What Does Grace Look Like?
My question is about grace. You say to give up control and be more grace-ful. But how do you do that and not lose your authority? What does grace look like in the nitty gritty, everyday circumstances of life? I am a mother of 3 girls ages 9, 3 and 1. Since my husband and I came to Christ later (my oldest was 4) and we didn't start spanking until she was 6, I feel we have lost some ground with her as far as discipline goes. I am a very controlling and dominating person. I don't like that about myself, but it's all I know. I don't know how to be anything else. I tell my husband about grace and that maybe we should show it to our daughter. He doesn't know how. I guess neither do I. I feel that God is punishing me for my uncontrolled temper and other character flaws I have. It's hard for me to know He loves me. I know that's where I need to start in order to love my children more, but I just don't know how or what....
I feel I've made a mess of my family. My only way to get anything done is to control and spank and yell. I know that's not right, but I don't know anything else. I don't know what grace looks like, especially in the heat of the moment, like a yelling match with my daughter. I hope you can answer my questions. Thank you.
An Almost Exasperated Mom
Dear Grace Searcher:
What does grace look like? From God’s perspective is looks like the outstretched arms of His Son dying on a cross. The grace of God was so costly that it is free. We didn’t deserve it, but because of His love toward us, He gives it freely without reservation. It is the goodness of God that leads to repentance. You say that you have lost ground because you started spanking so late. I would dare say that you are losing more ground because of your spanking. You see, if you are spanking with a spirit of control and domination, then your children are going to resist you. This resistance then makes you feel like they are resisting your authority, but they are really resisting a provoking parent. This is why the Apostle Paul warns parents twice not to provoke. The first time in Ephesians he uses a Greek word for provoke, meaning to irritate by an “in your face authority.” The second time in Colossians he uses a much harsher word for provoke, meaning to prepare for battle, to stir up the troops for combat or stir up a bull for the arena. In Ephesians Paul says that we are to bring them up but in Colossians Paul states that this child becomes discouraged. The word is literally “spiritless.” The danger in provoking our children is that their natural defense to a provoking parent is often seen as rebellious and therefore the parent become more dominant in which the children eventually gives up all together and becomes depressed – “spiritless.”
A parent who has a meek and humble spirit, a spirit that is held in check by the Holy Spirit, is a parent that can discipline and punish their children without any fear of damaging consequences. In fact children who have this kind of parent will receive punishment much more willingly. So back to the original question. What does grace look like? Amber, what led you to Jesus? His punishment? Or His outstretched arms? Whatever led you to Jesus will be the same method that will lead your children back to you! Then you will be able to correct and punish as needed. I hope this is helpful. If you haven’t read “Families Where Grace is in Place” or “The Education of a Child” or heard the audio of “The Strong-Willed Parent, I would highly recommend it. These resources will change your perspective and life forever! Blessings,
Mark
Recommended Resources:
(click on a title to see description)
For preschool children I recommend the books The Hedge of Thorns Illustrated, The True Princess, and Sanji's Seed. The audio Bible Drama titled Bible Stories for Little Ears is also excellent.
For your 9 year old daughter I highly recommend Winter's Folly. An amazing story for both you and her to read together!
For you, I recommend Families Where Grace is in Place. This book will help you understand why we resort to controlling behavior and not grace. It was a key book for me.
Dear Parent:
I've included a picture that I would like you and your husband to view and ponder. I tried to pay $60. for this crock at an auction. When the auctioning began the bidding started at ten thousand dollars! It then went quickly to $26 thousand dollars! You should have seen me sitting in my chair, PARALYZED! I had undervalued the worth of this crock. And as a result I gave a very low bid. I devalued something of great worth! When our children are valued—children of great worth, they begin to reflect the value placed upon them. Some thoughts to ponder.
Mark
