Dear Mark,
I've had a particularly enlightening week of parenting and felt led to share it with you. My son has taught me so much in just a few short days. Is it possible I don't pay attention most of the time and miss much more?? He has taught me how much my words alone affect him dramatically.
The short story is he was working on math and I said, "The work should be done by the time I get back." Apparently my tone and body language screamed to him of negative consequences if it was not done. I came back into the room to find a totally stressed out and sobbing boy. In MY wisdom I immediately thought, "He's been goofing off and he's trying to play me to get me to help him." A
fter reviewing with him the reality of higher math, it gets harder, things aren't always going to be easy for you, etc., he looks at me and says, "But Mom, the only thing that was going through my head was that I was not able to finish it like you said and was afraid of getting in trouble." Then it dawned on me, my son is a pleaser and all he wants to do is please me. How could I be so blind? I totally stressed him out! We talked, I asked for forgiveness and we hugged.
One question - Have I done something during his 11 years to make him feel like my love is conditional upon him pleasing me? If so, what can I do to fix it? When I think about our daily life, he always asks me about everything? Can I have this to eat, what should I wear today, on and on? Help!!
The second lesson came this morning. I sometimes slip in to bed beside the boys in the morning to give them hugs. I told him to let me know when he gets too big for me to do this. He said okay, then said, "Mom, you don't do it enough" again, my heart sank. Am I pulling away the physical touch because he is getting "older"? I'm so thankful that he and I can talk like this and I pray it continues. He is a precious soul and we are blessed to be his parents.
Fondly, Rose
Dear Mom:
First of all, let me say, Rose, that you are doing an awesome job as a Mom and a teacher. Your sensitivity and willingness to listen and learn is a plus too!
My most immediate thought would be to build your son up. Confidence will do wonders for him--especially in light of his age and his speech difficulties. I believe that is the number one issue with him. I am not suggesting that you haven't been doing this, but it appears that he is still lacking a great deal of self-confidence. Focus on his positive qualities. (Remember, he has a very sharp younger brother that he's probably always comparing himself to.)
You are so right concerning physical touch. Our David is now 20, and he still looks forward to a back rub from Mom, and she still enjoys hugs from him. It's important! (But she is also sensitive to his mood and tries to discern when the moment is right!)
Trust your children unless you have reason not to. Don't be looking/ for opportunities to correct.
Relax!!!
When you lower the level of fear you raise the level of reasoning. An environment of grace will do more to motivate children than fear. When children are fully loved, fully known (they know you know their weaknesses), without any fear of rejection, they will do anything to please! They do this because they know how highly valued they are; and when children are highly valued, they are motivated to live worthy lives.
Body language and facial expressions are also HUGE!!! If your words don't coincide with what you *really* mean, they will always be second guessing if you mean what you say and say what you mean.
As your son gets older, he'll need to start making decisions for himself so that he will gradually become more independent. This should become more the norm as he makes his way through the teen years. Oftentimes those decisions, whether good or bad, become the impetus for conversation, perhaps debate, and sometimes...agreeing to disagree!!!
Hope these thoughts help. Thanks for keeping in touch. Oh, by the way, I would recommend having J read or listen to the stories in the Boys of Grit books. They are many of these boys who overcame incredible obstacles.
When they became great men, they saw how the obstacles were the foundation for their greatness. When he reaches 12 years old he must read Ishmael.
Ishmael lived during the 1800's and serves as a role model and inspiration for all boys. Blessings to you all...we too think of you often...I can't wait to see how God is going to use your children for His glory!
Mark
