Thirteen Year Old Son 2
Dear Mark,
Thank you for your quick response to my e-mail. However, I do have a few
questions.
First, you asked if I had heard the story about six year old Elijah, I have
not, so please share that with me. Your are so very right. Both my husband and myself have been parenting out of anger and frustration, and without consistent boundaries. Our son is
the oldest of four children and he requires so much attention, that it wears us out. I will get the books you mentioned and we both will read them. However,could you help us in setting some consistent boundaries. He is a very angry child. We have become aggressive with him. After listening to your tapes, I can clearly see that my husband and myself have NOT been good role models for him. One area of need is when he is not playing a game fairly (hurting or yelling at another player). We have tried to immediately take him out when he acts like this, to no avail. Another need is when he is SO critical of his siblings (calling them names, hitting, tripping, yelling, or just plain making fun of them for one reason or another). How should we handle this? If we put him in his room, he just comes back out blaming someone else. This could go one for hours. He does not listen, it becomes a shouting match to get him to stay in his room to pray and think about what he did. It is very hard to be his advocate when he acts like this. These things happen ALL DAY LONG with no break. If you could just give us some advise on how to set these boundaries and which boundaries to use. Also, how do you extend grace? Do I just let some behaviors go without calling it to his attention? Thank you again for your help. I look forward to hearing from you.
God Bless,
Dear B____________:
First, it has taken years for your to get in this position. There are no easy fixes. However I will attempt to tell you what I would say if we were to start counseling sessions. Grace is quite simple: God gave His life for us when we didn't deserve His forgiveness. His forgiveness was extended without any merit on our part. Proverbs says, that he that covers a transgression seeks love. Your son needs both boundaries (firm but loving) and unconditional love. The boundaries that you seek must first be lived out by you and your husband. You cannot extend boundaries to a child that you yourselves do not keep. When you receive the Fenelon book on the Education of a Child, read the chapter on Gentle Means. This is really all you need to read in this book. Your behavior and restraint will be a more powerful influence than your discipline. Once he sees a change in his parents behavior, then you can begin initiating boundaries with gentleness but consistent firmness. Once you begin incorporating boundaries, you need to set as few as possible. Next let him know what they are ahead a time and know the consequences to each. I would start with one boundary and one consequence that he knows about. Explain this when there is not a conflict. Have a meeting. If you need to bring a third party in to help you, I would advise it. Actually I would strongly urge you to find a godly older family that can come along side and help you. This is what the church is for. We need the body of Christ and it needs us to function properly. Oh, grace looks like "outstretched arms." Outstretched arms are attractive and inviting! _____, if you would like consistent help that will get you and your husband and child going in the right direction, I would recommend further counseling.
