologize to whomever he has hit or threatened, then it will be very important for them (your older children) to convey their love and forgiveness. In fact, it would be helpful if they could even come to his rescue once in a while and ask (beg) for mercy on his behalf, even prior to his apology. Then your 3 year old will see love, mercy, and grace in action. There is nothing more powerful than mercy that will soften a heart. After you have exercised consistent discipline and punishment, it will be helpful that you yourself offer mercy by letting him know that though he deserves punishment, you sense that his heart is becoming more tender and you are not going to punish him.
Lastly, this is going to take a combined effort from your whole family. Each of you will need to start growing in forgiveness, mercy, grace and love. It starts in our marriages, then in our parenting, and down it goes to our children’s interaction with each other. One concern I did not mention is the fact that a 3 year old would threaten to poke his sister’s eye out. This raises some questions concerning what he may be viewing on movies, computer games, rough siblings, or other influences. Are there other factors that I should be aware of?
Remember, God will never leave us even at the end of a rope! Seek Him with all of your heart..
Recommended Resources:
(click on a title to see description)
Teddy's Button and Little Sir Galahad are excellent because they teach about the battle within. You want your children to understand that you are on their side and that you are fighting the same battle. Another great story that ends in a sister dying because of the actions of her sibling is The Coveted Bonnet. This story is in Fireside Readings Volume 2. My last recommendation is Amy and Her Brothers. This is an awesome story on sibling rivalry.
