The Strong-Willed Child
Mark,
How do you act as your child/teen's "advocate" when he/she is a very strong-willed person who automatically takes an "attack" mode whenever you say the word "no?"
The Parent of a Very Strong-Willed Child
Dear Dad of a Strong-willed child:
Children should never see their parents as the adversary. If they do, then the parent is not truly modeling the character of God. I never view God as my adversary, though I know he chastens me and sometimes severely. Because I know that God has my best interest in mind and that He loves me unconditionally, I rarely attach or blame Him for my circumstances . However, when I do attack Him it is usually in the form of me attacking others. So if a child is in the attack mode, you must try to determine if they are attacking the parent or is the real battle against God? If a parent does not place responsibility above relationship, and if their mercy is greater than their judgment, and if their love covers a multitude of sins, then most likely, the child is fighting against God. If, however, the parent is controlling, judgmental, and critical, then children usually go to attack mode and rightfully so. That is why Paul teaches parents not to provoke. Not just once but twice. In Ephesians we are warned not to provoke but to bring them up. This Greek word for provoke reveals that we are to get out of the face of our children. In our quest to help our children overcome sins that has taken us a life time!, we become overzealous and provoke them to anger. The phrase “bring them up” is a nursing term. We need to treat our children tenderly even during times when they are emotionally distraught. Especially during this time! But so often, we become just as strong as they, which really reveals our own selfish heart. In Colossians, Paul warns again only this time the warning says “ don't provoke, lest they be discouraged.” This Greek phrase "lest they be discouraged," reveals that the child has lost their spirit to fight back. They give up and no longer have a spirit. They are depressed and are scarred for a life time. If you have a child that is a fighter…thank God! First because God will use this child to help you see your own weaknesses. Secondly, because God can use this child to move mountains. Help this child to see that God has given them a gift of strength and desires to use it for His greatest honor and glory. God only gives this spirit to those who are going to be valiant warriors. Help your child to see and understand this gift and that God will use his parents to prepare him for the Lord’s battles. If you would like, I can give you an address to discuss this with another parent who has a similar child. I hope this has been helpful. If you haven't heard the seminar on the Strong-Willed Parent I highly recommend it. The Angry Parent and the 4 styles of Parenting seminars would also be very helpful resources.
Because of Him,
Mark
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