The Picnic
Mark,
Tonight we had
a impromptu evening picnic invitation at our city pool from dear
family friends. I told the kids I really wanted to go and they
all agreed it would be great to see these our closest friends.
Around 1 hour before departing I mentioned to them I would
be leaving and I trusted they would clean up any messes from
today so we could return to a tidy home. I had already done most
of the housework and it really was a little bit but since we
would probably close the pool down and return tired and close to
bedtime, I felt it was a good idea.
All it was really
was a half a sink of dishes for the and some cookie making mess
from 11yo and picking clothes up in the bathroom and vacuuming
for 13 yo . Our 7 yo was eager to go and willingly cleaned up
her room from having two girlfriends play today. I was tending
to the 2.5 yo (potty training) and packing the picnic so this
was their way of helping. About 75 % of the time we work pretty
well as a team in this regard.
They got upset
that I was requiring them to do something before we left, and
attitudes were evident. I tried not to let it get to me and was
successful at remaining quiet while they huffed and puffed but
tried to do what was asked. However they were so upset that
eventually one of them said something about having to clean up
someone else's messes and before we knew it they were scuffling.
More words were exchanged including "stupid" and "idiot."
Finally I said I
would not take anyone with such rude manners unless they worked
it out. They didn't attempt and continued with the verbal
assaults until the 11th hour when the 11yo desperate to see his
friends made a half hearted attempt to say "I'm sorry, now can I
go?" This comment was quickly and negatively rebuked by the 13
yo. "You don't mean it."
By then we were
1/2 hour over due for the picnic and Dad came home and was too
tired to deal with it He said I should just go and visit with
the friends. So, I took the 7 yo and had a nice time. When I
returned Jonathan the 13 yo was livid. According to my dear
husband Jonathan grew increasingly angry the more he thought
about how he didn't get to go. Jonathan proceeded to tell me it
was all my fault and there was no convincing him differently.
Again like
yesterday when he didn't get his way, he was
verbally abusive to everyone and anyone in his path. He accused
me of ruining his life.
Was I wrong to
enforce such a consequence of not going? I suppose I could of
said something about being siblings needing to treat each other
better and let it go and then let the Holy Spirit convict him.
Admittedly that would of been hard. What do you think? What
about now that he is so angry at me. How should I respond? You
mentioned how you had to not let what your son was saying to you
get to you. How did you do that?
Thanks
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Sister:
It sounds like you were being fair. Just make sure
that everyone knows what is expected and that these are the
boundaries in order to go to the pool. Sound like the 11 yr.
old should have been able to go. You must remember that most 13
yr.olds are not very rational. You have to understand that
there is a lot of change going on in their brain and emotional
state. They can’t process everything rationally and they are
going back and forth between childhood and manhood. It is a
real struggle for most. It is so important that you are not his
antagonist. He needs to be around other mentors as much as
possible—not his peers. You will need to pray them in. In the
future, just make sure you clearly define what needs to be done
and get his affirmation that he is willing to do this if he
wants to go. You need to be big enough not to let his words
offend you. If you can’t handle this, then you are just
modeling the exact opposite of what you are trying to teach
him—self control. You need or Dad needs to be teaching him that
self control is for the purpose of controlling one’s self so
that no one else has to do it for him! Then he’s on his own!
Ishmael will be a great model for him. You just need to not
respond emotionally when he is going through these episodes.
Talk to him when his heart is calm. Let him know that you are
trying to give as much as possible without violating your God
given responsibilities. Your home sound pretty normal. Grace
with clearly defined expectations sounds like a good plan.
Mark
