Thirteen Year Old Son
Dear Mark,
I recently learned about you and your ministry. I have also listened to a few of your tapes. Our family needs your help with our 13 year old son.
I am not sure where to start, so I'll tell you whats going on now and if you need more information I'll give it to you. He has always been a very hard child to deal with.
Good! These are the one's that God using to move mountains! God gives these children to selected parents to be prepared to do His work for His Kingdom. Have you heard my story about six year old Elijah?
I don't know if the problems we are having now are associated with hormones or what. He has become very aggressive.
Sure sounds like hormones mixed with his sinful nature.
Whenever he is playing a game with his siblings or friends, he wants to win at all cost, even if it takes hurting someone. He is also very criticial of others, making fun of his siblings, never wants to own up to anything.
I will need more information, but it sounds like he doesn't have consistent boundaries and consequences. My guess is, is that you have to be aggressive with him in order to get him to behave the way you want. If so, your he is only acting out what he has learned from his parents. You need to read Fenelon's book on rearing children. You also need to find an older couple in your church has wisdom and has raised their family or toward the end, and learn from them. Be accountable to them. Next you need to begin asking for prayer. Get the body of Christ to start holding you up in prayer before the throne of grace. We were not intended to go through life without help and resources. That is why God gave to the church some apostles, some teachers, some etc. etc. etc. God put it all together and not we need to use the body as he intended. You will begin to see immediate results. this of course will take humility on your part, but God resists the proud but GIVES grace to the humble.
In one of your tapes you talked about always calling your son's name and saying, stop, what are you doing? That sounds like our house. He is always in trouble for doing something.
Sounds like you are not consistent and he needs firm but loving consistencies. This sounds more about his parents than him. Sorry, I'm not trying to put you down--I've been there, and too long ago--two days ago actually. Most of life's conflicts are really about us. Our children are God's mirror of ourselves. I highly recommend that you read Families Where Grace is in Place. The only bad thing about this book is that I did not write it!
He is a very loving child.
Time out! What did you say? Celebrate his strengths--often. Make a big deal about what he does well. Don't get in shouting matches. It sounds like he has a low self esteem and low self worth. Focus on helping him become skillful in at least one area of his life. Read the book, How to find a Job you Love. Connect him with a godly man who can teach him a trade. Find what he enjoys doing and then cultivate this area of his life. Enable him to be successful. Don't get sidetracked when he doesn't seem appreciative. He is responding from an empty heart--begin to fill it with mercy and love. Deal with his negative behavior during a time when neither of you are upset, unless he is hurting someone. Discuss his behavior calmly. Don't forget to have the same talks about his strengths. It takes time to empty reservoir. So don't think that this is going to happen overnight.
However, we don't get to see that part of him very often. I'm not even sure that he is always aware of what he is doing. His aggressiveness has really become a problem. He has lost friends because of it.
Good! Read Lamentation chapters one through three. It is good for the yoke to be carried by a young person. Without the yoke of difficulty, he is not going to learn how to make right decisions about he is going to become. You need to become his advocate not his adversary. Life itself will provide plenty of adversarial experiences. This is all a part of growing up. Some learn harder than others. But the one's that learn the hard way, seldom forget. Your main resource will be prayer and your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Start there, and you will be surprised how quickly God responds. Oh, one warning. God never responds the way you think He will. And sometimes it can get worse before it gets better. But I have learned that the worse times are just God's platform to get my attention that I need to be changed before he can change my children. His grace is available at all times, and is free.
Please help.
Now you need to ask Him. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. Please keep me informed of your progress.
Mark (Psalm 34)
